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My step daughter from my previous marriage is turning 17 which I raised since she was 4. My now wife never liked my rela

Answered 4 years ago

My step daughter from my previous marriage is turning 17 which I raised since she was 4. My now wife never liked my relationship with her but she “accepts” her now. For her 15th I didn’t go due to my wife feeling I shouldn’t go based on I needed to put her first. 16th she made plans for us non refundable during her bday, now this year (17) She is doing the same thing again. I’ve been trying to repair my relationship with my step daughter but I can’t with things like this happening over and over. Even tho she is doing something nice to surprise me for my bday my step daughter is never considered, hurts me a lot.

My wife tells me she is willing to call her and explains the situation and we can celebrate her another day, I know she would never do this to her own son and now she doesn’t want me going if I am going to be sad or depressed on the trip. I told her things need to be set right for me to enjoy it. Thing is even tho she says I mean no harm I forgot it was her bday we are missing out on her actual day. Tickets are non refundable again so if I don’t go then I will hurt my wife and we will be in a bad place for a while. Don’t know what to do please help!


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ANSWER
4 years ago
If I read it correctly its both of your birthdays on the same weekend? I would do the same, unless the step child was part of your life and you saw them regularly. I wouldn't put my plans on hold on the off chance you saw someone that's not part of your life. Maybe stay home and let your wife enjoy a weekend without you.

ANSWER
4 years ago
To quote Cher’s dad I’m Clueless: ‘you divorce wives, not children’. Go to the party.

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REPLY
4 years ago
Lol in clueless, not I’m clueless - though maybe 🤔

ANSWER
4 years ago
You came with a child and it’s deplorable she is not included in your special day plans and that she is not considered.
Being part of a “blended” family I have two step kids. I have to be honest I think the whole blended family concept is a load of shit but I would NEVER stop my partner seeing his children and have encouraged more access and overnights when it would be far easier on me to have just said no thanks and left him being a one weekend a fortnight dad (nothing wrong with that if it works for you and your life).
We have an extremely toxic ex to deal with and the kids exhibit many behaviours that make time with them difficult and strained but I have not once ever considered life without them and nor would I want to consider the impact on me pressuring him to exclude them and how it would negatively impact his personal wellbeing let alone our relationship.
I would just communicate that it’s very important to you and explain your reasons why. She doesn’t have to participate in time you have with her, I certainly don’t spend every minute mine spends with his kids together.
Whatever your wife’s issues are SHE needs to be the one to find a way to let you have that time and move forward. Anything else is just selfish.

ANSWER
4 years ago
Your wife is looking for a reason to leave

ANSWER
4 years ago
I would go to your step daughters birthday. Yes you'll upset your wife, but let it be a lesson she won't soon forget.

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REPLY
4 years ago
Or she might change the locks while he is out.

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4 years ago
Not sure that would be a bad thing

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4 years ago
lol

REPLY
4 years ago
Well he did marry her, so you would assume he wants to stay married.

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4 years ago
^Maybe he doesn't want to be married to her any more. This is why we have divorce

REPLY
4 years ago
Didn't you read the question?

REPLY
4 years ago
Did you?

REPLY
4 years ago
Lol

ANSWER
4 years ago
Maybe everyone could see things from the wife’s point of view. This is a child who is not actually his (technically not even a step daughter anymore, and if the step really never mattered to him and he thought of her as “his”, he wouldn’t call her his “step”, but just daughter.) but is only connected to him through his ex wife. New wife probably sees it as a way for the husband to maintain contact with ex wife, which makes her extremely insecure. Perhaps she is wondering why she needs to take the birthdays of his ex-step children into account when planning birthday surprises for him and holidays for his current family that fall on his birthday. So she never gets to celebrate her husbands birthday in a special way, because it clashes with his ex step daughters...... does the ex step daughter have her biological father or a new step dad on the scene? Is that why you feel so badly for her? I understand wanting to maintain a relationship, but I think it is acceptable to celebrate her birthday at an alternate time (as most split families do) rather than having to be at her birthday with your ex. If you were so intent on remaining a part of that family, maybe you shouldn’t have broken up with her mother in the first place.......

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REPLY
4 years ago
Oh wow! So many levels of judgement right here

REPLY
4 years ago
If he said daughter and not step daughter it would not describe his situation properly, he pointed out he raised her from 4yrs old. I think he’s eating the step father title in 12 years

REPLY
4 years ago
When this man married his current wife, he made her his family by choice. She is not an interloper, she is trying to plan holidays and celebrations for her husband on HIS birthday......I don’t think it is necessarily logical that her husbands ex step daughter she be at the front of her mind when she is planning stuff for his birthday. Lots of families celebrate birthdays, Christmas etc separately. If this step daughter is so close that he still considers her his daughter, why doesn’t he have any kind of custody arrangement or other informal arrangement where he sees her regularly and can celebrate family occasions with her during those times? Seems to me he hasn’t been clear enough with his wife in the past, and when she is planning things, just thinks “well we always go away for his birthday, what’s the big deal?” Forgetting (what is to her) the minor detail of someone else’s Bithday (who has probably not much connection to her, so why would she remember it?).

REPLY
4 years ago
Also, it seems he raised her for 10 years (at the most) then chose not to be part of her family anymore (being that he wasn’t there for her 15th birthday, he was obviously seperated from her family by then, possibly before then).

REPLY
4 years ago
There are 2 sides to every story

REPLY
4 years ago
Is this the wife?

REPLY
4 years ago
Just someone who doesn't believe everything she reads on this side. I suppose you do though

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4 years ago
* Site

REPLY
4 years ago
I agree about different stories. I also feel we've heard this story or something similar very recently.

REPLY
4 years ago
I agree.. it is very suspicious. This has come through in different ways a few times

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4 years ago
Yes highly suspicious you should write a book about it

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4 years ago
Maybe after I finish the one I'm writing now

REPLY
4 years ago
It sounds like the wife has been fully aware of the father/step daughter relationship the whole time they've been together. It's not like he's suddenly surprised her with this information. If she didn't like it then, she shouldn't have married him if its such a big issue.

ANSWER
4 years ago
Oh boy, what a horrible manipulative woman you married. I would bemaking my step child a priority you only have one birthday a year and turn one age once.

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REPLY
4 years ago
It is his step child, whom he never adopted, who possibly has a bio dad and new stepdad in her life. I don’t think she’ll be crying herself to sleep that he ex step dad (whose been broken up from her mum for 3 or more years) didn’t turn up. He could just buy her a nice present and have her over for a seperate birthday meal and cake at his families house 🙄. He’s making a mountain out of a mole hill!

REPLY
4 years ago
Yes I could do that but the point here is that the entire reason I kissed her 15th which is a big deal for Mexican families is because my wife did not find it appropriate our relationship given she was now a teen. We had just gotten married and she blew up on me about not being part of it and got super upset I wanted to help with the flower arrangements which I had already said I’d help long before I even met my new wife. And she is the blood related with my son FYI so all this also hurts my son seeing she is not accepted well in our household for no good reason. Just because my wife gets jealous of whatever attention I may give my stepdaughter and yes I say step so you can understand but I have always called her my daughter. I never hid her from my new wife I told her before getting married what she meant to me. So our relationship took a huge hit after the 15th which I’ve been trying to repair for a while now.

REPLY
4 years ago
*meant to say missed her 15th birthday

REPLY
4 years ago
He said in the comments he raised her since she was 4. She doesnt just stop being a part of his life because they arent biologically related. He sounds like a great guy to be looking out for her actually.

ANSWER
4 years ago
A few details you may not know. Yes she has her biological father but they dont have a good relationship at all. I always did and she is blood related to my son. I had son in this marriage but she was the first person i ever saw as a daughter. Then my son came along 3 years later. When i married my now wife i never hid her i told her what she meant to me. My wife now had an issue me attending her 15th bday due to her feeling that my realtionship with her had expired, she was not my biological daughter and not blood therefor things could happen like her crushing on me or some ridiculous idea of that. She hated i even contributed to helping with her bday and felt i shouldnt have. Its broke my daughters heart as i made the horrible mistake of not going trying to please my wife. I later realized what a mistake i had made and ive been trying to mend it. This was her quinceñera which she dreamed of for a long time and begged me and my wife to be part of it. But my wife made me feel it was her or my daughter. So here we are again with this issue of bday coming up and same outcome. Its been so hard to mend things given its always so weird the few times i do hang out with her. She never wants to be part of it. Not her or her son.

ANSWER
4 years ago
I would find it weird that you wanted to go to her house on her birthday. Couldn't you take her out for dinner one night?

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REPLY
4 years ago
How is that weird?????

REPLY
4 years ago
I don't think being part of family life is necessary, but maybe a monthly dinner date?

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4 years ago
I agree, why does an ex-stepfather think it is necessary to turn up at family birthday parties? There are many biological fathers who would celebrate separately, so why can’t he? I can definitely understand why the wife is upset by him wanting to go to events held by his ex-wife. It’s not like it is a little kids 5th birthday where they are desperate for mum and dad to both be there. She is mature enough to understand that after a divorce, celebrations are different and often seperate.

REPLY
4 years ago
This bloke has been part of her life during crucial years of her upbringing so no doubt has a father daughter relationship with her

REPLY
4 years ago
Why is it necessary to turn up to family parties? Umm, maybe because he loves her and they are close. He raised her. I think it’s perfectly normal to want to attend a loved ones birthday on their birthday. I don’t get why people think it’s weird.

ANSWER
4 years ago
Your wife sounds horrid!!! Ditch her

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REPLY
4 years ago
She is his wife, not his new girlfriend. You don’t ditch your wife because she is forgetful (purposefully or not) of your teenage ex stepdaughters birthdays that happens to fall close to yours (which she is probably more concerned about celebrating). Everyone seems to think that the minute someone is a bit human or isn’t perfect, it is time to call for divorce🙄

REPLY
4 years ago
I agree with your last bit. So many people respond with divorce him/her. Over reaction much.

ANSWER
4 years ago
I think you see that your wife is doing this on purpose. I think it’s terrible that you’ve let her get away with this rubbish for so long. Sort it out & put your foot down before it’s too late with your step daughter. You will lose her! I’m not thinking much of your wife.

ANSWER
4 years ago
Go and celebrate your step daughters birthday. Your wife will be upset & you will lose whatever money she had paid out. But I’m sure in time she will get over it.
Your relationship with your step daughter is also important. Unless you stand up & show your wife what she means to you, then your wife will always book things that are “non-refundable” on your step daughters birthday to make you feel guilty. If you wish to be able to celebrate her birthday now & in the future, you need to say no to your wife & go & see your step daughter.

ANSWER
4 years ago
I would definitely celebrate with step daughter! Tell you wife that your step daughter’s birthday is the same time every year and it’s not that hard to remember considering she did the same thing last year!
You have raised this girl from 4years old, seems like you are her only father figure, would your wife do this if it was your bio child?
I also don’t believe the plans are not Refundable considering most things you book lately are due to covid

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REPLY
4 years ago
Not true, I’ve had more than one accomodation booking that was non- refundable during Covid. Hotels and other venues can’t just keep wearing the cancellations or they’ll go broke.

REPLY
4 years ago
Why can’t they celebrate on a different day? The wife has even offered to do so and call and smooth things over so the big man baby doesn’t have to do it.....

ANSWER
4 years ago
Is there a reason you didn’t adopt her, since you really consider her to be yours? You would at least have rights to custody then, and be able to have seperate family time for celebrations of birthdays etc. and your wife might understand why you feel the need to put your 17 year old ex-step daughter before her and your current family. If you truly consider her to be yours, do you pay child support? All the women here telling you to ignore your wife and go to the birthday party don’t have a stake in the well-being of your marriage. I doubt your ex step daughter and her family are going to be there for you in the event of a divorce, but I’m sure they have no problem guilting you into making your family unhappy for the sake of what they want you to do.

ANSWER
4 years ago
Get rid of the wife she is too selfish

ANSWER
4 years ago
What an insecure woman, threatened by a child.

You’re the adult, you need to do what is right by the child. Your wife is being manipulative and disrespectful. She needs to get to know the step daughter, not dismiss her.

ANSWER
4 years ago
Wow!. I don't understand why you're letting her manipulate you. This is wrong on so many levels, and I for one could not trust a person like that.... enough to stay married to them. You noted that she would never do this to her own son, so I don't think it's just an oversight... True evil step mother.

ANSWER
4 years ago
I'd be more concerned that I married someone that was so munipluative & calculating. If she's like this with this one subject imagine what she been up to that you weren't aware of. I'd be looking at her differently if I were you. You could choose to get her the benefit of the doubt this time but make very very clear that next year her 18th will be about her and you will not be compromising. It's time to put your foot down because she's running circles around you.

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REPLY
4 years ago
*give her the benefit of the doubt- I need my big cup of super strong tea.