Part 3 of our Diary of a Single Mum. Thank you so much to Miss Butterfly for sharing her very personal journey with us.
So after my single parent payment was approved I decided that I didn’t want to live with my mother and stepfather. I needed to be independent and be a good mum to my babies. So they decided to allow me to move into their rental property. So we moved yet again the next month.
It was great the kids settled into their own bedrooms, I had my own room, we established our own routine when the kids decided to be kids. Being a mum is hard work, but being single I will say is even harder. Now I no longer can have that 5 minutes to myself when dad comes home from work and the kids want to hang off him, I no longer can go to the toilet without having them follow me. My life as a woman went on hold, so I could do the best dam job as a mother to my children.
I have had my good days and my bad… and when I have had my bad days they are really really bad. For months after all this happened and the kids would be asleep I would sit on the lounge and stuff my face with food or cry myself to sleep each night. Nothing can prepare you for the emptiness that there is when as a single mum you no longer have another adult around to talk to, you get lonely. And at times when I am going through the really down times the loneliness really gets to me.
But being woken up of a morning by two beautiful kids jumping on the bed saying mummy get up the sun is up is the best feeling in the world and made it all worthwhile.
Months were going by, the kids and I were established into our own little routines when I got the phone call. Mr X wanted to see his children. So I set the ground rules out, I didn’t like where he was living so if he wanted to see the kids he would either have to go to the park to meet us there or come to my house so that they are in their own environment. And he had to be sober. If he showed up here drunk he wouldn’t be let in, simple as that, or so I thought.
I finally had an hour to do my own things while he spent time with the kids. And the kids loved every second with their dad. But I will say he tried and tried really hard to come back into all our lives permanently. I had ‘grown some balls’ as my sister would say and told him NO. No way was he ever going to come into this house and ruin what I had worked so hard at achieving a safe environment for my kids to grow up in.
Mr X really tried to be the man I dreamed of my whole childhood life. Tried to I did say cause he would come up every morning see the kids before he went to work and when he came home from work not all the time but most of the time he would come and see them again. It got me thinking that he was telling me the truth that he had changed and that maybe we should try and be a family again. But there was always the images of what he had done to me in the past that kept me from saying yes to him, to allow him to come back home to be a family again.