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Would you tell if you snooped

I had a look on my partners phone because things just hadn't been adding up lately and I was sick of him denying he's lying and me second guessing myself. Now iv confirmed that he's been lying (not cheating but lying about smaller things constantly) I don't know if I should tell him I looked at his phone coz he'll probably blow up that iv touched his phone or just accept that he's a liar and be done with him

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Answers (12)

Why confront him, you have the evidence. Let him dig more, deeper holes. Just keep track of his lies. By telling him, he'll never leave his phone around, change his passwords & cover his tracks better. Decide what you want, protect yourself.

OP Thanks, I think you're right. Its just eating me up knowing that he's lying but having to pretend I don't know
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I’m not sure if confronting him would be the best course of action. Snooping has confirmed what you suspected. Confronting him might open up a whole new can of worms. You have to decide if you can live with the lies or it’s time to move on

OP That's my problem, I'm not sure I can live with constant lying. But I don't want to break up my kids lives . If not for the kids I'd 100% move on
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 As a child of divorce and also a divorcee myself, I can guarantee the kids will get over the break up quicker than you will. Don't put up with shit and be unhappy thinking you are doing them a favour ❤
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OP The kids are only little and still think the sun shines out of his butt even tho he doesn't do a single thing for them. He's sure to bad mouth me to them and make me look like a bad guy but I don't want to stoop to his level, and want to leave them out of adult issues but he'll use them to hurt me
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Well if you leave you will at least get single Mums pension, ftb and child support. Right now all your feting is lies and financial abuse. It might be easy to hide money from you, not so easy to hide from the child support office.

OP That's true, il have more money from centrelink then I have now. I wouldn't underestimate him on the not being able to hide from child support tho, he's pretty good at working the system
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My advice is take pictures of as much stuff as you can for evidence. You can bring it up but I guarantee he'll turn it into an argument about you and your paranoia and your snooping

OP Thanks, I have been taking photos of everything. He's going to loose it if he sees how much of his stuff iv gone through tho.
I'm thinking once I'm ready to leave il either fax them to his work (So he gets them in his office) or I'll print them out, put them in a box, wrap it with a bow on top and present it to him as a parting gift. Not sure which one will be more fun for me. Or any other suggestions welcome on how to present him with the evidence.

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Pretty sure I'm done with this lying liar that lies but while I line up my ducks I'm going to have some fun messing with him and making him explain things and dig himself holes and watch him backpedal while I innocently play dumb 🤷‍♀️

OP So the other night he called saying he was running late coz he had a flat tyre (lie - he went to the pub with mates, which iv never had a problem with him going and I never asked where he was, he voluntarily called me)
So the next morning I asked him which tyre was flat and when was he getting it fixed. He "forgot" which one it was and apparently he already got it fixed, his "mate" recommended a place that fixes tyres within the hour (in the middle of the night too apparently)... oh yeah... so this morning I called him and asked for the name of the place that fixes tyres within the hour, told him my mum's got a flat tyre and wants to get it fixed asap and said I told her he knew a place he just got his fixed at. He "forgot" and conveniently the "mate" that told him about it the other day has JUST left for a holiday so he can't contact him 🙄Feeling so stupid i never questioned his extravagant stories earlier coz if i hadn't been blindly beleiving him I would have caught on ages ago

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I'm sorry babe but I have to stop reading this. It's breaking my heart and making me mad at the same time xx

Just confront him babe 🙂

OP I really do want to just throw it all in his face and see if it gives him a wake up call. But he'll either get angry at me that I touched his phone, feed me a bunch of bullshit excuses or as other posters have said continue what he's doing but cover his tracks better
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 I just finished reading the others and man, pretty good advice and I could t agree any less! I would like to think of myself as an honest person so whenever I feel a type of way or know he’s up to something I’d confront him always..
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Call a domestic violence line to talk to them. This is controlling behaviour and financial abuse. Then can help you contact the right people to help you get things sorted before leaving him. If you try to show him up, he may escalate; we've all heard the news stories of partners/exes killing their wives or kids because of control. Don't risk it just because it would be sweet to see him finally called out on his bullshit. Keep records and keep yourself safe. Talk to professionals as they'll know what to do.

Leave him

OP If only it was that easy . So much more complicated with kids. And my youngest is only a baby so I'm not working and have no money
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 Get all your ducks in a row (depending on what he's lying about). Upgrade your work skills / employment opportunities while you're waiting, get on top of any health issues, gather copies of all your finance documents & start a secret squirrel bank account - you'll need some cash when you leave.
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OP Hes in control of all the money and any that I can get my hands on has to be spent on the kids. All I get is bit of centrelink and that is all I get to spend on kids and anything we need
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 Can you 'separate' from your partner (due to financial abuse), but still live in the same house due to financial reasons, for Centrelink payment/eligibility for Single Parenting payments? Open a separate bank account now, just for you. There are agencies that can help you to, like Red Cross , Salvo, Vinnies, Anglicare. You are in a difficult position, goodluck with what you choose.
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OP Don't think that would be possible. He's not one to make things easy.
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 Can you Iron baskets of washing or something? Tell him about half of it (so it’s not completely deceitful) and stash the other half you make. Build a little kitty then go?
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If I were you I would start a budget. You can just tell him that now that your not working you want to make sure you are meeting budget. You can download household budgets that you can use with excel. Then go through all the bank statements. This will then leave things out in the open for discussion. I honestly don’t think it’s worth divorcing him over. Lots of people struggle with money. You will need to make the financing your responsibility.

OP Oh he's got about 8 different bank accounts and thinks I don't know about at least half of them (found them during my snoop). We have 1 joint one that he transfers money out of as soon as he gets paid and whenever I question where the money is going all he'll tell me is "bills" when it's really getting spent on junk food and expensive crap while bills are over due, our acct is getting over drawn, he transfers money backwards and forwards to make it confusing on purpose. Iv asked him to write up budgets and he will, but then NEVER sticks to it, makes up bogus bills and if I dare question him then he'll tell me he earns the money so he'll take care of bills and I'm lucky to have a roof over my head and won't let me see any of his accounts that "bills" are being paid out of and he's conveniently 'lost' the card to our acct so he has to transfer money to his other account (that I'm not allowed to see) whenever be buys anything.
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 That is not ok. I’m sorry to say but you will need to see a financial councillor together. I don’t think a partnership can work long term like this. You have every right to ensure he is sticking to the family budget.
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OP I did suggested seeing a financial counsellor but he won't even entertain the idea. Says he's not going to listen to a stranger tell him how he should spend his money.
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 Maybe a marriage councillor then. The solution is fairly simple, close all accounts but one. I’d put my foot down on this one ( although that’s easy for me to say, I have different marriage problems of my own).
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OP He refuses marriage counselling. Says it's a waste of money and we can't afford it.
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 I’m sorry , but ofcourse he’s not going to see a person about finances or his marriage, he knows full well what he is doing and wants to stay in control, not adjust his behaviour. He obviously has no respect for you which is sick. I think you should look into getting legal advice.. please document!!
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Iv done some more digging and honestly the more I look the more I find. I'm in shock at the lies he's been feeding me. I'm done with him. Just need to bite my tongue and act nice while I line up my ducks.
I'm so hurt.
I went weeks in december only eating kids leftovers or the cheapest food I could buy so that I could afford Christmas presents for the kids while he got a $5000 bonus that he didn't tell me about and spent it all on himself while commiserating with me about how tight our budget was and how we need to save money.
Feeling so betrayed

 Oh f*ck that honey!

You are strong and with help from CL you will soar, look at how well you can work with money!!!

I wish you all the best, you are going to kick a*s!

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 That’s so horrible, big hug hun. Take lots of photos of all that you find.. you need it later, even just to help you feel like you’re making the right decision. X
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It depends on what he is doing. If he is doing stuff that will lead to an affair dump his a*s.

OP Lying about EVERYTHING basically. Screwing us over financially. Spending $1000s on things we can't afford. Like who needs 4 $350 watches then saying his friend gave him his old ones, designer shoes for $300 and saying they were on sale for $50, paying $130 for his phone plan and telling me he's only paying $49. Canceling our car insurance without telling me and bying fast food with the money. Coming home with $200 bottles of alcohol and saying it was a gift from a friend. Then telling me we can't afford to put the kids in after school sports or buy them new school shoes.
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OP Sending photos of our kids and me without my knowledge or permission to his abusive alcoholic parents (he moved out at 14 and moved across the country to with relatives but now wants to serve up our kids to those people that he couldn't wait to get away from) when we'd agreed - his choice, to never send them photos of our kids before our 1st was born, and he's assuring me hes NEVER sent them a photo yet iv found hundreds that he's sent them.
That's some of it but there's so much more. Multiple lies about just about everything every single day

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