Is it ok for local grandparents to not visit kids on birthdays?
Answered 7 months ago
My parents (not together) each live 5 minutes away from me (rural town). Recently my daughter turned 4 and my Mum have her a card that said ‘3’ and took some convincing before she finally believed she was in fact 4. She didn’t even call the day my youngest turned 1 a few months earlier. Today my oldest is 11, my dad rang yesterday to ask me for money, asked how old son will be and how’s he enjoying grade 5. He’s in grade 6. Said hopefully he will catch him soon (he won’t go out of his way to visit). Over the summer holidays mum had no idea son was going into grade 6 or daughter starting preschool. They just don’t bother going to any effort at all. If I mention it they will make it out to be my fault. I’m the first one they ring when they need something. Dad borrows money from me a lot. I’m the only one of his 4 children who is currently sahm. The others all have good incomes. He doesn’t ask for their help. Mum will call me every time she needs someone to check her mail or order something online for her.
They will both go out of their way to see other grandchildren and step grandchildren, not just for birthdays but through the year as well.
Am I right to tell them it bothers me and not be willing to help them out anymore? How do I get the point across without them making it all out to be my fault?
Have an answer?
Like someone else said start your own memories.
Stop the money with your dad unless it is for urgent things like medical expenses.
As for your Mum, don't offer or be too available to her.
Don't expect anything from either of them, they're obviously focussed on their own lives.
Do your own thing with your family, create your own traditions & memories.
You cannot force someone to act a certain way. Make your kids’ birthdays and other milestones as special as you can without expecting anything from your parents. And if they remember or do something thoughtful, bonus. Having close family members who make little to no effort, this is what I have learned over the years. Expect nothing. And then you won’t get hurt when invariably your expectations are met.
Also, stop lending your father money and making yourself so available to your mum. They sound like very selfish people.