Ask SAHM is a place where you can ask our staff & community a question safely & anonymously. Please read our disclaimer.

My husband is controlling tight with money. We earn more than 100k a year. Its all about what he wants. I had to get the cheaper mobile phone not the one I wanted as he took over all the purchasing. I grew up with a controlling, tight father and hated it. I want to provide a stable environment for my child and don't want to be a single Mother.

Limited family support - I have medical issues which need a lot of support.

Report

Got an Answer?


Answers (20)

We earn (just) over 100K combined, and we have cheap mobile phones, because we have a mortgage and 3 kids to support! So I cant really tell from your example whether he is being ridiculous or not. Exxy phone plans can add up to quite a lot. But if he gets lots of fancy things and doesn't let you then that's not ok. What is he like with other things? Does he let you have treats like go out for a coffee or whatever?

OP He loves eating out because in his job he eats out a lot. I don't care about take-away or eating out. He gets to fly business class when he goes away. He has IPhone 6 Note paid by work. We have a new car and house paid off but we are in our 40s. We will have enough in retirement because we are sacrificing now. But no-one knows how long we will live.

helpful (2) 
 It sounds a bit rough if the phone was something you really wanted and you don't get to have many other treats. Have a chat with him and point this out to him
helpful (1) 

Would you rather he spend it all on crap?? Honestly the grass isn't greener

OP Agree

helpful (0) 
 at least he could involve you though not just him self
helpful (1) 

Tell him you want to be more involved in the finances so you can help out as much as possible. Could it be that would you view as tight he views as safe? So what if you didn't get the phone you wanted. Maybe your family couldn't afford it. You mention medical issues so I assume that they must cost money as well.

Instead of complaining you should be grateful that you have a partner who doesn't want the family to go in a financial mess.

OP He has an IPhone 6 Note and I have heard the screen is small on IPhone 6. He recommended Samsung. During the week I rang Optus to get a new mobile and he didn't like that - wanted direct control.

helpful (0) 
OP We can afford it. He doesn't realise how unreasonable he is. I sewed yesterday and he doesn't like me sewing. He doesn't like me using Facebook. I work but he says I don't.

helpful (0) 
 OK that sounds like a bigger issue, he sounds very controlling! If you work, why not just go buy your own phone?
helpful (1) 

Reading all your replies im not sure see an issue, everything you are complaining he gets are through work, he isnt out spending money on himself either. He puts in the budget entertainment for you, so you can spend that money on going out like you want or putting it away to buy the phone you want or online shopping.
We are on a similar budget and we cant just go out every time we want or buy stuff on a whim all the time, sometimes you need to take the samsung instead of the iphone because it works for our budget, i cant spend money online everytime i see something i like its just not in our budget.
Maybe we are not getting the whole story? Is he controling in other areas? Like with your friends/family, sex, if/when you go out? Is he physical with you? Does he call you names or put you down?

OP He is starting to control my activities as well. Hates me using Facebook. He doesn't want sex from me which I know is a bad sign. Criticises me a lot. Warned me next financial year's budget is going to be tight yet school is cheaper than Kindy.


helpful (0) 
OP Doesn't like some of my friends/relatives so he is starting to put pressure to cut out or have less contact.
helpful (0) 
OP Doesn't like me to ring my Sister
helpful (0) 
 I think you might have bigger issues than the financial aspect. He's using that as an excuse to keep you under control.
helpful (5) 

Yeah not sure from your question whether you've talked about this? Or are you fighting about it? Money is a very tricky issue in marriage. Having had a father like that, didn't you notice the issues of money before you got married? Perhaps try financial counselling, or as some suggested splitting everything 50/50 I've heard of several couples that do that and it works really well for them. Hope it works out. I wouldn't suggest divorce unless you're fighting all the time or he's putting you down or abusing you. Being a single mum sucks as I'm one.

OP I suspected money issues before I got married. My husband had 50k in the bank and wouldn't buy a house cause he claimed he didn't have a secure job.

helpful (0) 
OP I had a unit - I was pretty sussed financially and had shares.
helpful (0) 
 being a single mum dose not suck least you get to be with your kids and have your own life ive got seven kids do it on my own so don't be so dam ungreatful you have the greatest gift you could have been given in life there is so many single parents out there and there so much better of
helpful (2) 
 Being a single mum does not suck. Being stuck in a shitty marriage with a control freak sucks.
helpful (2) 

if you need to be a single mum so be it darl sometime it is for the best if he controls the money now what he going to be like in next few years sound a lot like my ex he started with money then I couldn't go out then I couldn't talk to friends to the point he put the kids into before school care so I couldn't take them to school to make sure I didn't talk to someone stoped family seeing me in the end I had enough he went to work over a week I arranged a house removal trucks ect till i know he at work all day had everyone on stand by then the day came to leave he knew nothing all behind his back.
i have 7 kids one on the way he came to an empty house with what I thought he should be left with not much mind you and ive never looked back he still to this day dose not get why I left
being hit not allowed to speak to family and friends not allowed out the house telling me when and what to cook never allowed to see a cent of money
so sit and think is it really worth it the stress friends and family worried because your not your happy self because of his rules

OP He's starting to be controlling about my activities as well. He hates me using Facebook and it is annoyed I wasted time sewing yesterday. I work 1 1/2 hours/week and study but he says I don't work.
helpful (0) 
OP He's warned me this year's budget is going to be tight cause a lot of expenses have gone up and despite school next year being cheaper than Kindy.
helpful (0) 

I have a similar situation except he spends everything when I want to save he will transfer money out of my account into the joint account he will sulk if I say no we can't afford that he will say what about the 400 in the savings? And keep at me until I give in. Money is so tricky to share when you aren't on the same page. Maybe try to talk to him something that worked for my sister that we are about to try is having everything 50/50. Every shared bill like house electricity ect is split 50/50 then your individual expense like phone car lunch out ect is only you.

 I forgot to say it can work with sahm too it's your total combined income split evenly 50/50
helpful (0) 
 I take cash out and put it in a different account in a different bank to save.
helpful (1) 
OP My psychologist says have a separate personal a/c. My husband said the money isn't in the offset a/c for the loan we have.

helpful (0) 

Sounds like there's bigger issues in your relationship. Maybe he's nitvhappy and doesn't want to be with you. He could be having an affair.

Financial abuse is abuse. Get it sorted out with him or move on. It's your life, if you surrender control of it, it's very hard to get it back

Answered by OP

Strategies to deal with controlling behaviour and look at the advantages

 There aren't any advantages to the controlling behaviour. The more you push against it the worse it will get. To deal with my controlling hubby I had to become a liar, unfortunately. If I was running late because I chatted with someone at work heads would roll. So I would lie and say I stopped to fill the car with fuel to avoid being in trouble. Then he stopped giving me money altogether and would only put enough fuel in the car for me to get to work and home. You can't make it any better, it just escalates more and more.
helpful (0) 
 ^^ thats not always true, my partner was controling when it came to money, turns out we were struggling and he didnt want to worry me and didnt see how controling he was being, all it took was for me to sit down and talk to him for him to change the way he was being and let me help him rather then trying to deal with it all himself.


However in this instance with op i do think you are right, since its just come to light that he is controling in every area and money is right a small part of that.

helpful (1) 

If you want something and it's that important to you, go get it. You don't need permission, the money is half yours. If he has an issue, tell him so.

OP He wants control of 90% of the money. He even controls the money I have received from Mum and Dad.
helpful (0) 
Answered by OP

I can go for a coffee/lunch out because we have an entertainment budget. My husband gets free meals at nice restaurants so entertaining is important to him but not to me. I need to be more assertive.



 If he gets free meals then he isnt spending money either?
helpful (0) 

So talk to him. You don't have to sit there in the conner wishing he wouldnt be like that, you are allowed to have your own opinion, speak up.

 IN SOME CASES IT NOT THAT EASY IF I WAS TO STAND UP FOR MYSELF GOD HELP ME JUST PRAY MY KIDS AINT WATCHING IM IN THE SAME BOAT AND IVE LEFT AND HE HUNTED ME DOWN MADE LIFE HELL
helpful (0) 
 Take your shouty capitals else where.


helpful (0) 
 I dont see how its the same boat, she has said her husband controls the money and wont let her buy materialistic things like the best phone or online shopping. 100k combined for a family of 4 is not that much they would need to budget and not just throw money away on unneeded things. Lots of people don't like to spend unnecessary money that doesnt make them abusive.


helpful (0) 
Answered by OP

How do I overcome controlling behaviours and prioritise issues important to me. I was told I couldn't spend $20 on internet shopping.

 Put on your big girl panties and talk to him
helpful (0) 
 Right there is the issue. You don't need permission to buy things.
helpful (1) 

Could you have a "salary" of sorts for personal spending like new phones, clothes, etc? That would give you some more freedom to spend your own $ on your needs or a special treat

OP I have some money in our joint budget.
helpful (0) 
 been reading how many a/c do you both have with money in them think i found there like 4-5 a/c why so many and why is there a money issue if money in all these accounts

helpful (0)