View other questions

My husband never wants to do anything with our kids

Answered 10 days ago

Long story short, my husband never wants to do anything with our kids. Everything is too much of an effort, doesn’t even want to take them outside to play. Would rather sit inside on his phone. They never want him in return and he wonders why. I am not a prefect parent but at least i try my best to do everything i can for them. He is always yelling at them or making me feel on edge. He can be a great dad - but this is minority of the time. He does barely anything at home in terms of housework. I feel like i have 3 kids. Would love to leave but i am too scared. I have nothing financially and don’t want my children to suffer.


Have an answer?

We have held the answer in moderation, and will make it available shortly.
2000 characters left.

Answers

An unexpected error has occurred, please try again shortly.
ANSWER
10 days ago
Walking away and being a single mum is not the easy option. It is exhausting to say the least.
Only you can decide what is best for yourself and your children.

ANSWER
2 years ago
I'm a Dad so I'll give it my 2c...

It's possible your husband has some mental health stuff going down. Maybe get him to speak to his GP or get a trusted mate of his to have chat with him.

Did his parents do things with him or take him
It's possible that this is difficult for him because he missed out on this as a child himself.

Are his needs being met from an emotional point of view. Is he feeling loved, supported and valued as a person a husband and a father or is he just being told what he isn't doing well?

how is his social life and work life going? does he have an outlet that meets his needs or is I just works home.

It's an easy option just to pack the bags and walk out but it's not going to help anyone in the long run least of all the children?

Im just really curious as to what is happening for him and if you can work out whats not right youll be half way there. It's unlikely to be a you or the children thing but thats just an opinion

Replies

REPLY
2 years ago
I could have written this...but. I am a woman, and I still do all this stuff. I have stuff going down, I had parent who ... never mind. I still got up and took my three kids for a killer bike ride whilst my husband slept in.. I still did everything else and work. It’s probably better you didn’t add the you are a dad bit :)

REPLY
2 years ago
I think it's important to hear things from a different perspective. I read the whole post because you said you were a dad 👍

REPLY
10 days ago
I feel this was really good to read as I went through this with my husband and he ended up leaving me. We did get back together but the things he conveyed is exactly the things you have just said. It pays to have both sides of the story rather than just feeling angry all the time like I did.

ANSWER
14 days ago
Currently going through this exact situation. What choice is the right choice? I ask myself all the time. My husband is in the USAF and I'm a waitress. I bring in the same exact amount of money as he does and his lame excuse is "I pay the bills" which is true. But my money also gets spent just the same. Clothes for the family, marketing, gas for cars, toys for the kids, anything other than bills I pay for bc I make cash daily. So no cleaning of any sort on his part He also yells constantly at the kiddos and has zero patience. So I often feel guilty about that and just about everything else bc im TIRED yall. We have no family where we live my 5 year old just started school and I'm counting down the days for my 3 year old to go just so I can have some breathing room. I know, I should be enjoying the years bc they go so fast but it's so hard to enjoy anything when im constantly pouring from an empty cup. I do the doctors appointments, go to the market, do drop of at school, pick up from school, then work. When we have free time I take the kids to the park or whatever their little hearts desire but I do it all by myself, while constantly thinking would we be happier if we separated? Then I wouldn't have the chance to resent someone whom I love for being total garbage.

ANSWER
2 months ago
I am in the same situation. People notice that I do all the work with the kids, I find it embarrassing going out places on my own with the kids and have people I know say things like “oh, on your own again” or “where’s your husband?” , seeing them all as happy families is heart-wrenching, and our eldest has started asking why his dad doesn’t do things with us, or saying his friends does such and such with his dad, why don’t I? He has always been lazy and it’s struggle to get him to come out with out, and when he does and just complains and says we should go home soon!! He’s always too tired or doesn’t well so cannot possibly come for a walk with us but if his mate phoned asking he wanted to go to pub he’d be there like a shot! I’ve been a coward and bot left, hoping things would improve and he would finally understand, but it’s never going to happen. It’s dragging is all down, and selfishly I don’t want to waste my life with him either. I cannot afford to leave, have no family locally and have no idea which way to turn for advice?! You are not alone.

ANSWER
7 months ago
Hi, my experience is kids unfortunately take a lot of your time BUT so they should, you are the adults in this family.I am guessing he wanted to have kids, he needs to grow up and be a dad and a husband, and you should be checking that phone on your bills. I have been with my husband for 53 years. I started to write my story but it is really upsetting and may be for you too so instead I am going to tell you to take a stand with your husband, find things you need to do and tell him to put the phone down as he has to watch the kids while you do something else. Be strong , I wasn’t, and don't yell. Ask him what is so important on his phone that cannot wait. If in the end he leaves you will know why now, not in 53 years , after a lifetime of neglect and self interest on his part. My husband is very sorry now , has an illegitimate child who he openly adores ,we just found out and it is very heartbreaking to watch him. A lot of regrets but all too late. You also need to understand your rights and position if you leave him, it may be a good outcome for you. I hope your story doesn’t end up like mine, I hope he loves you all enuf to do the right thing. Maybe you need to confront some things in your marriage so you both understand each other better, give it a try. Always ask for help if you need it, please don't suffer on your own. I only wish the best for you, and a long and happy relationship too x

ANSWER
7 months ago
Leave him then. What is stopping you?

ANSWER
9 months ago
Could he be depressed? It sounds like he is struggling to me. Maybe suggest he see a GP?

ANSWER
9 months ago
Leave him. He is getting an easy life - has the status of a wife and kids but without having to do any leg work. Dump the bastead

ANSWER
11 months ago
While not this extreme it seems like this was the start for me. My husband took on a big work project just weeks after my daughter was born and was never around the first year.people in our family even commented that I did everything and it was like solo parenting. Given he did work his ass off for us to have the best life and when she was born he took three weeks off to help me. I have noticed as she gets older he becomes more active in a relationship with her I think the more she can respond and interact with him the more rewarding it is for him. I’ve also just flat out told him hey you need to help you need to do something so now he comes home from work and gets an hour or two or chill time while I cook clean and bathe our daughter but it is HIS job to put her to bed sometimes it’s quick sometimes it’s hours because she fights it and he knows that is his ONE job so he does it and doesn’t complain. Also if I give him a heads up that he needs to carve out family time one weekend to do something with us he usually does. So I guess I’ve found just being straight forward and telling him what needs to be done and what’s expected of him as helped. When I tip toed around it I saw no change.

ANSWER
11 months ago
My hubs and I have twins(7yo) , he works away fifo(over 10yrs) when he came home on rnr he would spend 4&1/2 days out of his 6 at home down at the golf course (end of our st) and he couldn't work out why our twins wouldn't want anything to do with him after 5yrs of doing this. I sat him down and told him how long he was actually home and how long he spent on golf...... he still blames me for making him give up golf, I never made him give it up I just gave him the facts. But he's the type of person that gives 100% to what he chooses to do. Today, he knows it was harming our family, and he now only plays once every few months.... for fun and exercise.
Sometimes you need to sit them down and explain in black and white, it worked for me I hope it could help you.

ANSWER
11 months ago
Could have wrote this myself a couple years ago but thankfully since I left my X husband.. he was a narcissist and when i left he took everything abd changed the locks, i was lucky i had my parent's support for somewhere to stay while i got back on my feet. He used our kids as pawn's to try and get back at me demanding he have contact so he could be the best father all a sudden, each time we organised swap over he used it to abuse me, play my kids against me and make a tough situation for the kids even harder. I've since got a IVO and each attempt I made for him to see the kids, he continued the toxic behaviour.
He now hasn't seen them for over a year and every so often i get a derogatory response via txt or email (nothing at all to do with the children)
Some people just like the safety net of a family to portray to the world they are great human being's...
I've now met a real man who's stepped up to the plate and has done more in the last 12 months then their own father did for them in 14 years.
Never ever lower your standards of simple expectations, especially when it comes to your children wellbeing and growth x best wishes

ANSWER
11 months ago
My X husband was the same, he didn't have time for the kids and got so mad that I was the "favourite" parent.
I did leave four years ago. It was tough going for the first 12 months, but the kids and I got through it. It really was a "short term pain for long term gain" thing.
Moving forward, the kids have never been happier. The best thing that I ever did

Replies

REPLY
11 months ago
I am going through the short term pain now! It's only been 12 months & financially it's been tough... but I know i can do this... no looking back....

ANSWER
11 months ago
I lived with this for 18 years (just add in some emotional,
mental& financial abuse) - now I have left& are 100% happier & so are the kids. Unfortunately they have minimal relationship to their father but this is not my fault or problem. It is up to him to work that out. If you are un happy, leave. There will never be an easy time to leave, however you will always find a way to survive. Besides if you are pretty much doing it alone but with his dead weight holding you back you may as well do it alone & lose the 80kgs & feel so much lighter & happier!

ANSWER
11 months ago
My ex husband was like this. Would sit on his phone, fb, snap chat. When our son started bottle feeding at 14 months, that was his thing to do with our son as before this he was breast fed. He couldn’t even put his phone down during this period of bottle feeds :/ it put a large strain on the marriage- and in the end he was doing a lot of immoral things on his phone & fb & we parted ways.

ANSWER
1 year ago
get on with life and your kids. and don't bother texting him pics to trick him into 'the fun he is missing out on'. A grown as man would know that. It's just enabling him to think he can get the best of both worlds, sitting on his ass at home while still feeling valued as king daddy because he is getting some texts. Just get out have fun and live life without him and let him sit on the couch. Sad for the kids but their life will be full with you. They will start asking where dad is. Don't bad mouth him just say 'i'm not sure, you'll have to ask him to come if you miss him''. Let them start having the digs and nagging at him and if he doesn't front up and be accountable after they are voicing that they missed him / wished he was there, well he is a wanker and at least they'll always remember that you were there and he will seem insignificant.

ANSWER
1 year ago
Maybe he didnt want kids.

Replies

REPLY
1 year ago
It may take two to tango but maybe parenting isnt for him or he figures he works childrearing is womans work. Hey, it happens.

ANSWER
2 years ago
Could you study and work towards leaving? Can you start stashing money in case you do have to leave?

ANSWER
2 years ago
I guess we just got to learn how to enjoy activites with our kids by our selves they will realise and regret missing out on the best things but it will be late because by then the kids will be older and won't want to spend as much time with the parents .

ANSWER
2 years ago
It's the same with my husband we have two children ,he sleeps all the time when he's off work I'm always the one taking the kids out cleaning cooking ect but when I decide to tell him that he needs to do more my kids deserve better his answer is always .well what are you doing so special for the kids bla bla .I am a mama I fight my hardest for my kids to be happy but he does not see it.

ANSWER
2 years ago
....but your kids are suffering...you may struggle financially if you leave (or you could ask him to leave) but is that worse than your kids being constantly yelled at with you feeling on edge? This is domestic abuse.
Is he tired from work/depressed? Could you suggest he sees a psychologist? His behaviour is telling you there’s something up - or has he always been like this?


Replies

REPLY
2 years ago
^I have to agree with this one

ANSWER
2 years ago
I could have written this exact post! No advice sorry, iv tried talking to him and nothing changes. What were your husband's parents like? My in laws are selfish lazy people too so he's seen that example his whole life so until he WANTS to change nothing you do will make a difference, he's copying the rubbish parenting he grew up with.
I too have no money or anything but iv come to realise that it's either accept that that's what he's like or leave.

Replies

REPLY
2 years ago
His parents are not at all lazy, very hard working. But seeing as he is the youngest they spoilt him a lot. Unfortunately he doesn’t know how to do anything for himself at home because of that. I have tried teaching but there is no interest so why bother.

ANSWER
2 years ago
Have you told him straight about this? I think you need to let him have it, give him a right ear bashing about it.
Half the time men don't change their behaviours because they don't realise its a problem to start with!!!
That's why men and women are different. We think differently.

Replies

REPLY
2 years ago
This is so true. My husband never wanted to do anything with me and the kids and I thought, why should they miss out. So I took them out and did stuff with them. After a few years my husband had a sook that he didn’t have a bond with the kids like I did. I went off at him. Pointed out all the times he didn’t want to come, all the excuses he made. Boy, did I give it to him. He is sooo much better now. Every weekend he’ll say what shall we do, where should we go. Sad thing is, my kids are older now and don’t always want to do things every weekend. He missed a lot of time with our kids when they were younger and he does regret that.

ANSWER
2 years ago
5 years ago I could have written thos question myself. I just started doing whatever I wanted and clearly telling husband when I expected him to help with outings or chores. We often go out or play outside without him. I text him pics that usually entice him to join. If he wants a relationship with our kids, it's on him to build it. If he wants clean clothes or floors, he's more than capable of handling that too. The more I babied him, the more ue acted like a manchild. I'm a busy mom, be my partner or make room for someone else to be.

ANSWER
2 years ago
Be strong for your kids Mum, do what you think is best for you and them.

ANSWER
2 years ago
Go out and take the kids without him. Enrol then into activities and spend your time driving them to and from their activities. Eventually he will figure out.