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Sister Disaster

My sister and I were always close. I'm crushed to find out that she regularly visits with our father. He beat, molested, and raped me over the course of my entire childhood. She knows; there was a trial. That's a long story for a different post. My family seems to think I should be fine with him being around, while at the same they remain terrified of him. For some reason, he never attacked her. I would get punished for her wrongdoings. Our younger brother was beaten unconscious by him. Our mother stayed on for 20 years getting beat on. She claims to not have known the extent of my torture. Again, for another day
So my question is, am I wrong for feeling utterly betrayed and wanting to cut her out? She just had her first kid. I can't bring myself to visit for fear he might turn up. Last time he showed up anywhere in my life I went into a downward spiral losing my job and the mental stability I had worked years to get a handle on, to name just a few things.

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Answers (11)

Of course you’re not wrong. You have to protect yourself and your family. Agree with pp. Get on with your life. Maybe to help you move on you need to cut her and any family that associates with him out of your life. I’m sorry this happened to you, and that your family think you should just get over it xx

OP Thank you
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In this circumstance I would refuse to visit her or have anything to do with her until she is free from him. He is still a danger to you and your kids and you can't risk having information about you being said to him. Sadly a friend of mine was in a similar position and when he got out of jail some of his kids chose to still speak to him and told him where she lived and where her kids go to school, he rocked up in her little town one day and she was so scared. She ended up cutting out her entire family, changing her name and moving where nobody knows her.

OP My mom and brother have put an immense amount of pressure on me to reconcile. I was not talking to her at all. We've been fighting about it for the past 20 years.
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My father is a pedophile too. I would be absolutely devastated to find any of my siblings having anything to do with him. Maybe talk to her first let her know it hurts you, if she can't support you or give any "reasonable" explanation then I'd distance myself. Child abusers use the indifference of those close to them to justify, downplay or dismiss what they did to the person. I wish my father was pushed off a cliff.

OP We have talked and fought about it. She feels because he was not convicted (due to legal technicalities) he cannot be deemed guilty. She also feels not having a relationship with him would leave her with regrets because he's out father.
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Wow, that’s outrageous they would want to have anything to do with him. You might want to work on cutting them out they sound completely dysfunctional. Are sex offenders allowed near kids? I’d report him if he’s going round to your sisters with her kid. It’s revolting she’d still talk to him regularly.

OP He was not convicted due to a legal technicality. Even the judge felt he was guilty. There is a protection/no contact order in place until I consent to lifting it. He technically cannot contact my mom, siblings, or any of our future children. I should alert the police next time i know he's there.
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It's not an excuse, but sex offenders and criminals like this tend to be amazing groomers. Your sister may not be aware and he'll likely downplay the severity of what happened and place blame elsewhere.

Distance yourself. Allow yourself to feel hurt. If she values the relationship between you two she'll make the changes and never pressure you into having anything to do with him.

It sounds like an awful situation for you x

OP I'm considering presenting her with a copy of my testimony from court so she knows how dangerous he is
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Bloody hell! Definitely cut those people out of your life girlfriend. Don't let them (or anyone else) damage what you have worked so hard to repair. Walk away from your sister and any other family members that dismiss or ignore the horrific things that that man did to you. I struggle to understand why the hell your sister would want her child to be around a known child abuser!!

15 years ago my Aunty told her siblings of the sexual abuse that she had suffered from as a child from an Uncle. From that day forth, all ties were cut from that man and his family. Her siblings (as well as everyone else in our family) had her back and none of us would ever want that Man in our lives. Find people that have your back, surround yourself with those that will support and protect you!

OP Good on your family. I feel like thats the way it should go. Who would want that in their lives?
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You are right to feel the way you do. You cannot mentally afford the aggravation with what you have been through. It is not healthy. And there's only one way to protect yourself. Cut her out of your life.

OP Thank you
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As screwed as it is, I know from personally experience there is sometimes a pull to have these messed up people in our lives, just because of that family pull. Society often expects us to keep those bonds no matter what, and if your sister is someone who feel social pressure , the invisible type, then I think that’s her reason. Absolutely irrational but she didn’t have the same experience as you so she wasn’t scarred so horribly to go the other direction. I do not speak to my mum, sister and brother, they are all individually messed up, but it took me a long path to get there. They had to betray me multiple times past what a normal person would put up with, because I came from a pretty messed up family so i don’t have a high sense of what I deserve. My husband thinks all that they have done is so beyond acceptable from a family member and explains it, I totally get it, but it took me a long time to really truly get it. Now after 3years, I feel that pull every now and again but remember why I have them out. They try to contact me too, it’s crazy, so basically I understand her, but yes, your situation is hard. Just pull back from that relationship for a while to reass things, slowly distance and you’ll come up with the right answer for you soon

OP I have moved pretty far away. It helps. My mother and brother support me but also pressure me to keep my relationship with my sister. over the oast 20 years, the cost has become too great. I am terrified staying at her house because he visits her there. I'm furious that she broke her promise to not inform him about my son (she showed him photos). I just wish my mom would understand why i push my sister away
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I think it’s fair you are hurt. I would be up front say I’m not coming if he is. Or invite her to yours instead. Definitely remind her not to ever leave her kids with him ever no matter what

OP I'm at the point where I want to say, "it's me or him."
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Get on with your life

OP Thanks but between PTSD and the fact that every moment of my life is coloured by my experiences it's eaiser said than done.
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If this is real you are really stupid.
You need to piss your family off and start again.
Keep your children safe don’t tell them where you live.