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No sense of identity

Answered 5 years ago

How many of us have lost their sense of identity, or never had one really form?

I have found myself, nearly aged 30, questioning who I am. Unfortunately I am a child of a narcissist and I really believe that this has made a very profound mark on how I see myself, or lack there of.

So, how do I find out who I am? I have followed some previous advice or writing my likes down etc. Yet it hasn't really helped.
I will watch a tv show for example or see someone I admire, and want to emulate them in some way... but I dont follow through, it's similar to wishful thinking.

It's like I can not make a decision about myself without internal conflict of what people might think/say/how it reflects on me. I know this is a self esteem issue.

So apart from therapy (which I have had a lot of) what advice do you ladies think you can give me?

If you made it to the end, thank you.


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ANSWER
5 years ago
I think you can start this journey at any age. You have to give yourself permission to care about yourself and look after your own needs.

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REPLY
5 years ago
Thank you what wonderful advice

ANSWER
5 years ago
Try electric shock therapy.

ANSWER
5 years ago
I am married to a narcissist and am aware of how damaging it can be to your sense of self. Self esteem is what is really important here. Second guessing yourself and worrying about others think is going to hold you back and stop you from taking up opportunities. ARe you still in contact with your narcissist parent because that won't help.
What do you want do? Are you happy in your job, if not take a course, up skill alittle, go to the movies on your own, take up excersize and a craft. Just try new things for awhile until you find what you like. Talk to people.
I lost my sense of self from my marriage and being a mum. I had to tap into the things that I enjoyed when I was a kid. I lost weight, got healthy, developed my old interests in baking and took up a craft that I had wanted to try for ages. Started excersizing and turned into a hobby to make friends.

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REPLY
5 years ago
Thank you, I haven't cut my mum off, but I have definitely distances myself. My husband says it's like she goes out of her way to compete with me. So I keep her behind this imaginary line I've drawn.
I'm going to take your advice and stop saying no to things. Thank you. I'm so glad you got your identity back, it must feel amazing

REPLY
5 years ago
And you are still with him because .....?

ANSWER
5 years ago
My husband left me 6 years ago and I was left with this feeling of who am I. I spent time painfully trying to work this out. I am now a person who can now easily say this is me!
I volunteer for a couple of charities, I have taken a couple of courses to up skill, I got rid of any item I.e. clothes that I didn't like but used 'just because' and really took time to build a wardrobe and home with things I absolutely loved, I joined a couple of local meetup groups and attended events that helped me make new friends and I spent time with people that made me feel good.
Other things fell into place by doing these things and I've never been happier. I met a guy last year and hes wonderful. We have a lot of common ground and make eachother laugh, we respect eachother and will aim to blend our two families in the future (which takes time and patience). But I honestly feel that if I had not known who I am then I would have accepted someone who wasnt right for me.

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REPLY
5 years ago
Thank you lovely, so happy you are on a great journey

ANSWER
5 years ago
Go try stuff. Take introductory classes. Try on different styles of clothes. Try new foods. Go to membership drives for different groups. Experiment and find yourself.

-or-

Sit in your house feeling lost and empty and never follow thru and your lack of self confidence and worth will become a self fulfilling prophecy. You will become nothing because you do nothing about feeling like nothing.

ANSWER
5 years ago
That's a tricky one to answer. Think of an interest and persue it, don't just think about it, actually do it. It could be anything you want to do. Its a small start, but hopefully one that will lead you into learning about yourself.

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REPLY
5 years ago
Well I have written a little bucket list for myself. I pursue them when I can.