Ask SAHM is a place where you can ask our staff & community a question safely & anonymously. Please read our disclaimer.

Sex while your asleep

For a while now of a morning mainly my partner will have sex with me while I'm asleep, I either wake up and realise and drift back off to sleep or am aware but still asleep. He's always gentle and kind but it's a little creepy I say your basically raping me and he tells me I love it cause I get wet...
Does anyone else's husband does this...?


Got an Answer?

Answers (30)

If he doesnt get your consent, it's rape. Simple as that! For him to say it's ok because you get wet while he is doing it and therefore you enjoy it is very ignorant. And definitely not ok. He needs to learn basic biology. Just like an erection doesn't always mean he's aroused and all it is sometimes is a purely physical reaction, the same goes for females. Why does he not think to wake you up and ask your permission? Your husband is a Neanderthal.

I've written about this before. My husband and I frequently have sleep sex. He is whats referred to as a sexomniac. For us, it's okay as neither of us mind. But there's been times when I've woken up to him playing with me and I've not wanted it. So I tell him no, and try and wake him up enough so he can hear me. And he stops. There's people who will no doubt argue with me about this, but as it's my relationship and I'm happy with it. So there 😋
The fact that you don't want it means he should stop. A no is a no. If he pulls out that "oh but you were wet" crap, remind him that if a big aggressive gay man was to forcibly stick his hand up your husband's bum and play with his prostate, he'd probably cum. But it'd still be sexual assault.
And remind him that you're not some porn star in a rape fantasy scene. No means no. No excuse can change that.

If you are unable to give consent (asleep, intoxicated, drugged, whatever it is) then *it is rape*.

Hi there, As a Police Officer reading this, I am very, very sorry this is happening to you but what your husband is doing to you is RAPE. I am sorry if what I have said is harsh but it's the truth. If you did not give consent to have sex in the first place, it is RAPE, full stop and your husband IS commiting a crime. I'm not sure whereabouts you are in Australia or the world but you NEED to report this to Police immediately. Please, please, please seek help, your husband cannot continue to do anything to you without YOUR CONSENT.

 You're not a police officer
helpful (8) 
 This person is definitely not a police officer.
helpful (3) 
 Lol certainly not a police officer
helpful (0) 
 What does it matter? Whether she/ he is a cop or not the reply does state a fact. I think only the OP can truly come up with the solution right for her.
helpful (1) 
 Why lie about being a police officer. Weird
helpful (0) 

Haha I love that a "judge" and a "police officer" weighed in.

As the prime minister.... Here's my opinion on whether or not it's rape.

 I'm glad the prime minister has time to read ask sahm!
helpful (2) 

You need to talk to him about it properly. If you don't like it and it is making you feel "off" - tell him and come up with a solution together eg. Waking you properly, A safe word, no sex until after your morning wee or you brush your teeth or something. If he doesn't respect your wishes I would make him sleep elsewhere until he gets it (well actually I would tell him to leave but that's me).

My husband and I will often initiate sex whilst the other is asleep but there is no sex until we are both awake, if that makes sense? So I might kiss him and give him oral until he wakes and reaches for me or says something to acknowledge he is ready, or not, and we will continue, or not. He does the same for me. We have a lot of love, respect and trust in our relationship and we speak openly and often.

It does sound like you need to work on a few things with your partner. Communication is key.

 I know I am just rolling onto this from a year ago, but what an awesome answer!!
helpful (1) 

So by his reasoning if a guy comes up to him and rapes him and your husband gets an erection because he will that means that he wanted it. Your husband is raping you! What is worse is that doesn't see it that way. You need to get out now.

This is a very touchy subject, personally I have consented to let my husband do this. I also have consent to start playing with him if he's asleep. Many a morning he has woken to a blowjob.
So you need to decide if this is something you are okay with or not. If not then you need to make it very clear to him it is wrong and being wet is not a good enough reason. If he doesn't stop then you also need to decide if it's worth staying with someone who so obviously does not care about how you feel on something that is supposee to be an act of love between to people. Not just one person.

If you don't want him to do it, it's rape. It doesn't matter if you get wet or not. Make it clear you need to be fully awake first.

OP I don't like it or dislike it I just never had it happen before with another guy and we've been together 2&1/2 years and only just started. I don't know
helpful (0) 

There is not enough info in your post. If you wake up do you tell him to stop? If you drift off back to sleep before that do you tell him to stop?
If your not actively telling him to stop then no sorry I don't consider this rape and he is going off your body language and signals (being wet)
How you have then told him "you're basically raping me" sounds like a very off the cuff comment.
You need to sit down and talk to him and enforce when you do or don't want sex. If he continues after this chat then by all means yes it's rape and you need to leave and report him.

Devils Advocate .....
Maybe he doesn't realise your still asleep, you could be half awake, making subtle gestures that are neither for or against it. Maybe tell him you've been sleep heavily lately & want to more awake before getting randy.

helpful (0) 

Im sorry but i buy into the "let him or leave him" philosophy. My husband regularly does this as I am a deep sleeper and dont mind. If you were awake would you say no or ask him to stop before he finishes? Then why does it matter? Youre asking in public where they would also tell you to make him do his own laundry. You cant think about what other people would think, youre not on tv. Its you and your husband and nobody needs to know what you let him do to you. Would you want him complaining online about what you WONT do in bed? Then why is it ok to complain about what he DOES do? On my wedding day this lady that i idolize and think of as a mother told me a piece of advice. To leave my dignity at the bedroom door and that what makes a woman good in bed is what or how much she is willing to do or let her husband do. She is like an older clone of me so I trusted her experience but the feminist messaging I had as a recent college grad was making it hard to take the advice to heart. I actually laughed but now I feel bad about it. All she meant is that I should not get into my head about what he wants to do because I am not dirty or sl***y for choosing to make him happy. If anything you and I dont technically DO anything, its being done to us so its not sl***y if we didnt come up with it or ask for it. Its a way to be a guilt free awesome lover. I do not have any boundaries or hangups about sex other than I demand loyalty and am not okay with other women or men in our bed, but I AM the "good girl type" I dont really need sex and my enjoyment comes from pleasing my husband otherwise i guess i was raised to think a lady doesnt like sex. That being said, why would i have a problem with doing it while I sleep??? He can do all the things that hurt or bother other girls with zero judgement. He works while I stay home so I can rest all i need to, the only downsides to this arrangement is that sometimes my stomach will hurt if he hits my back wall real hard, and a crusty eye or the different tastes in my mouth depending on what he did and where he finished. I sleep with my mouth open and my eyes are a little bit open usually. lol. Look, guys want a girl to do whatever he wants in bed, why NOT use a trick to let you miss the details?

I have a medical issue that meant i wasnt supposed to be able to have kids. I told my ob/gyn about what we are discussing and she said the odds of me having sex at the tiny window(s) of fertility are astronomical. When I got pregnant she brought in every partner in her office. (my condition is super rare but well known). they asked me questions about how it happened and when we got to frequency of intercourse i told them "every night for 8 years". And when we beat the odds for carrying to term without my body rejecting the baby there was another group note session where they asked if we had intercourse during the 9 months. We hadnt because we were scared to. They said that without constant exposure to the fathers dna i should have rejected. Another miracle. Because we werent having vaginal sex I was giving him a "bj" instead. Quotes because he is a big guy and i have jaw problems so theyre not really blowjobs. He came up with the idea for him to get himself ready by masturbating and then i would finish him with my mouth. Here's the miracle part. The doctors said that because we were not having intercourse if i wasnt swallowing his semen regularly I would have lost my little girl. A medical doctor actually said those words and said they are going to submit my patient file to a medical journal. My own mother told me not to do that favor for my husband, that every day was ridiculous. Had I done what youre doing here and not listened to the woman that said to "check my dignity at the bedroom door"... i would have been too proud and defiant, i would never have gotten pregnant nor had the baby.

Yes my husband has done this before. I was also not really asleep but not actually awake either, he also thought because i got wet and made small noises and body moments that i was more awake then i was. i dont know about you but my husband doesnt actually ever say 'can i have sex with you/do you want sex' and wait for a yes or no, kind of ruins the mood for me, For us its all about body language rather then actual spoken words and we also start off spooning so he cant see my face much.
We had a chat about it, in our case it wasnt a big deal as it was an honest mistake and it never happened again. I would definitely be having a talk with him, tell him your have been asleep and that it really isnt ok , if thats how you feel, or that you have been asleep and want him to wake u up a bit more before starting, if thats how you feel.

 But you're fully wake and giving your consent with your response, right? An unconscious person cannot give consent. no matter how they react to sexual advances. That is the difference here.
helpful (0) 
 No like i said im not actually awake but i wasnt asleep either. I was in the light sleep where your aware but not really.
helpful (0) 
 Any bodily responses i gave werent intentional
helpful (0) 
 You're not awake. You said you're in a light sleep, that is not awake. You're unable to give consent even if partially aware of what is happening. I'm really astounded some men think they can have sex with you when you're asleep. Even when half asleep.
helpful (4) 
 Thats what i said.

He didnt know i was asleep as it started just like most times we have sex. If he knew i was asleep it wouldnt have happened.

helpful (0) 
 Since it started like most time we had sex he thought i was giving consent since thats how i would usually give consent, except that time i wasnt aware that i was doing anything.
helpful (1) 
 Oh for fu**s sake how is hubby to know if your awake or not. You obviously responded back and didn't lay there like a wet fish.

helpful (2) 
 Thats the point i was trying to get accross, which is why it wasnt an issue for me, he took my body language as consent despite i was asleep which he didnt know. Which is why it is not rape, that is my point. Why your arguing the point i already said i dont know
helpful (0) 
 ^ if it's not an issue for you, then it isn't an issue. Boundaries in relationships need to be clear. Because for some this kind of thing would be an issue. It comes down to respect and knowing what is and isn't ok within the confines of your relationship.
helpful (0) 

If you have asked him to stop he needs to respect your wishes and stop. It is not on to keep it going.

My ex did this. I told him I didn't like it and he had to stop. He used the "you started it" line but I kept telling him that he needs to make sure I'm awake first before doing anything. It was at a time when I wasn't in the mood for sex because I was going through a lot and I could handle a couple of times a week but just needed a few nights where I could just lay next to him without having sex with him. Eventually I gave up and just laid there while he did what ever when I woke up and tried to picture someone else. If I needed a break I would try to get him to fall to sleep on the lounge and sneak into bed and grab my kids to sleep in bed so we took up the whole bed and he had no where to sleep.