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Some of you may remember my posts about my ex bff dropping me like a hot potato... sort of update..

Long one sorry in advance but I have no one to bounce this off. #friendless lol
This isn’t about the bff but about the ex roommate. He moved in with her, been a month or so I guess. He was super tight with my daughter (4) he lived with us since she was 6ish months old, she loves the crap out of him, thinks the sun shines out of his bunghole. So when he moved out she took it really hard. He was an awful friend and roommate but he was amazing with her so we agreed to keep in contact so they can still see eachother etc. it’s pretty rough for me but I deal. So anyway we’re basically in this bizarre visitation agreement. We’re friendly and respectful to eachother for the sake of my little girl. Anyway. My point. Over the last month there’s been a couple issues in regards to my boundaries. Basically me telling him don’t make promises to her then bail leaving me to pick up the pieces when she’s devastated. Continued in comments


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Answers (5)

You can be annoyed, but maybe it's best top cut ties. You can use this as a way to teach your daughter how to deal with loss. And as a kid she'll recover quickly compared to adults anyway. You should instead fill her time with positive experiences that feature the both of you, picnics, park trip, camping, sports, dancing lessons. I mean you might already do it, but if she's too busy looking forward to something else it'll be easier for her and if she's not upset you'll be able to cope better with the loss also. Merry xmas x

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OP Thank you. Merry Christmas! I’m definitely letting it fade out. I don’t think my daughter would cope with a sudden cut off but love the idea of giving her other things to look forward to. Xx
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Cut him off and move on! He’s not her father. You’re daughter is 4. Kids are resilient! Definitely setting your daughter up for long term issues!!!

OP My daughter is very sensitive and VERY selective with her company. There is literally 4 adults that she is 100% comfortable with, that includes me and her father. This ex roommate is one of the 4. My mother being the 4th. Us 4 are the only constants in her life since basically birth, I have next to no support elsewhere. She has been attending daycare since March with the same educator 2 days a week and only JUST started actually speaking to the educator within the last few weeks. that’s how slow to warm and shy my daughter is. When the roommate moved out she was crushed, she sobbed for him, she sat at his empty bedroom door begging him to come out. It was beyond heartbreaking. Cutting him out of her life with no warning or lead up or even a goodbye would only make her MORE reserved and shy. So, thanks for playing but that was just supremely awful advice where my daughter is concerned.
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 I have a child like this, and it’s annoying to receive advice like ‘they’ll get over it’ you know your child best so you’re almost answering your own question. Slowly slowly as contact drops off, she’ll slowly come to terms with him not being around as much. And she’s done the hardest part already by having him move out so it will work out eventually. Just try and leave it open ended if she asks when Fred is going to come over, just say you aren’t sure. Or he hasn’t called yet.
Goodluck x

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OP ^ thank you PP! Yeah I get really annoyed when I get told that 😬 clearly. Yes, YOUR kid might get over it but mine would be actually emotionally damaged from something like that! Letting contact naturally fade out, I don’t mention him to her (re seeing or speaking to him) I only make contact when she asks and is adamant (emotionally fragile but also fiercely stubborn lol). Xx
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 Responder was giving advice using what info she had. You can't get annoyed at her for not knowing how sensitive your daughter is.
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OP Telling me I’m “definitely setting my daughter up for long term issues” is offering advice?? Nope.
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 Op of this response. I was going off what you had said. You sound like you’re more put out by the fact you have lost the room mate and maybe jealous of their relationship (him with your bff) otherwise who cares that your daughter spends time with your (ex) bff. If she was your BFF I assume your daughter had a close relationship with her too??? It was your hurt that caused you to cut her out of your daughters life.
Sounds like it’s all your own agenda

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OP Like I said, saying I’m setting her up for issues is not offering advice. And no, it’s not my own agenda, if it was they both would be completely wiped from our lives. The bff was actually long distance, lived rural for years then recently moved to the city but was still over an hour and a half away. Our communication was 95% text, call and FaceTime so my daughter hasn’t noted her absence because she wasn’t physically here all the time. I understand that you only got this section of the story and was going off that but still, that last comment was not advice. If you want to read more of what happened I posted twice about it. You can search “how to cope with losing your best friend” can’t remember the title of the other one but I’ll search it and comment it incase you do want to read it.
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Biggest boundary issue we had was a couple weeks ago while I was away for a few days, he spoke to her on the phone and decided to put the ex bff on the phone. When I got back he was over visiting her and asked if she could come out to see ex bff, I let her because he’d said it in front of her and she was excited etc but later told him it wasn’t ok, completely disrespectful to me and her absence hadn’t been noted by my daughter, if it had and she was devastated by her absence I would deal but it’s not the case and just don’t do it. We were mature about it, no arguing. So the last week, twice he said he was coming to visit and cancelled last minute. This weekend was the same asked on Friday to come on Saturday I said yeah but it gonna be real hot but yeah, he cancelled first thing in the morning. Last night says he wants to come today.... aaaand cancelled and promised tomorrow. Asked if he could call her today I said of course and yup no call. I know he’s under no obligation, he’s not her father, uncle or relative of any sort, she hasn’t been made aware of any of the plans he has cancelled on so she’s not upset, IM annoyed... I’m at the point of saying don’t bother at all but I know that’s an over reaction. I’m not really sure what my question is. Do I have a right to be annoyed? I guess.. or mostly just a vent because I have no one to talk to lol. Sorry for the novel!!

 Of course you can be annoyed. Your ex roommate and your daughter are friends, and he's being a crap friend!
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OP Thank you! He is being a shit friend. *also, feel like you summed up my really long winded post in one sentence and I’m thinking ‘well, I’m annoying’* 😂😂
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 You sound like a bitter ex determined to prevent a relationship with the new girlfriend and your child. Sounds more like you are trying to cause issues between your ex house mate and ex bff.

If he has broken promises so many times have you ever considered he doesn’t really want to be in this situation?

Good opportunity to teach your daughter about loss and how to work through these situations (together as it seems you are not coping with the loss of friend/ housemate and bff) sounds like you are lonely, friendless I believe you said you are hanging onto some way to keep contact with the housemate. Understandable, he has lived with you most of your child’s life so you and your daughter are both adjusting to it just being the two of you.
Seems like you have never really lived the single mum life. Get out and do stuff to distract both of you.

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OP I get how it would look like that lol but it’s not the case.
Ohhh need to clarify, I’m not single lol I’m with my children’s father, have been for over 8 years. The roommate moved in with us because he was doing it tough and stayed for a really long time lol. As for me finding a way to stay in contact, I don’t initiate visits or contact (unless my daughter is crying for him then I will call him so she can speak to him). He messages me asking everytime, he is under no obligation and he knows that, it’s his choice to make contact and make plans. When the ex bff and I had the falling out I was absolutely crushed. I definitely am lonely and I definitely am struggling to deal with that loss, that’s why this is so much harder, I’d love it if the roommate was gone from my life because I wouldn’t be constantly reminded of that pain and my ex best friend but i can’t just do that because it effects my daughter.

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 Wow! What does your partner think of this?
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Sounds like he is the one distancing himself from you and your daughter, broken promises, doesn't show!!!! I think you need to get out and make some friends. Have you thought about joining a playgroup???? I get what your saying, but you really need to move on and introduce your daughter to others and more importantly to other kids!!!! We thought our daughter was super shy, turns out she was Autistic (harder to diagnose in girls)!!!!

OP If he is that’s fine but doesn’t make sense to make plans then cancel if that’s what his motive is. She goes to daycare and has a circle of friends outside of that too, she has no issues making friends with peers it’s adults that she is selective with. Autism isn’t on my radar with her 😊.
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 Seems to me he is doing more damage then good at the moment!!! Surely she must be getting use to not seeing him by now. What does your partner think of all this??? Just sounds so bizarre!!! Personally I would not put up with it, nor would my husband!!!! And sounds like you need to make some friends!!!! Everyone needs friends!!! Yes you do have a right to be annoyed!!! Talk it over with your partner, it is your child, your choice if you want to keep up this bizarre relationship. Personally I would not put my child through this!!!!
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Interesting situation to be in. But for the sake of the kid you need to put some rules in place that he needs to stick to otherwise misses out on time with your daughter
Eg: Can call every Monday and Friday between (set times) if he doesn’t then bad luck he misses out till next time.
Same with visits. Do not let daughter know of any “plans” that way she is not disappointed.
I wouldn’t be too hung up on his presence, he’ll eventually have a kid of his own and drop you both like a hot potato. Be careful.

OP Yep doing basically that minus scheduled calls. I never tell her the plans until I know he’s on his way. When this first started he made a lot of promises that he broke and I told him no more of that and he hasn’t since.
I’m fine with slowly distancing because I know he will drop off eventually but I also know that he does have a lot of love for her. It’s tough. Thank you.

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