Did you ever want something so badly that your whole body ached for it?
That’s how I felt about having kids and had always just assumed that when I felt the time was right that it would happen. Well, you know what they say about people who assume things ….. Of course I knew that not everyone could have kids and even knew people who couldn’t or who had struggled but I never expected that I would be one of them.
I can’t remember exactly when it happened but over a period of time I started to feel like the time was right. My husband and I talked it over and agreed that it was time and I went off of the pill and bought a book about natural fertility and devoured it being sure that it would help. At first we just let things happen but month after month they didn’t, and I tell you that every month when that first bit of bleeding started it felt like a knife to the heart. So then we amped things up a bit and I started taking my temperature, counting days and becoming a little obsessed and still ….. nothing. (and that once a month knife was getting deeper)
After nearly 2 years of trying I had to know if there was a reason and if there was something we could do. I remember thinking that maybe there was a simple reason that some medication or a small procedure could fix. We went to our GP who ordered some basic tests and long story short there was nothing wrong but he referred us to a fertility clinic. I cried and cried, I couldn’t believe that this was happening to me – it was like my worst fears were being realised.
So we then started what was probably the hardest few years of my life. Talking to doctors about your sex life, being poked and prodded for tests and marking the days on your calender when you can and can’t have sex ….. Not things that I ever wanted to do but the end goal of being a mummy was always what I had to keep in mind. After about 6 months of this they finally found that some of my hormones were out of wack and maybe that was why we were not falling pregnant. They put me on some medication and said to go away for a few months and see if things happened naturally. With renewed hope we went away but still …… nothing.
Back to the doctor who suggested that our best chance was IVF. This was something that I had never wanted to do and to be completely honest had in some ways been totally against ….. man how your perspective changes once you are confronted with a situation. This is now why I try so hard now to not judge anyone as you can NEVER understand someone else’s situation. After a couple of soul searching months we decided that we had to do it, I mean how much longer do we wait ….. 3 months, 6 months, 12 months a couple of years???? And so the IVF journey began ……..
On our first try we fell pregnant!!!! I couldn’t believe it! We told our family and a few close friends and celebrated. We bought a few nursey items and started planning, our dream was coming true. The day of our 8 week scan at the clinic I was so excited to hear my babies heartbeat …. but I didn’t . ….. my world fell apart. I can’t even tell you how I felt, I was numb. Eventually after and a D & C and a month to give my body a break we had to keep trying, it was the only way we knew to deal with it. We had a few frozen embryos so decided to try those rather than go through an egg collection again so soon.
Again we were successful and fell pregnant! This time we kept it really low key and I lived every day in fear that we would miscarry again. The day of the 8 week scan I felt sick to the stomach and couldn’t concentrate on anything. And now that I really think about it I can’t really remember much about that scan apart from the fact that again, no heart beat. It was a few days before Christmas and usually I LOVE Christmas.
With only one more frozen embryo we were advised to do another egg collection and a month later we were in the middle of another IVF cycle. By now I was an expert at injecting myself but I was trying really hard to stay a bit emotionally detached. Again we fell pregnant but again we kept things very low key. The day of the 8 week scan came and this time …… there was a heart beat!!!!! We were over the moon but I still wanted to keep a lid on it until the end of the first trimester. Every appointment I had throughout my pregnancy I would hold my breath while the doctor checked for the heart beat but every time there it was ….. beating away like the sweetest music I had ever heard.
And now, even though sometimes I still can’t believe it I know have an almost 13 month old beautiful baby boy who is my whole world. Being a mum is amazing. It’s the hardest, scariest, most rewarding …. BEST thing that has ever happened to me and if it’s what you want then I say fight for it, fight with everything you have within you.
Thank you to Amanda T (mum of one bouncing baby boy!) for sharing her very private story with us.