View other questions

SS telling BS to BioMum on phone calls

Answered 1 year ago

So I caught my step son lying to bio mum today. On phone of course, squirrelled away in his room but open window and I over heard when taking out the trash. SS is 12. Bio mum is combative and extremely difficult. She has cut off any communication from kids to Dad whilst they are with her.
SS approached Dad saying he asked to call and Mum said no on multiple occasions. SS was upset by this. Didn’t want dad to be upset. Dad said wasn’t upset. That was the extent of the convo.

We allow kids to call whenever, usually one or two times a day. I think it’s a bit much and she pushes them to call and baits them on the phone to find out about what’s happening here. I have better things to do than care and I love my life so if that’s how she wants to fill her phone calls with her children then so be it. No skeletons in our closet. Kids very well looked after and I thought we all got on fine.

So SS said to bio mum “told dad why you wouldn’t let us call and he was so sad I’ve never seen him like that and he said he had no idea about it ... “ mum - “I sent him an email” SS - “she (step mum) deleted it”

None of what SS described happened. Bio mum knows Dad got the email but instead of saying so let him continue to perpetuate the lie.

Look it’s not the first time. Kids tell tales, I get it.
I’ve been mulling it over and I really don’t know if I want it addressed or not. Hubby knows and has left it up to me about how we should proceed. Is worried about the blatant lie telling but we both believe bio mum feeds both kids this rubbish and so they are just parroting what they need to hear. Both of us already deal with enough bio mum drama without penning another email about how this sort of garbage is just setting up the kids to fail and get into trouble.

What would you do?


Have an answer?

We have held the answer in moderation, and will make it available shortly.
2000 characters left.

Answers

An unexpected error has occurred, please try again shortly.
ANSWER
1 year ago
Honestly, it sounds like the child is being manipulative as much as the mother. Set boundaries, 12 is well old enough to know what he is doing and the shit show that unfolds. Mum is probably talking shit to him and he is believing it. This is NOT up to you to delegate or work through.
The whole situation sounds like the kids need some more 1 on 1 time with their father. I'm sorry, you are NOT the issue, the mother is but you need to know your place, obviously the kids weren't quite prepared to share dad. Please don't take this as a personal dig. I have 4 step children and have had issues over the years but it all seemed to boil down to lack of personal time with dad. We all have a great time together but the kids just want some dad time without my and my kids involved.
Hope this all made sense.

ANSWER
1 year ago
So biomum never responded to email but sent a seperate email saying she wants to go back to mediation. Hubby has done that twice and both times she has walked out after multiple sessions when she was told by mediator she was being unreasonable and realised she was not going to get what she wants - whatever that is. So hubby politely declined.
We are going to continue along the path set out in the parenting plan. Neither of us have a problem with daily phone calls providing they are appropriate and aren’t just a negative interference causing issues for the kids and contributing to other behaviours like lying and smart mouth. App is on the phone to record conversations between biomum and step kids but the feeling from both of us is that providing the calls are taken in a central place in the house where they are more accountable for what they are sharing, their behaviour remains good and we aren’t getting any dodgy feedback from the kids about biomum, we will leave the listening in unless it’s absolutely necessary. The sound of her voice is like nails down a blackboard for me.
But the kids seem to be great and have taken on board what we spoke about. So we will go from there.

Replies

REPLY
1 year ago
Awesome go you! Good luck

ANSWER
1 year ago
In my house lying is unacceptable. I know from seeing parents respond to their child lying, that it is acceptable in other houses. I would personally express to child how wrong it is, and focus on that.. kids tell tales but should know it is wrong and dangerous. I'm a strict parent but the other extreme is so drama causing as you're experiencing

Replies

REPLY
1 year ago
I am a strict parent with my own kids but they are my hubby’s kids from previous marriage and I try, as much as possible, to let him parent them and have the important discussions or if it involves family dynamics like this did we do it together as a united front but he will still take the lead where it concerns his kids specifically. Family dynamics on blended families are a minefield especially when the biomum is extremely negative about me the step mum and has been actively saying to the kids for several years now that it my fault every time something changes or goes wrong. It’s not - all the major changes we have made have largely been due to her behaviour and is trying to lessen the impact on the kids in general ie public pick ups to lessen negative confrontation and verbal abuse & no face to face contact on pick ups because of the accusations and lies she tells - he always wants to have a written document to deal with and produce if we go back to court.

It’s long and energy draining and it is never ending but it’s worth it so hubby can see his kids who are actually fabulous little people.

It’s been addressed and I really only had to say that it’s important they listen to dad (because ss was stuffing around being silly and disrespectful) and remind them both they are getting older and are not toddlers because we loved having them around and when adults are told the wrong thing it’s creates drama and confusion about what is happening and can have consequences like them not being able to come as much. The rest hubby handled like a champion!

ANSWER
1 year ago
This needs to be taken to a court level. Speaking from a legal aspect. Children are not required to do this in another parents time. Dads time is not her business and child has a right to a relationship and time free from maternal interference and manipulation. If you have an android phone download ACR call recorder or start recording this is what you do without anyone knowing. Express via email this is paper trail... the beginning


Good morning (mum),

It has been bothersome for some time the extent of interference and stress you place on the children whilst in my care. The children should not have to phone you daily or in saying that multiple times a day.

I don’t appreciate your running down of myself and my wife to the children. The children only stay for (amount of time) days. This is unfair for the children to not be able to have a relationship with me free from your interference. I would hope you appreciate the phone calls and your interrogation of our child is not what is viewed by the courts as in his best interest and nor are the remarks made to him by you. Please cease this immediately or legal action will be commenced.

Kind regards

(Dad)

I see this every day in court so recording the calls is your first option begin building your case. Get a diary etc or drag her to court. In my experience parental alienation and interference in any case I’ve witnessed as a lawyer has NEVER ended well.

I would get a few calls under belt, send letter of notice etc then apply to federal circuit court (family).

Sorry for messy reply just woke up. Hope this helps a little can reply later if you have any further questions. Wish I could post links to you that were helpful but keeps saying not allowed 🤬

Replies

REPLY
1 year ago
Even better if no court orders in place... if not let me know and I can give you an alternative

REPLY
1 year ago
There is a parenting plan but no court orders.
Hubby spoke to SS and SD and sent email very similar to above but a bit more lengthy.
Bio Mum manipulation continued tonight. Kids have been asked to take calls in lounge and no be squirrelled away in bedroom. She has received email but not returned a reply but obviously questioned SS because his conversation was broken, cagey and not like his usual self - yes, no and odd stuff like “that’s a good question??? when he didn’t want to answer directly or more information.

Disappointing on so many levels. Will see how it goes and will let you know. At the moment feeling sorry for kids.

REPLY
1 year ago
Just a heads up its very illegal to record phone calls without consent and it won't be admissible in court

REPLY
1 year ago
That is incorrect you can now record calls and it is admissible to court in Australia. As long as it recorded in a certain manner.

REPLY
1 year ago
When a conversation has been recorded, whether lawfully or not, it is generally an offence to publish or share the conversation to a third party. There are exceptions to this general rule.

It is not an offence to publish or share a conversation recorded on a listening device in Queensland if the publication was:

Made during legal proceedings;
Reasonably necessary for the interests of the public;
Reasonably necessary to protect the person’s lawful interests; or
Made to a person who the publisher believes has an interest which makes disclosure reasonable.

REPLY
1 year ago
So in this state it is unlawful to record people without their knowledge however there are provisions made under family law to have it used solely for those purposes in some cases.
They need to be generally unprompted, unprovoked recordings and you still need to have a hearing to discuss their use as evidence so it’s not a given.

Kids go back to their BioMums today for three nights so we will see. They have been great all day. Have asked for extra time to come over and watch footy Friday night with us - they said biomum said they could. So we will see how it plays out. She had not sent a return email and she is also pretty predictable. Kids will get home to negative nancy and then we will get a rebuttal email not acknowledging what’s happened but basically saying “but you do this this and this and suddenly the kids will be ‘unhappy and uncomfortable’ and she will say they don’t want to come Friday now”. We have them according to PP Thursday night and all day Friday anyway so she may even try and say they don’t want to come then either. Then she will cut off all contact to kids so we won’t be able to speak to them.

She has pulled all this before sadly.
It’s worth noting the conversation we had with the kids was actually positive and they have been great since. No issues with them at all so I will be pissed if they go home and she tries to ruin that with her bs.

ANSWER
1 year ago
No calls furing access. Talk to SS and SD anout lies and boundaries. Aka what happens at your house is not mums business
.