Supporting a child you no longer see.
Answered 10 months ago
My husband has a 13 year old son from a previous relationship. They always had a rocky relationship and struggled to bond. Dad only had minimal contact with his son as a baby, only had regular access since he was around 5 years old. Mum re married and her husband has raised the boy as his own from around the age on 1. Once my husband and I had a child the relationship between my husband and his older son deteriorated. About a year ago step son chose to cut contact.
With regards to child support the parents chose not to have regular payments, but my husband pays half of school stuff, sport, general expenses. Mum usually emails the invoice. Since the son chose to stop contact husband hadn't received any invoices, we didn't know if it was because every thing was cancelled due to covid or if mum chose not to send. Husband just received a few invoices for sport, school and sport uniforms and shoes.
My question is to anyone who has been in this situation, did you continue to pay for a child you don't see?
My husband has respected his sons wishes, and feels these are natural consequences for his decision. Its not out of spite, but wanting to focus on his family, which his son has chosen not to be a part of. I don't have anyone to talk about this with in real life.
Have an answer?
I'm a mum with 3 kids who have a dad that decides to stop paying while hes wooing the new girlfriend. It's happened often. My opinion though is that of a parent decides to keep the child away from the other parent they shouldn't receive a cent.
If, like me as a child of divorced parents choose not to see the other parent because of the awful step mother and dad not putting a stop to it then it still needs to be paid but only what child support states and nothing more.
Just my opinion.
I think it started off as a way for the son to punish his dad, and now my husband is trying to punish his son, even though he doesn't realise it. Husband did contact csa and is about to make regular payments, so he will be contributing. He got another email from mum, it was to make him feel guilty, and it did. So will be interesting to see what happens.
That's unconditional parental love.
It really is concerning that you and your husband don't understand it. Careful you and your kids don't end up on your husband's scrap heap too 🤔
Its not about the money, there are funds for what ever the child needs, its the expectation that he can ask for things despite not having a relationship with his dad. My husband wants him to understand that he ended the relationship, and the spoils that went with that are gone.
Anyway point is, he had the child, he should pay for child, regardless
Hi thanks for the replies. I sat my husband down last night he has to deal with this. He agreed that a regular amount is the way to go, and is going to contact csa and get the ball rolling today. The reason this hasn't been done before is the amount of child support is very small, so they felt it easier to pay for agreed things, and things my husband can see benefit the child.
He finally wrote back to mums email and nicely said he has respected his sons wishes and stayed away, he doesn't want to be contacted again, and about paying support through csa.
He wished his son all the best in life, but he is no longer able to supplement his lifestyle.
Hopefully now we can move on.
Be careful OP, he’s showing the sort of man he truely is...
I think it’s a cop out if people say they weren’t allowed to see
Unless they’ve blatenly broken court orders and always have done so which iv never seen people successfully do (though I’m sure it sometimes happens) it’s bullshit.
If your husband doesn't pay what seems very bare minimum and reasonable, I hope the mother does collect proper payments and gives you something to really whine about.
Kids should not feel entitled!
It is her business, she shares finances with this bloke!
I think responses about the child being a child is very naive. Some kids have the attitude that they deserve so much even if they decide to cut contact. I agree that the father should pay what CSA calculate but no more. Hes decided that this man is not dad, should have nothing to do with his life but still wants over and above to pay for a sport that is expensive. Yes, sport can be important for mental health and for fitness but racing is not just your usual sport. Thousands of dollars is ridiculous compared to $150 a season.
At 13 he shouldn't expect to put his hand out and receive from a man he has cut ties with.
This is part of what is wrong with this generation. We are raising some very selfish individuals that make their own rules.
I've been on both sides of this situation: a child who didn't want a relationship with my dad and as a a single parent who receives periodic payments from child support. I wouldn't ask anything from my dad (who I now have a good relationship with) but I also wouldn't approve of my children asking for an unreasonable amount from their father for a luxury sport like racing.
My opinion will rub some up the wrong way just like some of the responses on here rubbed me up the wrong way.
And regardless of the language you and your husband chose to use, his son IS part of his family which means a life long and ongoing emotional and financial responsibility.
I wouldn’t pay for extra sports if money was tight, they are a luxury.
I definitely wouldn’t pay for extra luxuries for a child that didn’t want anything to do with me.
He needs to get on the Centrelink estimator and get an estimate of the child support he is expected to pay and call child support and have it set up as a csa collection. Even though that money should go towards the son, the mother can do whatever she wants with that money as long as she’s not neglecting the child.
He then needs to reply to the mother ASAP letting her know so she can decide if she will pay the extra, there’s always the chance that the son doesn’t even know dad chips in towards the extra stuff.
At 13 he’s almost old enough to get a job, maybe he should do that if he wants expensive things (not meaning the sports, someone mentioned $300 shoes)
At 13 you can decide who you want in your live. I tell my kids , you are always allowed to leave a situation, regardless of what it is and where you are, sometimes the other people won’t like it and that’s their choice how they react. Relationships, work, family, parties
Yes that's it, son considers step dad to be dad. Son doesn't like being away from his family, and despite lots of different ways to accommodate him this is the decision he made.