Ask SAHM is a place where you can ask our staff & community a question safely & anonymously. Please read our disclaimer.

Is it worth ending it over this?

So my partner and I have been living together for nearly 3 years and I told him from the beginning the only thing I ask is he doesn't lie to me. About anything. Anyway tonight he gets a message late at night and I see the first name but not the last. I ask him who it was and he says a completely different name and turns his phone away from me, and now can't understand why I'm so upset. I know who it was and she is one of those girls "who's like a sister" and is actually the sister of one of his best mates. At least thats what he claims, but if it's not a big deal why lie to me? Now I'm second guessing everything he's ever said and I'm mentally trying to figure out how to pack and get out tomorrow as its super late right now so I can't really go anywhere tonight. Am I over reacting? Like I said it's the 1 thing I've asked right from the beginning, so why do it? I can't stand people who lie


Got an Answer?

Answers (13)

All men are bastards, even the good ones.

 I second this
helpful (1) 
 I disagree
helpful (1) 
helpful (1) 
OP Yup. I give up with men. Just going to be a lesbian now lol.
helpful (1) 
 Oh don't you sound all bitter and twisted.
My man is amazing. I actually gave up on men becsuse there would never be one who checked all the boxes. Until my man came along. Dreams do come true ladies.
But now I feel sorry for every woman in the world because you missed out.
The prize is all mine, forever ❤

helpful (3) 

Get out!! I have also been cheated on and have had the same happen to me with my husband i packed up his stuff and told him to take it with him when he leaves to go to work. He literally was on his knees telling me the full story in tears the next moening. He knows now never to hide anything again or his out even if hes innocent!!!

 Dont you leave your house with your kids kick him out!!!
helpful (0) 
OP The house is all in his name so I don't have the option of kicking him out. I'm currently trying to plan how to get out without it being too traumatic on the kids. I don't even know who to turn to for help right now because everyone will just want me to go at it as quickly as possible which is just going to set us off in an argument
helpful (0) 
 You have been with him for more than 2 years, so by law as de-facto you are BOTH entitled to half each others assets. Get legal advice pronto. (That includes house, all property, superannuation).
Get details of where his super is, if you can, and bank accounts, mortgage etc
It can be a bit of a battle, but you have contributed to what you both have.

helpful (2) 

I think your over-reacting as you don’t have much information. Try communicate with him when your calmer. It sounds like you just want an out and this is it. Like you’ve been just waiting for the penny to drop. Maybe he is cheating, maybe not. But how will you ever know if you can’t even have a conversation about it? Maybe think about couples counselling, or even individual as you clearly have trust issues (rightly so) - 3 years is a long time to walk away from, it’s not just adults in this relationship. As an aside, if you do end up leaving, I would think that you would have some sort of contact rights to his kids and vice versus. Good luck, it’s a tough path to walk.

Can you message this girl on Facebook and ask her straight out what is going on?

OP No she'd be just as likely to lie as he is. I can't be bothered caring anymore. He begged me to give him a chance and put trust in him when I was closed off and didn't want to trust anyone ever again and he's broken it, I'm not wasting anymore energy on him. Like I said, I can pretend to be happy so I can see the kids for one more Christmas and then I'm leaving the next night he spends away. I don't want part of the house, I don't want any of his crap, he can keep everything we've bought together, I just want mine and my kids stuff and to get away from lying, cheating pieces of shit.
helpful (1) 

With the issue of the storage shed, you could get another, pay for it for a month, while you get his stuff moved into it, and then it will be up to him to pay for it ongoing. Don't sign any lease for it, so you don't have any liability.

Have you considered opening the relationship? That way he doesn’t have to lie about being non monogamous and you can keep the family together.

OP I bought this up about 6 months ago or so (just in conversation, not as a suggestion) and he carried on that it may as well be cheating and cheating is only what scum bags do. I've said in another comment we don't actually have kids together. Our kids just get along really well and because neither mine or his kids see their other parents we just have our little family and that's how we've been for the last 3 years so it's going to be tough on them. Sorry if that makes no sense. It's 3am here and I'm tired and my brain is all scattered
helpful (0) 
 I went through the exact same thing with my hubby. I suspected something suss was going on there was so intimacy between us and I didn’t want to break up our family because I wasn’t getting affection from him. I tried everything. I suggested an open marriage as the lack of affection was really damaging my self worth and he was dead set against it. Several years later I ended up in an affair. We know have a ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ thing going on and we are both much happier.
helpful (0) 

Darling I think you already know the answer to this. Best of luck x

Please give us an update when you can x

OP He deleted the messages then expected me to just believe what he told me was in them (fat chance after he already lied) and then was messaging her again yesterday (doesn't know I know this) so I'm currently trying to figure out how to get out. I've already got a storage shed from when we moved in together so I'm thinking if I can slowly move boxes of stuff in to it and when he goes away for his next boys night I'll only have a couple of ute loads left. He very possessive and there's no way he is going to let me leave with all my stuff so I have just decided I'll get out what I can and cut my losses with the rest. The hardest part is going to be getting his stuff out without him catching on. Wish me luck 🙏
helpful (2) 
OP I just read that where I've said getting his stuff out and I was meant to say "get his stuff out of the storage shed and back in to the house with out him noticing." That sounds like I want his crap too and that's just a huge hell no lol
helpful (1) 
 Good plan. You might be able to stock pile some pantry basics & money if you can. Also, his 'boys night out' might not actually be with the boys ........
helpful (0) 
OP Yup I think I've decided just after christmas time. I can pretend to be happy, that will give me time to get my ducks in a row and get out. I'll be moving back in to my parents place if I can't get a house, and they've already said they're happy to have us if we need it. I figure Christmas because I want one last one with all the kids. We don't have any together, but our kids are extremely close and I can't bring myself to tear them apart before then and be sad and miss each other on the day. I'm not in any danger so I can deal with it. The biggest thing will have to be getting money together. And I'm not worried about the boys nights, they go out hunting and I get like a million photos of what they're doing and how many they've got so I'm not worried there. At this point I don't feel like he's cheating, at least not physically, I just can't deal with the fact that he lied to me and is he maybe too attached to this chick and could it lead to something. Just getting out before it does.
helpful (1) 

He’s hiding something 100%
My husband was seeing a good friend of mine and had her name saved as a blokes name is his phone. Piece of shit, the both of them.
Run babe, get the f**k outta there while you can

Hes hiding something for him to lie and hide it from you. Try to look at his phone

Shit babe. I don't think you're overreacting but Don't pack up and leave just yet. You need to talk and give him the opportunity to come clean. Good luck x

OP He's just gone and slept on the lounge without even trying to come clean or explain or anything when I asked him why he lied to me. I am shaking and can't even seem to cry I'm that upset. I don't know what to do. He knows that my ex cheated on me and I seriously have some major trust issues over that and I have tried so hard with him and to find out now that he can lie to my face that easily seriously has thrown me. So many promises that he would never lie and promises that he would help me through what my ex did to me and just last weekend we had an argument over the kids and I went to leave and he begged me to stay, all for this to happen now. I know it may seem like such a minor thing to a normal person, but for me it's a major violation of my trust and I'm so confused
helpful (0) 
 I changed my mind. Pack Ur bags and leave babe. Give yourself a chance to meet someone who will know they're lucky to have you ♥️
helpful (3) 

I personally would have grabbed his phone, checked and caused a scene 🙈

OP I didn't even think of that, I was just too shocked that he'd actually just so casually lied to my face like that. I'm half tempted to go and do it now except he's probably deleted it by now
helpful (1)