Ask SAHM is a place where you can ask our staff & community a question safely & anonymously. Please read our disclaimer.

How do I move on when my husband refuses to move out of family home - six months since I've started asking for a separation.

Husband is completely passive and I can't reason with him. I am SAHM with three kids and a dog, so will find it difficult to find a rental. Decent amount of financial assests but no income.
I feel like I am suffocating. I'm so angry that I might have to displace the kids by moving them into a small rental while he sits in our large comfy house alone.
Sorry, I guess I am mostly venting. Thanks for any advice. x


Got an Answer?

Answers (36)

A friend was in your situation. She went to Centrelink and saved up the payments until she could move. She subtly made life difficult, cooked things he hated, didn't wash his clothes, had play dates when the footy was on. Just little things to make his life uncomfortable. She slowly sold lots of things on gumtree so she had money to move out.

 That’s deceitful and childish. What’s the need for games
helpful (2) 
 Probably the only way she could get out
helpful (3) 
 Sounds like a greedy c**t. Sorry, not sorry. She lied, stole and deceived. Imagine if the bloke did that, we'd fucken crucify him

helpful (2) 

If you have initiated the separation why should your husband have to be the one to leave? The children can stay in the house with him.
Not being mean but it's not fair on him to lose his wife, his children, his dog and his home all because you don't want to be with him anymore.
Seek legal advice on division of assets and don't blame him for not wanting to lose everything.
Be fair and think of the children in this instance.
Also who will be paying for the mortgage while you wait for the assets to be divided? Should he have to keep paying the mortgage and also pay rent because you don't want him in the house?
There are avenues for you to get single parenting payments so you can be self sufficient and not rely on your husband, I would certainly want to support myself if I was you.

 She is thinking of her children. You have no idea what her situation is and she wasn’t asking for your judgement. She was asking for suggestions in getting her husband out of the house.
helpful (22) 
 not helpful at all. v
helpful (6) 
 It's true. Does she expect him to pay the mortgage, and then rent, and then child support? Why don't you pack up and get a little rental / town house. That's HIS home too.
helpful (5) 
 Not that easy if she is the one doing th e bulk care of the children and also depending on their ages, then she should stay in the house. If she can get single parent payments that can help with costs.
helpful (5) 
 I was thinking exactly this. It's your choice, you should be the one leaving. How selfish of you to expect that of him. And yes I've been in a similar situation a couple of times and yes I moved out but I was lucky enough to take my kids with me thanks to women's refuge and benefits.
Maybe stay with family until you can get money (job or benefit) and a house.

helpful (6) 
 I think the point is why do we as women initiate the separation? For me, my husband repeatedly made bad decision and choices in business that financially impacted on me. I am the one that after 3 yrs of trying to fix things have decided to turn my energy to raising my my kids and not raising my husband.

Same situation- he won’t leave the house, so now, after his financial fups, I have to leave the house, get a bond deposit, kiss away the opportunity of ever owning a home - single mum, pt work paying rent !

It doesn’t matter who is the person that leaves - by that point it’s over and has been for years.

helpful (7) 
 Well what if the wife/mother has an established routine with the chidren. Going to school, after school activities homework, dinner, etc.? The husband, although goes to work everyday behaves in a way that he is off the clock when his workday finishes. He makes no contribution in the home. He makes a mess. Leaves things undone. Ignores to do lists. He is merely in the way and sucking the life out of his wife and its affecting the children. She built the home life she maintains it. Why should he get to stay? Because he earns the paycheck? Theres a reason why she doesnt want to be with him anymore. He asked for it by being inattentive and irresponsible.
helpful (11) 

My advice in this situation is both move out of home and put it on the market or rent it out and spilt the rent. Whatever u do has be fair on the children. And where the children have to live with mum in a smaller house or where they visit dad in a smaller rental. While the other parent sits in the family home sucks bloody arse for them. This isn't about you or him. It's about the kids they will be having a fair chunk of time with both of u. And the kids are most likely going to be resentful of the parent that in there eyes is coming out on top and making that other parent live in worse conditions. So I say focus on making this the best for the kids and that is both of u having to suck it up and live in small rental properties then sitting in the big family home while other parent struggles. No child will ever thank u for putting there dad out on the street. But if u are both doing it the kids are going be less resentful

I'm going through this at the moment, I have applied through the Department of Housing for a house as my husband is the only one with an income as he doesn't let me leave the house or work so I can't afford a private rental until I can get a job. I don't know if this is an option for you but there are organisations that can help you to get accommodation.

Get legal advice. I'm a family lawyer of 20 years experience. Whilst reality is you will have to sell the house in the end if you leave you probably lose some leverage on resolving this issue quickly. There are ways around this but requires strategic advice asap. Depending on your locatiOn you can not have qualify for legal aid as you are asset rich. Good lawyers volunteer at local community legal services. Start there. Also. Get counseling. It's hard emotionally on all.

 Do you have any contact information? My mum is going through the same thing right now and I want to help her find solutions.

helpful (7) 
 i don't know what kind of law you specialise in... but it's not family law. if you are the primary care giver you're entitled to a minimum of 60% of all assets. moving out of the family home means diddly squat in leverage....leverage for what exactly? the laws are clear around separation and divorce. he's forcing her hand to leave since he won't, he's also causing further disruption to the children's lives/routines by making them move. on the bright side it can make it easier to claim benefits through centrelink once you're no longer living under the same roof
helpful (1) 
 That’s rubbish. She is not automatically getting most of the assets. It also comes down to financial input of the woman! If she never contributed good luck
helpful (0) 

Everybody is a lawyer with this kind of stuff. Everyone thinks it's easy to leave. Get some legal advice and obtain insight as to what property settlement and care arrangements could look like in your circumstances. You might feel better knowing there is options. If there is a history of family violence perhaps talk to the police/family violence liaison officer. It might be an avenue for IVO/ADVO, exclusion order. If mum is the primary carer it would be preferable for dad to vacate and arrange with the bank a repayment holiday or interest only on the mortgage. That way the kids can remain in a familiar environment until property settlement and care arrangements can be sorted. In the absence of orders you can remove the kids. It is when there is no communication as to location of the kids or offering any "spend time" arrangements providing it is safe that opens you up to urgent proceedings for recovery/parenting orders etc. be informed. Get some legal and financial advice. Talk to Centrelink, talk to the bank etc.

 So you’re saying she should abuse the court system and make false allegations to get what she wants. This is why the court system is a mess
helpful (0) 

You can be separated under the one roof. You just need to have separate rooms and separate finances.

 how would finances work here??
helpful (0) 
 She is a SAHM - She doesn't have finances. He is the bread winner and if they are living together centrelink won't pay single parenting payments.
helpful (0) 

I am going through a separation right now and we are currently “separated but living under one roof.” The forms are about to be uploaded to Centrelink. This was a mutual agreement and we have spoken about how we are going to take care of the kids when I can save enough money for the kids and I to move out. There is still a lot to go through but I know the sooner the kids and I have our own place, the better things will become. It isn’t easy and there is so much to think of and negotiate but I keep thinking of the benefits for the children, including seeing and having a close relationship with their dad. In our situation it simply isn’t practical for me to stay as we are on a farm. I work full time and travel with the kids so we don’t have the time to upkeep the place. My ex works very long hours and won’t be able to be “primary carer” for the kids but I’ve always done that anyway. We have a toddler and a teen, and think this is going to work best. In terms of finances we always has things separate which makes it easy but we still need to sort things out. He only pays the rent, which is super cheap but I pay everything else and juggle it all on my wage which is half of what he makes a week. This obviously doesn’t work for me now as I have no way to move, this is another crappy thing I have to deal with but I have to do it and ask him to go halves with me in everything to enable me to save cash and have the means to move. He has offered to pay the. One and help us move which is great as neither have family around to help. I will take all of the boys belongings and my own personal things however I don’t think I will be taking anything else even though everyone reckons I’m entitled to more. We didn’t purchase anything together- he did all of the big purchases and I did the small things that aren’t really important. It will be a little rough for a bit but I will make sure the kids have their familiar things and they will have everything they need. I can make do with a mattress on the floor for a bit!
Sorry but long story short, you can make a home anywhere. The kids will be fine as long as you both are doing everything you can to work together for the kids, so visitations etc are agreed upon and stuck to.
It’s never going to be easy though but you have to get the ball rolling somehow or things will never change and your kids are going to suffer hugely from an unhappy and toxic home in the end. Best of luck.

 Sounds like you and your ex are being very mature and respectful of each other to make the best of a difficult situation. Kudos!
helpful (4) 

You need to advise centrelink that you have separated so you start receiving your own benefits. You need to speak to a solicitor to start the process of dividing your assets as if you don't, you will be responsible for the mortgage as well as your rent.

It is two years later, I wonder how you went?
I am also appalled at how many commenters decided to get angry with you and shout 'selfish!' 'want it all your own way!', 'YOU leave' etc etc. It is the family home. Of course neither person wants to leave. But if the wife has been doing everything and keeping the ship afloat alone, and the husband doing nothing exept worrying her, then why should she be forced to be the one to leave the place of safety they have known for ages.

Of course I don't know everything and there are two sides to every story, but still.

 Yep, I am with you on this.
helpful (0) 
 She states she has no income. Who's paying the bills?
helpful (2) 

What a nightmare. He has Aspergers no doubt. My useless, unemployed husband will not leave either. I pay the mortgage, all the bills and do all the child care. He is a second rate father and never puts them first. I am so frustrated, there are no words. My kids want him to leave but he doesn’t care. He is a lunatic. He just sits on his arse in front of the computer all day everyday while I do everything and he spends all my money. Gold digging scumbag. I cannot wait to be rid of the loser. You have all my sympathy and nobody understands unless you have lived it.

 How are you going with this? My partner won't leave my house, he is an alcoholic but refuses to admit it. I pay the rent, bills, everything, he spends his money on alcohol and smokes and I feel like he's only here because he's got it easy. The rental is in my name so I can't move out because he won't be able to cover rent cos he would drink away and I can't afford two rentals or to be blacklisted for non payment of rent, can't get out of my lease, just enabling him really so he can keep drinking. I hate when people say why doesn't the mother move out if it's her that wants the separation.
Sometimes it's the other person who needs to leave and you can't get rid of them! Some people are leeches

helpful (5) 
 I am in the same situation with an aspire man. My ex. I left him. Divorced him. Bought my own home. Felt sorry for him after a serious suicide attempt and let him move in. He has no job, no home, no car, no money. I own everything. How do I get him to move out. We don’t even speak.
helpful (3) 
 I hate my ex-husband that I took back in my own house. Now his unemployed children also moved in. How do I get them out. He refuses.
helpful (0) 

So why should he be the one to move? Obviously he would be paying the mortgage if you are not working. I don't always get when people expect the man to leave in today's world where alot of men care for the kids just as much as women. If you want the separation, you should be the one to leave. It's doable.

OP He also does not work.
helpful (2) 
OP And I do the childcare.
helpful (1) 
 But if you split he will quite possibly have them for a big chunk of the time. So if it's 50/50 he will be in the same predicament as the one you don't want to be in, living in a small rental while you get to sit back in that big house. But if neither of you are working maybe it's in both your best interests to sell up.
helpful (8) 
 Depends on kids ages. 50/50 is not always best. I know in my situation it would not be.
helpful (0) 
 why would you do 50/50 care with a person who clearly does not have it together?
helpful (1) 
 If neither of you work and your a fulltime SAHM why do you even have childcare?
helpful (1) 

It's only a house, people say. It is also an asset, though, too. If it is in a decent area it is something that will appreciate and set you up long term, provided it is manageable for one to pay off. My Mum fought for the family home years ago and it's a good thing she did (even though my dad left her with the mortgage..he took everything off her, she got nothing), it ended up putting her in a better financial position today as she managed to pay off the house completely on her own.

Could you try counselling, maybe he doesn't 'hear' that you are serious about a separation. A counsellor could mediate the separation, help with the issues that need dealing with in the marriage, even resolving issues & help you reconnect. If a reconciliation isn't on the cards, they could help facilitate a smoothish divorce.