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I made the mistake of getting drunk and sleeping with someone. Ill never do that again, but should I confess to my fiancé?

I’ve been with my fiancé for 3 years and lived together for 2. Just last month he proposed. We don’t have any issues. We play, tease, communicate with each other. We are so happy. But the other night while he was away for work, I was out with my friends and I got really drunk. A guy I’ve spelt with 7 years ago (married with kids) kept buying me drinks and kept insinuating to have one last f**k before I get married. And that’s it’s better to do it now than to cheat when I’m married. I was so incredibly drunk. Even the night was a blur, all I know is I caved and I did sleep with him. I’ve never been possessed to cheat on him or the thought never has crossed my mind. It just happened. I don’t want to lose my fiancé. He is the love of my life and I realize that even more now. I’m kind of thankful for the learning experience because I know I’d never do this to him when we’re married. And I know I’m going to treat him like the king he is. My question is do I just take this to the grave and never tell him or do I need to confess? I’ve already scheduled a therapist but I just really can’t live with the fact hurting him more, it will tear him apart. It will literally break him. Any advice would be amazing. Thank

Ps. I know the other person won’t saw anything because 7 years ago when I slept with him when I was in college. He was married and had just one child. He has kept that a secret all this time.

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Answers (16)

Think honestly about why you want to tell him. You may relive your guilt, but it'll put him in a great deal of hurt & pain. This is something he'll NEVER get over or forget, your relationship will NEVER be the same.

I say this as a loving devoted caring & supportive wife, who's husband had an affair. I wish he never told me. He wasn't prepared to do the work to fix our marriage & reconcile properly. It's left me devastated, 6 years on.

Get tested & shut up, you've learned your lesson. it's your burden to live with the guilt & take the secret to the grave. Be the best wife you can be.

 I am also the wife of a husband who cheated and disagree with this response. I think the person who was cheated on deserves to know. They are making life decisions based on things they think are true rather than the actual truth. He should have the choice of working through it and staying together or leaving. The OP chose to sleep with someone else - drunk or not, it's no excuse and there are consequences. You cant have your cake and eat it too. If the OP really was committed to her fiance, she wouldn't have done it or wouldn't have let the situation develop to that point. We all know when these situations start to cross a line, it can be stopped before things go too far. The truth almost always comes out. This guy and his wife may eventually split, she may find out and tell. He may tell figuring he has nothing left to lose, Op may not be able to live with the guilt and eventually confess. If this all comes out 10 years down the track when there are kids, it will be so much messier
helpful (3) 
 messier and even more hurtful and a lot harder to recover from. Not only has the OP cheated, they have lied and kept important secret/information from their partner. I've also been drunk and had a married man want to sleep with me. I still chose to be loyal to my husband and to myself - despite being drunk and despite my husband having cheated on me.
helpful (1) 
 Yes but every situation is different. From ops situation I would also agree with the initial response personally(objectively). Clearly this person had a strong agenda to pursue her, and that's them bring very selfish and using probably all his knowledge of her to manipulate her.
helpful (4) 
 No excuses for cheating. He's married - they both knew that. She's engaged - they both knew that. Can't blame booze or 'manipulation'. If she really didn't want to sleep with him, she wouldn't have. It was her responibility to be faithful and she chose not to be. I had a friend - a good friends husband who wanted me to sleep with him. On 2 occassions we ended up alone and drunk, him cracking onto me, flirting, he even groped me several times and practically begged me for sex etc I knocked him back both times. Not worth destroying 2 marriages and families over a quick drunken romp
helpful (1) 
 Yes but again you are using your situation to justify all situations. I really mean no disrespect but every situation is different. To you cheating while intoxicated and under the influence is they same, as full cheating at the strip club. These situations are different in my opinion(which is different yours I get it). You have the married story, she has the history ex. I don’t know the solution for this person or her partner, but life is not black and white, it never was and never will be.
helpful (1) 
 Ps your last sentence- not Worth destroying two marriages over a quick romp...yes I guess we agree there, it isn’t.
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Whether you're married or not is irrelevant.
You are in a committed relationship. Be honest.

Wow so you slept with a married man twice? You gave no thought to his wife or children? Hmmm I think you reap what you sow on this one.

 She knows a woman knows when he man is cheating. If she doesnt she is in denial or very ignorant.
helpful (0) 
 Doesn't make it right
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If you tell him you will either break up or relationship will never be the same. Live with the guilt. Also get an sti test. The guy you slept with sounds like a sleazy serial cheater. If you can’t keep your pants on, don’t get drunk in future.

Eew. You don't remember much but know you slept with him? Do you know if you used protection? Do you know if old mate had a giant herpe hanging off his lip? Do you know if he took photos?
Look, you made a very big mistake here. As tempting as it is to keep it a secret, you owe the truth to your FIANCÉ. You also owe him your loyalty, but that ship has sailed, so at least give him the truth.
Maybe he slipped something in your drink. Maybe he blew his load inside and you and you're currently up the duff or have some disease.

In my opinion, you have no right to let him base a major life decision off false pretenses. He deserves the right to know and make his own choice regardless of how painful it is to you. He may choose to forgive and forget, or he may end the relationship. Ultimately we are the masters of our destination but for you to withold vital information that may change his actions; you are manipulating him through deception. We only get one shot at this life and for you to let him make his based on lies is plain cruel and you are witholding his right to make an informed choice. I don't understand how people can do that to someone they profess to love. To me that is far from love; it is manipulation for your own gain. Because you don't want to risk him choosing not to be with you due to your own actions. None of us are perfect, but you can learn from your mistakes. And that may even mean you do not end up staying with the person you are currently with.

 Couldn't agree more with this response. Absolutely perfect wording. It's exactly what I was trying to say in my response.
helpful (1) 

Just keep it to yourself and move forward with your life. You are still single and your intimate life is your own. If you think you are not ready to commit banish those thoughts and simply put your mind to it.

 What do you mean she is single? She's engaged.
helpful (3) 
 Being engaged love is single. You can be engaged 50 times and never marry. Your status is single. Think about it.
helpful (2) 
 You can be engaged and in a defacto relationship. That isn’t single
helpful (1) 
 Being de facto has certain financial rights but still not considered married.
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It will haunt u forever but if u tell him it will haunt him forever. Thats not fair. Don't tell him but get tested asap and stat away from that person. U did a really fecking shit thing by the way. My hsb cheated and ill never recover. Ever. I stayed but part of me hates him and always will. I will never trust him again

You have the choice to not do it, you have the choice to stop and not let him finish...

Just tell your fiancé so he can move on and get someone who loves and respects him.

Alcohol is no excuse

What a copout. I got so drunk and slept with someone else. It’s called self control. Just an excuse i think

sorry it will haunt you forever mark my words cheating even once is never worth it

 Exactly. I’ll never let myself get to that place again. This was a learning experience for me
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Why weren’t you home ?

 I went to my bosses birthday party.
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