Use your support networks to get out of this dysfunctional relationship. My father only recently passed away, we were sad but honestly we are all relieved. He used to threaten to kill us to keep us in line even as adults and he meant it. My mother has really blossomed in his death. She is now my best friend and I am really discovering her personality. I used to think we were so different but that was because she was controlled and lived in fear. We are more alike than I ever knew and I love this person so much and I love that we understand each other. It is great finally understanding who I took after.

Yes I had a dad like that growing up. And honestly, it would have been better if he just stayed away completely. Every time he would breeze into my life he would make promises he never kept and hurt me. And my poor mother was left to pick up the pieces. He still breezes in and out and I’ve now learned to keen him at a distance and not expect anything from him but he still manages to hurt me frequently.

I truly believe kids need to know the other parent, learn what being let down is all about now while you are there to help teach them resilience.
My kids used to besides themselves when he didn’t show up at supervised contact or cancelled often. last time (he was late) my daughter tapped her foot , rolling her eyes and asked the receptionist If he was coming and turned around and asked me to call time out (jail) and see if he was there. The lady very nicely said that he would behalf an hour late. I heard her walk in and say super loud glad to see you could make it, i don’t want excuses let’s get on with the day. When I picked them up they had had a fun few hours playing.
I rather them be sassy then upset.
I have always taught them that when he’s there enjoy spending time with him because who knows when they will catch up with him again. I don’t bad mouth him I just tell them how it is.

My dad was non existent, I reached out to him when I was 16 but it didn’t go so well he has now passed away and never knew he was a grandfather . For me, him not being in my life was fine because it was normal not to have a dad .

Gosh my childhood was full of dv, then my adulthood full of dv. Single now and its better. Better for kids to have happy parents

My dad was a violent alcoholic. My mother left him when I was 5 but I had witnessed far too much by that point. Thankfully I only remember bits and pieces now. I have no clue what their custody arrangement was, I never asked but I am assuming she had full custody as I only saw him a handful of times after that. I don’t know if he wasn’t allowed or just didn’t care. I didn’t want to see him and never asked to, I knew even at that age we were better off without him. I last saw him when I was 8 or 9. I am 41 now. He died 8 years ago. I didn’t feel sad, or anything really. I made peace with our lack of relationship a long time ago. I don’t really have any advice, just letting you know my story. Maybe let your kids take the lead. If they want a relationship with him and they aren’t in any danger from him, try to foster one. Eventually they will figure out what kind of person he is.

Is he a bad human to you and the children or just you? If the kids love their dad and enjoy spending time with him (even if he is unreliable) then let it be. Eventually they will grow up and decide if they want to continue the relationship or not. Till then do not bad mouth him or complain that he hasn’t been around for a while, maybe tell them he works far away and will visit soon. Constant reassurance that they are loved by both parents. Fill in the void with a brother or cousin for that male role model children need. Good luck

My dad used to hit us so yeah.... bad dad

Might not be exactly what you are after or any help but I will share my story.
My Dad was okay when I was a kid, my parents divorced when I was 8 and he did his expected every second weekend and special holidays. When my brother and I became older teens/adults it changed and he didn't care about us, his wife's kids were older and they had kids and he only cared about the grandkids. He called them the children they always wanted. Contact was only when I made an effort and he didn't bother for birthday or Christmas. In the last 20 years I only saw him less then a dozen times.
I was an adult and it still had a massive impact, I started to hate my birthday as I would always be let down and so many other things.
The worst part for me is noone knew except for my husband so noone understood.
The only advise I can give is to let the kids know it is not their fault, help them when he doesn't bother on important dates and support them as much as you can. Best of luck!