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Answered 4 years ago
I love my husband I do but fact is I have always put in effort to be a good wife and he never has put effort in at being a husband at all.
He is currently sick tells his family who then says of it is cause your wife keeps a unclean home, you need to do the following certain things. I am far from a idiot but I feel my husband and even his family think I am one, after the comment I came back and said well when ever I am sick you don’t give to hoots you don’t bother to clean up help me or anything I still am expected to get you drink, make you food and take the dog to the toliet. All he responds with is yeah I know I am a crap husband and dad, I don’t know what to do anymore. PRIot to getting married 7 years ago I had a opinionated family always telling me what to do how to think ect I took measures to safe guard my marriage by cutting contact and not accepting advice and yet he thinks his parents giving advice is ok cause they love and worried about him. But I am over everyone giving there opinion. Am I in the wrong or overreacting
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ANSWER
4 years ago
Leave him its toxic and not worth it in the long run. Family that doesn't respect you will always cause problems.
ANSWER
4 years ago
Gaslighting?
ANSWER
4 years ago
On a practical level, if there are questions over your household cleanliness, you could do some research and see what "best practice" is.
There are some experts in the field, focussed on how keep your house clean really cheaply.
There are books, for example "Spotless", by Shannon Lush and Jennifer Fleming, (they did a whole series of books on cleaning and tidying) - really good, and really cheap on line. I even saw them in Aldi once, about $5 each.
Then you can walk through the in laws house and point out how far they fall short !
If hubby does nothing, then you need to make sure, if you have kids, that they pull their weight, to help take the pressure off you. It is good preparation for life for them to learn those basics about managing their own lives when they grow up. Like making their beds, tidying away their toys, etc.
You should not have to put up with this criticism, and your husbands laziness. It sounds like his "sickness" may well be an excuse, to try to stop you forcing him to pull his weight.
Another thing to consider, is perhaps he is depressed. Especially if he says "he doesn't know what to do any more". Depression causes loss of motivation, loss of focus, and loss of energy.
If this continues for too long, you should consider leaving. It is no life for you.
And a very bad example for the kids.
I wouldn't put up with it.
In that case, if you do decide to leave, you do need to make sure the kids pull their weight.
There are some experts in the field, focussed on how keep your house clean really cheaply.
There are books, for example "Spotless", by Shannon Lush and Jennifer Fleming, (they did a whole series of books on cleaning and tidying) - really good, and really cheap on line. I even saw them in Aldi once, about $5 each.
Then you can walk through the in laws house and point out how far they fall short !
If hubby does nothing, then you need to make sure, if you have kids, that they pull their weight, to help take the pressure off you. It is good preparation for life for them to learn those basics about managing their own lives when they grow up. Like making their beds, tidying away their toys, etc.
You should not have to put up with this criticism, and your husbands laziness. It sounds like his "sickness" may well be an excuse, to try to stop you forcing him to pull his weight.
Another thing to consider, is perhaps he is depressed. Especially if he says "he doesn't know what to do any more". Depression causes loss of motivation, loss of focus, and loss of energy.
If this continues for too long, you should consider leaving. It is no life for you.
And a very bad example for the kids.
I wouldn't put up with it.
In that case, if you do decide to leave, you do need to make sure the kids pull their weight.
Replies
REPLY
4 years ago
Thanks the laziness has always been a thing and if I have to force him to do something he doesn’t it gets worse. He deliberately does things just make me work
ANSWER
4 years ago
He is manipulating you, the reason he says "Yeah I know I'm a crap Husband and Dad" is because he is trying to make you feel guilty as a way to blame you for his shortcomings.
Don't fall for it.
Don't believe him.
He is gaslighting you and you won't ever be happy while he continues, you'll just be the the kind of content that he wants you to be.
Everything you said, he is abusing you. Run. Leave, no matter how hard it is.
Don't fall for it.
Don't believe him.
He is gaslighting you and you won't ever be happy while he continues, you'll just be the the kind of content that he wants you to be.
Everything you said, he is abusing you. Run. Leave, no matter how hard it is.
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REPLY
4 years ago
Fact is I have never been good enough for anyone my parents and family were like this when we first started dating he was never this way. I honestly have said it is obviously me who is the problem and I will leave he then gets upset and it’s me saying I am going to leave. I feel guilty about everything not just with him but with everyone. I have seen a psychologist for a couple years not even that helps
REPLY
4 years ago
Fact is you are insecure . That's it. The rest is your thoughts out of control. Please look into cognitive therapy and change therapists
ANSWER
4 years ago
No you're not wrong. His family making such a comment is completely unacceptable and crossing do many lines of disrespect. If he didn't stand up for you you have given way too much leeway and now he's used to it. I don't really have advice for what to do next, I think this situation absolutely sucks for you.. I hope it resolves itself or you guys sort this out.
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REPLY
4 years ago
It has been a ongoing thing when I tried to discuss it he said he is very sick and to stop making it about me
REPLY
4 years ago
Then tell him to sort his crap out and visit a doctor, get tests! Why an earth are you the one getting the crap for it?
ANSWER
4 years ago
My husband doesn’t make an effort on any level. I am fine with all the housework and cooking being my domain. I work full time and so does he. But he overcommits himself at his sporting club with the kids and in senior sports and he does it with no regard to how it impact our family and definitely not our relationship. And when I say overcommits it’s 5 nights a week for several house and then all Saturday or all Sunday. That is on top of the other sport the kids do. We get ZERO time for anything else.
He just announced in the car he will be “helping” another coach now when he promised me earlier that it would be one training night and one game session only ...
He’s a selfish narcissist who thinks the world can’t run without him and he needs to be there to make sure they do everything the way he wants. I am over it.
He just announced in the car he will be “helping” another coach now when he promised me earlier that it would be one training night and one game session only ...
He’s a selfish narcissist who thinks the world can’t run without him and he needs to be there to make sure they do everything the way he wants. I am over it.
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REPLY
4 years ago
Your husband I'm my opinion is just unhappy and likely depressed. He can't sit still and appreciate his life as his mind is too stressed and he probably gets eaten alive by his insecurity and stress..like "if only I do this this or this I'll feel better". He won't and you won't. I'm not surprised you are over it, how an earth do you put up with this??
ANSWER
4 years ago
If your family put you down it has probably caused you to always think you are the one at fault. My mother was like that to me, so I know what its like. Even if you cut off all contact, those negative messages from them become the "self talk" that goes on in your brain to yourself all the time. And just reinforces your opinion that you are not good enough.
Unfortunately lazy loser husbands and nasty in laws seem to sniff it out, and instead of being supportive, they pile on with the criticism.
So probably what you need on a personal level is self worth training, and positive "affirmations"; things that you say to yourself over and over in your head to offset the negative messages you got from your family, and that get reinforced from others.
Some of this stuff you can search for, and find, on line. There may even be some on this site.
Unfortunately lazy loser husbands and nasty in laws seem to sniff it out, and instead of being supportive, they pile on with the criticism.
So probably what you need on a personal level is self worth training, and positive "affirmations"; things that you say to yourself over and over in your head to offset the negative messages you got from your family, and that get reinforced from others.
Some of this stuff you can search for, and find, on line. There may even be some on this site.