Biting off more than I can chew, is something that Bruce is well know for. When it comes to the tooth fairy, I think most of us have had to think quick on our feet. Bruce has a new one that can be used when all seems lost!
“Where’s the glass?” I asked Tracey. I was standing at the kitchen sink, staring at an empty windowsill.
“What glass?” she asked me.
“The one I had right there,” I told her, pointing. “It had water in it.”
“Oh, I washed it.”
“Bugger!” I cussed. I ran my finger around the plug hole and dove into the odd clumps of froth still in the sink.
“What have you lost?”
“Nothing,” I told her. “I haven’t lost anything. You have.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That glass had Molly’s tooth in it for the Tooth Fairy to find tonight.”
“Bugger!” cussed Tracey, elbowing me out of the way and diving into the sink herself. “Why did you leave it there?”
“So I wouldn’t accidentally dump it down the sink and wash it up.”
She cast me a dim look.
“Well, I didn’t. I can’t be held responsible for your actions,” I explained reasonably.
We are notoriously poor Tooth Fairies. In our house she rarely comes the first night a tooth is left out. The longest it’s taken for the Tooth Fairy to come and exchange some enamel for cash is three nights.
But usually it’s two.
So while we’re not very good Tooth Fairies, we are exceptionally good at making excuses for her lax little fairy butt. Here are some of the more lavish excuses we’ve found helpful. You’ll notice we’ve interwoven some important life lessons because, as is becoming clear, we are all over this parent caper:
But usually we go for something much simpler.
Like last month, when Miss5 lost her first tooth.
“Waaaaaaah!” came the cry from the girl’s bedroom.
“What now?” I mumbled, dragging my sorry self through the house. ‘This better be good.’ It was half an hour before the alarm usually went off. I was ready to do my nut if someone hadn’t lost a limb. “What’s going on?’ I hissed through the doorway.
“The To-To-Tooooth Fairy didn’t co-co-come,” Miss5 cried. “Why didn’t she co-come?”
I was instantly awake. Guilt can do that.
Miss5 hadn’t even finished her sentence before I was coming up with my spin. It went something like this (my thoughts are in the brackets):
“The To-To-Toooooth (Bugger! Not again! How am I going to get out of this?) Fairy didn’t (Come on, you daft bastard, think!) co-co-come. Why didn’t (Got it! I’ll do what Tracey would do and I’ll blame me!) she co-come?”
“It was my fault,” I told my little daughter as I gave her a cuddle and Tracey joined us.
Over Miss5’s shoulder I saw my good wife’s face become very animated. I saw her go through the same thought processes I did – Bugger! Not again! How are we going to get out of this? Think! I know! I’ll blame Bruce!
But I was all over it.
“I was sleeping on the lounge. The Tooth Fairy would have been scared off when she saw me,” I told Miss5. Tracey nodded and threw me a look which said, ‘good one’.
“Re-really?” Miss5 sobbed, a little less forcefully.
“Absolutely,” Tracey assured her. “Your father snores and sleeps with his mouth open. She’d be worried about being sucked in. I know I usually am.”
Which is why I was so determined to have a more successful changeover this time – I didn’t want to be woken up early again.
“What do we do now?” asked Tracey, still looking at the plug hole like the little tooth might suddenly appear.
“I got this,’ I told her. I grabbed an apple and started chewing. Soon I had whittled a bit down to about the right size. I plonked it into a glass of water and tossed it back on the sill. Problem solved.
“It’s floating,” Tracey admonished.
“It’s white and small and in a glass of water,” I told her. “Trust me, it’s a tooth.”
Fortunately it passed the bedtime inspection and, even better, we remembered to exchange the floater for some coinage.
Except Master7 has announced he has another loose tooth, so here we go again. I just hope we’ve got apples left in the crisper. Just in case.
Bruce started his blog because friends and family kept wanting to know how he managed to feed and clothe such a large family while still having fun and being able to afford holidays and beer. He had no idea, but thought if he started writing things down some sort of pattern might emerge. When not at work Bruce enjoys reading, writing, hiding from his children and not changing nappies. He’s recently taken up the cycling challenge with a view to surviving long enough to see all his kids out the door so he can finally sleep in.