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Is divorce the next step?

Answered 2 years ago

We're married 10 years. He's a good man, and a good provider. I try my best to make sure he's happy, feels loved and appreciated. We keep pretty traditional gender roles, he works and is in charge of the car and OCCASIONALLY the yardwork, and I do everything else. I'm a housewife and a stay at home mother.
I'm not happy. For some time now I've felt unappreciated and like he's only with me because our life together is convenient. He says he loves me, but I don't know if I believe that anymore. I think he loves the role I play in his life. Not me. I've told him many times I need him to show me more affection. I've even doubled down on my loving towards him. I treat him like a king. While I feel more like a scullery maid he fucks when he wants to.
My life at the moment is physically easy. But emotionally it's hard. He's made no effort to better our marriage. There seems to always be an excuse.
What can I do? Counselling would be a laughable suggestion to him. Is divorce the next step?


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ANSWER
2 years ago
OP here. I'd like to start this comment by thanking you all for your advice and time.
Since I made this post, I had a good hard look at myself. A critical eye is sometimes the best gift we can give ourselves. A couple of you implied I should just suck it up. That's what I have been doing for the last few years. Alternating between begging him to change, and sucking it up because this is the way things are.
I've let him take the lead in how I allow myself to feel and that's neither fair nor helpful.
Others said I should take some ownership for my life choices. So thats what I'm doing now. I consented to this life. And I can force a change one way or another, just as much as he can.
Some said to study and seek fulfilment within myself independent from him. So I am. Whether that means that I'll eventually leave him, or our relationship improves will be evident over time. We are booking me into some courses next week when he returns home (he works DIDO). To be completed before spring. After which, I will be returning to the workforce in some capacity (even if that means scrubbing loos like one person said, a job is a job, and is a big part of feeling better about myelf and our situation).

I still love him immensely. I still, in my heart of hearts, know that I don't want this relationship to end. I will be taking the lead in bringing romance back into our daily lives, even if I'm the only one doing it. I will woo him. Because that's who I am. A lover. And loving him, makes me feel good about being me. And I'll be trying to find the romance in his actions and words. If he tells me he loves me, I'm going to take it that those words - however robotic they come across as - harbour many more affectionate terms, he may not feel comfortable expressing. When he calls me after a long hard day, I'm going to choose to see it as he desperately missed me and now wants to decompress with the woman he loves. It's a little sappy and sad sounding. But basically, in a situation where I could feel less than, I'm going to try and take it the opposite. And see the best. It's difficult to explain I think, and probably makes no sense. But it's my plan.
Thank you all for your time, and patience here.

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2 years ago
🙏

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2 years ago
Good choice. I’m in the same situation, making the same choice. I wish you all the best.

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2 years ago
I’m in a similar situation and I’m financially independent enough to leave but I don’t because I love him. It really is about being assertive and communicating with him. We have been talking through how I feel and things have improved so much, he is really making an effort.

ANSWER
2 years ago
You need to leave so that you both have another chance at love

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2 years ago
OMG- working to provide for your children and their mother so she can stay home with them, telling her you love her IS love. People express it in different ways. Any relationship you have in the future is also going to transition into a less passionate, more comfortable relationship too- and then you have to add step parents and children into the mix, making it harder and landing you in the same situation but with a different person who might turn out not to be a good man......big risk for negligible gain.

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2 years ago
I've been in my marriage for that long & i'm not miserable. It's still passionate & playful. We still acknowledge how much we love & appreciate each other every day. My husband just sent me a love song yesterday it was corny as shit but it still made me shed a little tear because I know he means it with all his heart & that I'm his world. She sounds incredibly unhappy & you're just telling her to give up on life and stay where she is because it's the safe choice.

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2 years ago
Realistically, most people don’t have the kind of partners who send them love songs everyday. Not everyone expresses their love that way (and I would bet, not many men). If my husband did that I would find it creepy and fake lol....but we are all different. Someone not being romantic enough is not grounds for divorce and I think that she should look for other ways to be fulfilled in her life, rather than nitpicking about what her husband isn’t doing for her. I think it is overly dramatic to break up your family and possibly be even more miserable 10 years down the track because he doesn’t feed your ego or make you feel special enough. Make yourself feel special.

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2 years ago
There arnt many woman who regret a break up

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2 years ago
My soul would die in relationship like that. I have never settled for ordinary and I never would. So yeah your right everyone is different.

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2 years ago

ANSWER
2 years ago
Life is too short to live in emotional turmoil, if I were in your position I would take some time to get my ducks in a row - study something that can lead to a job when you leave him, set up a financial back up plan, squirrel a little money, prepare mentally to become a single mother, take advantage of your cushy life and make a proper plan first.

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REPLY
2 years ago
Thank you for your reply. I think you have some great points there, and I should put on my big girl knickers and follow your advice. It's hard for me to say that. Being his wife has been part of my identity so long now. My parents divorced when I was young, and I never wanted to make the same choice. But, you're right. Life is short. I think I'll have a look at some courses tonight. Thankfully, he likes the idea of me studying (although how I'll find time for that is a mystery I'm yet to solve). He said previously that I can study if I want to. So I will.
Oh God this is such a scary thing to think of. A single mother. Just like my own (although minus all her narcissism). A failed marriage, just like my parents.

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2 years ago
Divorce is not a failure, sometimes it is the best solution for everyone to be who they want to be. Different responder here, but also seek counselling for yourself, you don’t need him to help you sort out your emotional side

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2 years ago
It sounds like you need to find your own identity independent of whether you do or dont have a man. Why do you need his permission to study? I mean, my husband and I would discuss such things but it sounds like hes the boss of you or something. Do you have your own hobbies and stuff, it sounds like doing som e things to be your own person would really help.

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2 years ago
Please don't see divorce as a failure.

My parents used to say how they were married for 20 years to outsiders but inside the house mum would talk about how unhappy she was to me and my siblings. We were in primary school. Then she'd say was staying for us. Even tho she was the one looking after us and bringing in the money.

The best thing she did for herself and us was separate from our father. I was at uni at that time.

After the separation she was so much happier and we were too because for so long us kids were telling her to separate.

I like this advice you got, go study something and set yourself up a bit.

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2 years ago
You will have time to mentally prepare.

ANSWER
2 years ago
Tell him counseling is required in your marriage otherwise you're heading down the divorce road he might take that seriously. I'm sorry you find yourself in that situation. There's magic out there for you somewhere.

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2 years ago
You need to take some ownership of your life choices. He’s not forcing you to stay home and be a housewife.

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2 years ago
Do you want to be married or to be out? We need a decision before you go much further

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2 years ago
You need to find happiness for yourself. As a stay at home wife it can be very easy to look to your husband to fufil your social needs, top up your self esteem and provide you with the acknowledgment we all crave for the efforts we make at work or home. I think you need to look for other things to make you happy, and not expect all your happiness to come from your husband and the relationship you share. Find a hobby, spend time with friends, maybe even study or find work outside the home. This will give you other things to focus on and less time to worry over the fact that your marriage has become a bit mundane. As you have said, he is a good man who says he loves you. I think you might be overthinking things and could come to regret a divorce down the track.... if he isn’t cheating, treats you well and says he loves you, what would your grounds for divorce be?

ANSWER
2 years ago
I don’t think this will necessarily lead to divorce but maybe a trial separation? I’ve been where you are. I went through years of neglect and rejection and was too scared to ask for a divorce. I ended up in an affair. Do not be me. Speak up!

ANSWER
2 years ago
If he read this, what would be the ideal outcome? What exactly do you want to happen?

ANSWER
2 years ago
You sound really lucky to have a man who doesn’t expect you to work. Are there other things you can do to give yourself more life satisfaction? We can’t expect our partners to provide everything for us.
Can you take up a hobby, sport or exercise- it might give you a new sense of purpose.
Men a simple creatures he probably likes his life with you and doesn’t see anything wrong. I’m sure he is comfortable and you provide him with security- what’s wrong with that in this crazy world? Look at it from his side he sees himself as the provider he does not get a choice. So he is making do the best he can. Good luck

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2 years ago
Maybe work on making yourself happy first? Some online study, go to eork a couple of days a week? You'd be surprised how this can imptove your self worth and also your relationship

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2 years ago
sorry, terrible typing without my glasses!

ANSWER
2 years ago
That's really sad. Ignore all those horrid comments from those, I want to say women? But I'm not sure they are.
I think you need to tell him exactly where you're headed. Tell him you're considering divorce. Maybe he needs the harsh truth? I am not saying this to rub it in but we're the same (just together a bit longer) and we're so in love. So I don't want you to settle feeling unloved, must be really isolating on you. You deserve happiness so don't take anything less. Good luck hun xx