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Co parenting with the other woman.

I separated from my husband a while ago, he had been having a long-term affair. I chose to turn a blind eye, we ended up having couples counseling to help us communicate and navigate our split. I was honest with him about knowing about the affair, and why I stayed and how I didn't want to change my lifestyle and not disrupting the children's lives. I did say I wanted to wait until his partner was to old to have children, before I left as I don't want my children to have half siblings. Anyway he has told her all of this, and it now looks like it will be impossible to co parent. I don't know how to get around this,and the possibility of needing a restraining order against her.


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Answers (12)

I can understand the OP not wanting her ex to have more children with somebody else. It's probably jealousy. You shouldn't have opened your mouth about it though. I would have taken that secret to the grave

"I did say I wanted to wait until his partner was to old to have children, before I left as I don't want my children to have half siblings"

That is incredible selfish

 Agree. Despite the situation, that's pretty messed up
helpful (1) 
 This has been in another post
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 Ohhhh I remember that! That was crazy
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 I actually don’t think it’s selfish at all. She’s not keeping her husband with her under duress - he could leave at any time to be with his new floozy.
I think it’s taking control of a situation that is mostly out of her control.
I think she’s smart.

helpful (3) 
 I think in many cases people stay together out of guilt.
If the other woman was as petty as she's made out to be, she couldve tried getting pregnant years ago!
Sounds like no one has control but everyone is fighting for who has the most of it

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I wish your children the very best in this messy situation.
Don't let them become pawns in your personal war.
I was a pawn in my parents marriage. The only person they hurt was me. To this day I am still in damage control.

I applaud you for being the bigger person here and wanting to make a co-parenting relationship work for your kids sake. That’s the best option for them. You won’t make her come around, she’ll have to do that by herself. I don’t blame you for comparing her to stepping in dog shit, she was with a married man with kids, there could have been more colourful words you could have used. If she is being abusive or harassing you, then you need to decide what sort of threat she is and take it from there. If you can, try to get into mediation and get them both to come along, keep it civil and be calm, think about what’s best for your kids while your in there. Hopefully that will help you to effectively co-parent. Start slowly, only communication with your ex and then if she comes around you can with her. You got this momma, just keep putting your kids first and try to let go of all the pain and anger for your own sake too.

First of all drop ”the other woman” whatever happened, happened.

There now needs to be a level of respect both ways as step mother and mother.

It's time to be mature

 Yep sounds like all the adults have to grow up. I don't think any of you sound like you're being "the bigger person".
helpful (2) 
 I am trying, I got my big girl pants out the cupboard and called the kids dad to try and sort out fathers day. I suggested his partner not attend the lunch with his family on fathers day as the boys are saying they won't go if she is there. He is going to talk to her, which means she will want to go.
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 ENCOURAGE YOUR CHILDREN TO BOND WITH HER! be an adult! Encourage them to have lunch! Calling dad saying they won't come if she's there will only push him away as he clearly loves her
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 Be firm with the kids, dad loves this new lady, which means you have to be polite, and his leaving just means that we will find a way to make a new fun exciting life even if dad's not living with us.
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 That was the plan, to be happy and get to know her and show the kids we are all just one big family. But they saw her scream abuse at me, call them irrelevant, and nearly push me over walking past me in a huff. The boys need to know they come first and I am going to respect their wishes with not seeing her for now. Once it's settled we will start again.
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 Thanks for the advice, you definitely know how to handle separations.
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Wouldn’t it be better to separate and be happy then allow this to define your life? Think of the bigger picture, not sure how old your kids are but you could downsize and share parental responsibilities, have a weekend off once a fortnight. Study, work go out with friends rediscover yourself, and then when you are ready find a man who appreciates you.

 We have separated, it was going well until this. Unfortunately the kids heard it and now know too much about dad cheating.
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 Better they know than he gets away with blaming you, which is what happened to me. One day I will tell my daughter exactly what happened.
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 So what you said something not nice when you found out he was cheating, big deal. Tell the kids you were hurt but you have moved on and you wish their dad the best. Say it like you mean it and maybe one day you will. Best of luck to you.
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Far out woman, grow up and put your kids first. This is why so many kids are fu***d up in divorce cos y’all project the anger and bitterness in failed relationships onto the kids. And involve them in adult issues;

This OP sounds like she’s got a good head on her shoulders and y’all are trying to tell her to be an asshole to her kids.
Yes WHATEVER and HOWEVER you treat your ex that’s what you do to your ex.

Op let the dust settle and attempbto have a chat with her. So your best to hold her tounge, at the end of the day what you did was spiteful and not very cool, apologise, explain you were hurt. Be the bigger person for your kids.
It’s the atmosphere they have to live in. It’s up to you to make it as harmonious as possible, even when others do wrong by it and make you work ten times harder

 I agree with you, my ex cheated but he still would see his kids, she did not want to see them or get to know them so no overnights, her choice. I was ready to meet her and work things out. They broke up but even when he meets someone else I’ll make an effort ti co parent my kids.

The most important thing in my split is the kids, their needs not mine.

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 Damn my phone is really messed up

It’s meannt to say what you do to your ex you do to your kids

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Well if you need a restraining order you need to document all abusive communication and keep any texts, emails etc.
But maybe before going down that road, you could try and meet at a public place, just you and her and air out your grievances for the sake of your children. You could explain all the reasons why you said what you did....this is you playing the higher moral ground. But do what's right for you, and shame on your dick head ex

 Thanks, I might try this when the dust settles. I really did want to take the high road, but I yelled back and compared her to stepping in dog poo.
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 Well she couldn't get lower morally.
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 I wouldn’t be explaining anything to her - she was the one who is the home wrecker. Let her be told a few home truths.
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 No I shouldn't have to explain anything to her. My exh said she has taken the deliberate part of staying together so there aren't more kids really badly, as she desperately wants a child and it's unlikely to happen. Why on earth would he tell her something like that.
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 Because you share things like that with your partner?
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My partners ex found out he was having the snip and thought it was because he just didn’t want kids with me and she was floating to the world because apparently she tried to get him to have it done before leaving him so he didn’t have more kids.

It’s me that doesn’t want more children, I told him that if that’s a deal breaker he needs to move on now.
Their son was ear wigging when we told my friend that if he didn’t get the procedure done we would have to take out a loan to buy a condom factory and it gets annoying having to grab a condom all the time. It was also said that We especially me didn’t want to have to put up with her shit and that her shit would get worse if we had a child.

Now she carries on like a pork chop and says we can’t afford condoms.

I think it was such a low act to try and get him to have the snip before leaving him that I have been tempted to start a rumour that we are trying for a baby or maybe go to coles when someone she knows is working and buy a handful of pregnancy tests just to piss her off

 I don't blame her for wanting him to get the snip
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Thanks for all the advice. I think we need to go back to counseling as someone suggested, the kids now won't speak to their dad now as before the argument they didn't know about the affair, and she made an unkind reference to the boys which my oldest understood. My husband has called and said to give her time, as she is really struggling with the possibility of not having a child, is blaming me as it's easier. I just want to laugh in her face as she really has torn this family apart. I will see if my husband will do counseling with the kids and too.

 Your HUSBAND is the person who tore your family apart. She owed no respect, love or the like to you.
You should start putting the blame in the right place.

helpful (4) 
 I blame my husband, but I have had years to get over it. It was looking like we were going to be able to co parent, we agreed on everything and how to support each other and it was going well before this set back. The kids were ok, there had been no tension, husband even came over for dinner a few nights a week and helped with homework etc so the kids still felt secure. Now the kids are refusing to see their dad on Sunday for father's day, and now I'm worried it will become a nasty split. So yes I hate the other woman for doing this. I might see if the boys will go if she isn't there.
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 As I said I blame her for making the split difficult, as her yelling and screaming did that. My husband didn't yell and make it awkward that bloody woman did, and that is what I am upset about. Perhaps if you read my response you would know that.
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Try family counseling. This will helhelp you learn to communicate regarding the children, be on the same page about your parenting plan, and smooth over some of the bigger issues between you. They'll involve the kids once the adults can be adults. This also presents a united front to the children so they will be less likely to play you against each other.
I also had to get a seperate phone to communicate with ex, and his new lady friends, and his family. This way I could control when i was available to them by shutting it off and wouldn't have to get 1000 f-you's from girlfriends thinking i force ex to prioritize our children over them, or i force him to over pay, etc. It also allows me to let ex see what his friends are saying to me about him and our children without giving him access to my personal life.

Let’s be honest, there was always a strong chance of this happening after sticking it out with that plan in mind. So now all you can do is try to make the ride easy for the kids. Keep everything calm for them. Talk to your counsellor about how to parent your way through a divorce.