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Help! Can someone help me approach this tactfully?
Answered 4 years ago
Long story short, my dad lives with us, he has a number of health problems, was only meant to be for a few weeks but going on about 5 months now..
He helps financially occasionally but otherwise does nothing around the house, at all.
But my biggest issue is how he speaks to the kids, he doesn't spend any time with them and constantly responds to anything they say to him with smart arse comments, a number of which are to old for them or inappropriate. Always complains about them especially if they are watching tv/playing the game.
I'm not sure how to approach it as if I pull him up on anything he will really take it to heart and go into a mood for a few days and won't speak to me, or worse case will pack up and go live the only place he can which is unsuitable. My partner is really getting over it, i don't blame him. Feel horrible because my little boy looks to be a bit scared of him, does anyone have any ideas cause I am torn being in the middle?? Want to resolve before it blows up
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ANSWER
4 years ago
Kick him out
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4 years ago
I can't, he is technically homeless and we have been trying to get him accommodation. He is disabled with a terminal illness
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4 years ago
Then you need to tell him that he lives under your roof and you no longer live under his. He follows your rules or he can find a less-than-desirable alternative and fend for himself. Not to mention, pay his own way for everything.
Time to decide who is more important to defend, love.
Time to decide who is more important to defend, love.
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4 years ago
How old are your kids?
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4 years ago
6,8,9
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4 years ago
I think your kids (esp the 2 older ones) are old enough to understand that grandpa doesn't mean these things and this is what happens to some people as they got older or sick ♥️
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4 years ago
Thank you, I'm hoping so!
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4 years ago
^Don't underestimate your kids. When my dd was 8 she lost her best friend in a car accident and at 9 lost 2 grandparents (my folks) She's now 13 and she lost another grandparent nearly 2yrs ago. Too much for a child to deal with but we got through it all. We did alot of talking and there were hundreds of questions but the answers were always open and honest. Having said that, you know your kids better than anyone so you need to decide when or if the time is right to talk about any of it 💜
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4 years ago
^Sorry I rambled on but my point was to not underestimate them 😂😉
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4 years ago
Thank you, I'm sorry your daughter and family have had to go through what would of been a tough few years, you sound like you have done an amazing job 💜
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4 years ago
I try. Good luck with you and yours x
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4 years ago
Make "Dad, that's not appropriate" your new favourite saying. It's not rude to say it, and the kids will also hear that what he is saying is not allowed. Then you can have a little discussion with your kids afterwards as to why it was not appropriate and why you don't speak that way in your house. Teach the kids to say it to him too.
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4 years ago
I would stand up for the kids. Straight out tell your dad not to speak to them like that as soon as he says it. And say it so your kid can hear you standing up for him. You don’t have to have a huge fight about it, just call him out everytime. If he doesn’t change then tell him he upsets the kids so much that he has to leave. Tell him you love him but you can’t bear to see your kids upset anymore. My mum used to do this to my kids. When they were little they’d believe the things she said and I’d get so upset. Now they are teenagers and know she’s full of shit. It’s her fault they don’t want to spend lots of time with her now.
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4 years ago
This could be my story. No mum, grumpy old man, shit childhood. Look, after my mum died my dad lived with me for a few months before passing away. It wasn't easy but at the end of the day, he was my dad and my kids grandad. I don't think talking to him will work as he's probably set in his ways and some people tend to be worse when entering their end of life phase. I would seriously consider seeing a therapist. Having a go at him or letting your kids see it is not the way to go and it won't help the situation or benefit anyone. A therapist may give you ideas and the tools to handle this with his dignity and your sanity intact. I'm glad I had time with my dad before he died. You don't ever want to live with the guilt of could have would have should have. All the best babe 💜
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4 years ago
Thank you I really appreciate this response. I do worry as he has a terminal illness so I don't want to hurt him and have a falling out when I don't know how much longer I have got with him.. I just feel very in the middle, I will see who I can speak to for some more advice today
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4 years ago
💕 Hugs to you and the fam xx
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4 years ago
You're choosing the comfort of your emotionally abusive father over the comfort of your entire nuclear family, probably because he's conditioned you do to that since you were a child yourself. Upset him, let him throw a tantrum and leave, he's a grown up, your loyalty is to your children.
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4 years ago
He’s a joker not abusive
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4 years ago
..... his jokes are emotionally abusive
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4 years ago
I have to agree. I think just let him know that his jokes are a little old for the kids as you said, and that they don’t understand them.. and interpret them to be mean and rude which they don’t get, coming from their grandfather. To be honest, I think it is something you might have to accept as the norm with him though.. he won’t change in this environment. You could also broach it from the angle of asking him if everything is alright, and trying to get through to him this way...that the kids are confused he is acting and just want to have a supportive comment..in my opinions in regards to the screen time.. grandparents are to enjoy kids, not to parent..that’s something he has to get used to...but again you could ask how his parents were to his parenting..getting them in the reflective mood is sometimes quite effective x
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4 years ago
Thank you, he is going through a lot which does make it hard, and we were speaking over the weekend and I would love for my kids to have the childhood he did but the world has changed a lot, I can't send my young kids off to play by themselves and not expect them home til dinner, which he agreed with me about.. and he acknowledges that his getting older and grumpier, whilst complaining that the games kids play are horrible (a racing game?)
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4 years ago
I understand that would be hard but you need to put your partner and children first. If your dad is unwell can he go into a home? Take him to a doctor/hospital and say he needs somewhere to go. This won't end well for you if you keep allowing him to stay there. Good luck xx
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4 years ago
For an example last night the kids said they went to a jetty and it was empty
His reply was "yeah they knew you were coming so they all jumped off to get away from you"
Or jokes about them not having friends or smelling bad, or being ugly. Or like previously said some jokes have a sexually inappropriate innuendo.
It's putting a big strain on the house hold. I'm about to snap, I wouldn't let anyone else treat my kids this way, I need to find a delicate way to stop it or I will be the worst person in the world.
His reply was "yeah they knew you were coming so they all jumped off to get away from you"
Or jokes about them not having friends or smelling bad, or being ugly. Or like previously said some jokes have a sexually inappropriate innuendo.
It's putting a big strain on the house hold. I'm about to snap, I wouldn't let anyone else treat my kids this way, I need to find a delicate way to stop it or I will be the worst person in the world.
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4 years ago
What are the sexual innuendos?
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4 years ago
See a counsellor
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4 years ago
Thank you I think I might call and speak to someone this arvo
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4 years ago
Where’s your mum ?
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4 years ago
Don't have one
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4 years ago
Stop being afraid to offend a man that is offending your child.. not only is your son going to remember his grandpa being an awful person but he's going to remember that no one stood up for him. How sad.
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4 years ago
This is how he was when I was growing up too. I feel heart broken cause I can see the difference with how they are with their other grandparents.
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4 years ago
And my son does talk to me about it. We are spending a lot of time out of the house or doing our own things together in another part of the house