Does it hurt less over time?

Answered 4 years ago

Hubby and I split 4 years ago, due to infidelity by him after cheating 15 or so years prior.
It’s along story but our co parenting has been strong. I have, still and will always love him. He is my family. Truth be told I never fully forgave him, unbeknownst to me and never fully let down the wall that went up after it happened.
I haven’t dated and neither has he. Until the past 8 months. He now wants to introduce her to me so that she can start to meet the kids.
I knew this would hurt but didn’t realise how much.
I never wanted any of this, it was forced on me and I was left with no choice.

I know what people think of cheaters but I also know my ex and he is a good man. He had a really fucked up childhood and it left scars he struggled to heal.
He hated what he did and really struggled with self loathing after the fact.
He’s grown so much since we were 21.
I know I’m not in love with him.
I know we can’t/won’t/ don’t want to be with him.

I know this is a mother hurdle to healing.
But it’s like it’s somehow a made station of the women who up until now we’re always unknown to me.

It hurts so fucking bad to see him with Someone else.
But I don’t want to be back together.
I knew this was coming.
And yet here I am.
He is sympathetic and gentle with my feelings about it.

I guess I just want someone to tell me what I know...
They’ve been here, it’s scarier in my head than it is and it will be ok once you face it head on.
Or not tell me how it actually was for you haha.

I thought I was “passed” this more than clearly I am.

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Answers

ANSWER

4 years ago

Please just try not to mess with their relationship. Be mindful of your actions as it seems easy to do even unconsciously,
Yeah it may hurt seeing him move on but also remember if this woman is going to be part of your children’s lives it will make your children’s environment so much more loving if You deal with the situation in a level headed way.

Clearly I am speaking from the new partner point of view. I have dealt with this from both ends. Four years is plenty long enough to have had yourself ready for this 😁 just sit back & cross your fingers that she will love your kids and treat them kindly xxx

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ANSWER

4 years ago

I hope for your sakes that the new woman coming in is sympathetic to your excellent relationship and your strong coparenting, to often it’s met with immaturity and they feel threatened and that’s is were the problems start. Or they want the man without the “baggage”. Good luck to you OP.

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ANSWER

4 years ago

For me, I think it's the fact that my ex and i are really good friends, and Im not bothered by the hookups and casual sex, but I feel like I'm still high importance in his life and I guess a new long term partner would mean I wasn't in that close friend circle anymore.
I know what you mean, I can't explain it, I don't want him back but sometimes I wonder if it's an ownership thing??? I'd like to think I wasnt an ownership type of person but maybe I am when it comes to my kids dad?

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ANSWER

4 years ago

Yes it gets easier. The first was the hardest for me. It's hard for a little while especially when the kids mention their family time together. But after a little while it gets easier. What made it ok for me though was seeing how much happier my kids were to go to visit dad and partner. They liked her and she looked after them well. They were together 18 months.
He's not with her anymore. Hes introduced 3 since then and they last a few weeks.
He's introducing a new one this weekend. She sounds nice from what I've heard but I wish he wouldn't introduce every single one.
I dont have any say in him introducing new gfs whenever he gets a new one. Our children roll their eyes and pretend they're ok with it to him. They still talk to the first one because they bonded so strongly with her.
So now I'm not bothered when he does.

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ANSWER

4 years ago

Oh, what to say. I feel very much the same. My husband also cheated ..... actually had an affair. We are still together, raising the kids. I don't think I can really forgive him or forget it, even though he said he chose to be unfaithful and it wasn't my fault, and that he destroyed what we had. It's so painful. I still have love for him too, but it'll never be the same. I believe that we will eventually break up. It'll be very hard to see him with someone else.
I'm thinking of you

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