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When is enough, enough?

Answered 1 month ago

Partner & I have been together for 6 months. We usually get along great. He admits he can drink excessively. When he does, he can say awful things & he cannot be reasoned with.

Last night he was a bit drunk & said something that made me feel disrespected. I raised it & it just turned into an argument with him eventually shouting ‘f**k off then’ to which I packed my bag & went home…this was at 1am.

This is the 3rd time he has said that to me whilst arguing, each time he’s been intoxicated. I like to leave when things escalate this much as we get nowhere & I feel it’s better to discuss things when the heat is gone. He claims I run away & won’t deal with things.

He has apologised but says that they’re just words & didn’t mean anything by them. He thinks I should just move on. I know he meant nothing by it but can’t help but feel so disrespected. I would never say that to somebody I love.

He thinks his actions show more than words. I agree too but I feel so sad. I’m a big believer that the behaviour you tolerate only teaches people that’s how they should treat you.

I guess I’d like some impartial support. All my friends will just side with me which I disagree with.

NB. We haven’t had a chance to discuss it in person yet for a myriad of reasons.

I do love him but have a strong sense of self respect & I’m unsure if I’m doing myself a disservice.

Without alcohol, he’s a wonderful, thoughtful, giving person.

Thanks for reading & please be kind.


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ANSWER
1 month ago
Hey
So you mentioned his drinking. Do you drink/get drunk at all? I only ask because I know if I drink I can definitely become very rude to my partner. We both drink and to blame just him if we have an argument while drinking is not fair.
Nearly everyone thinks they are right if there is an argument.
What exactly did he say that made you feel disrespected? (Before the fuck off comment - which is really awful)
If you are sober, and know that he acts in this manner when drunk then why bring it up in the moment?
You said you rather leave when things are bad. Unless you were also intoxicated which affects your reasoning then why not just leave him/it alone in that moment and create space from him (go to bed or read a book etc) and bring it up while he is sober and able to be reasoned with.
He will be far more likely to be receptive to your feelings about his actions in a sober state.
I don't think what is happening now is enough to leave.
I think the thing that makes his actions a reason to leave would be if he does not respond to you when you address him about your feelings at an appropriate time (not while drinking)
If he doesn't see it or attempt any change at all after you expressing your concerns at a considerate time then perhaps I'd think differently.
There is no perfect relationship. I hope you two can find some happiness and peace together.

ANSWER
1 month ago
You are worth so much! Please don’t stay with someone who doesn’t respect you.

ANSWER
2 months ago
and you're only 6 months in?! No babe. Move on - you can do better than that.

ANSWER
2 months ago
In the kindest of ways… Fuck him off

ANSWER
2 months ago
Sorry lovely but you don't deserve that. I guessing you don't have children yet? If not maybe in the future think about this.. Do you want them to hear you being spoken to like that? Or worse still be treated like that?
Maybe he needs help with the drinking problem. If he doesn't and it's a regular thing he'll break that self esteem you have. Walk away now while you're strong enough. You deserve better x

ANSWER
2 months ago
Hmmm this is young relationship if he can't treat you right now it's only going to get worse later. Show him where the door is. You can do better. You deserve better. Who does he think he is seriously, does he think he's soooo wonderful that you'll just put up with that. Show him you're worth more than that behavior.

ANSWER
2 months ago
Leave him

ANSWER
2 months ago
I think you should seriously consider leaving this relationship. You are worth more and deserve to be respected.

ANSWER
2 months ago
Six months and it’s happened three times? No way. Should still be honeymoon phase - this is going to get a lot worse.

ANSWER
2 months ago
He thinks actions speak louder than words? His actions are to get so drunk he tells you to fuck off. On multiple occasions. Get out before it escalates.

ANSWER
2 months ago
Oh honey if a grown man can’t handle his alcohol and gaslights your reactions to his drunken abuse, let him know your terms for continuing the relationship. If he cannot meet your basic needs, best to find someone who aligns with your core values and won’t subject you to this behaviour.

ANSWER
2 months ago
It's only been 6 months. Cut your ties and don't go back.