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My girl been pegged “the mean girl” but isn’t

Ok so I will give some info, just to understand a bit of context.
My daughter has two best friends they are the same 2 best friends since junior kindy.
My daughter is very reserved and closed to a lot of people , but her friends are , well she never forgets them , even a friend who moved away when she was two.
One of her best friends is very similar, all be it a bit more friendly to people she doesn’t know, their other friend is on the spectrum and is a even more so version of my daughter.

What’s happening at school is they very much just play to themselves, they don’t exclude people but I think others feel excluded cos their bond is so tight.
Iv seen them in class and their teacher has assured me they are friendly, and lovely girls and very well liked.

Well it’s come to my attention, all the mums have been getting this that our girls are mean and excluding their daughters from their “click”and just popular mean girls.


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Answers (21)

Dont use the word ‘pegged’ when talking about your daughter, its 2019 ‘pegged’ means fu****g your husband up the arse with a strap on dildo 😵

OP Well learn some thing new every day.
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OP Lol
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 Anyone that reads an innocent story about a child and then thinks about fu****g their husband up the arse with a dildo needs mental help. Grow up you twisted moron!
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 Im not the one who gave the ‘pegged’ definition, but i mist admit when i saw ‘pegged’ i thought the same thing! I think it was a previous sahm feed that taught me the word too ! Lol
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So we are talking about Pegging now are we? 🤣😂😂😂😂😂😅😂😂😂 I love you guys hahahha

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I think you've fallen down a rabbit hole of being obsessed with your daughter's appearance as well as her school social life and it's going to cause you many, many issues in the future.
I tell you this as a mother of 3 now teenage daughters with experience of it myself.
Unless she is truly being bullied or truly bullying someone else you need to just let it go, let her play with whoever she likes, ignore the other parents (if there really are any saying these things you claim), let her just go through the motions of being a kid.

OP No, I can see how you can think that but I needed to give context, it’s actually a fairly important part as it’s the main reason why I think they are so hurt when she won’t be their BFF.

It’s honestly something that’s kinda shaped a lot of her, infact her social anxiety I beleive has been made worse because there is always attention on her and has been firm day one.
We just got back from the shops and 4 people in the space of 15 minutes made remarks toward it, everyone looks at her when she walks.
Every other person (complete strangers) to to engage with her.
I have 3 other children.
Iv even had friends comment about it (without it being brought up) how full on it is.

I know it seems weird to mention it but I truely feel like it’s part of the issue.
People just have This want to be around her and part of her circle.

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 Hahahaha your daughter is so special. Wake up to yourself, lady.
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 I have to hold my tongue on this post. As the mother of a child who had a relationship with a meangirl, who raised it with the parent(like a number of other mums eg 10), who's teacher had no clue what was going on but every other kid did, and who also saw it happening but mum completely believes kid is innocent, I read your post with frustration. You're new to school but you wouldn't be the first and definitely not the last, to only see the best in your kid. I've been told my child has lied about things and I don't accuse others of lying. I approached my kid tough and got the truth. Children are smart and if they know they can get away with it they will act innocent in these sort of matters. Looks have nothing to do with it, meangirl at ours was beautiful too, but absolutely guilty of being exclusive and nasty when parents weren't in sight. It's horrible being on the other side and confusing for kids involved when parent disbelieves the majority.
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 Teachers need evidence, they don't see this when there are so many kids, these interaction are fast and they think the child is a people pleaser. I advise you to not just go off the teacher, being a tutor in lots of schools, I hear so many personal stories from kids and teachers not knowing on or having their plates full with more pressing issues such as education and class focus. I hope you be a bit less biased for all involved
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OP I can see how if you’re kid has been bullied you’d feel hurt by this.
I can say with 100% certainty my daughter was not at fault.
It’s not really something the teachers would miss there is 75 kids in the entire school.
In fact the girls in question I have actually seen them hit and push other kids (their own siblings and the little boy in their class who is tiny. Literally half their size)
And iv watched them lie boldly before.
On the contrary I didn’t say it here cos I knew how it would sound on here, but their kids if anyone in the grade is the “mean girl” it’s theses kids. They just aren’t mean to my daughter because they want to be her friend. though I don’t actually think their kids are mean I just think they have poor home environment and model.

It’s all irrelevant now. I never have to deal with them again!!! We got accepted into a different school finally. Kids won’t be going back for the last week of term.
Biggest relief. 9 months of drama and no need to deal with it now

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I think you need to get some counselling yourself, let your daughter fight her own battles. Your not doing yourself or your daughter any favours by carrying on this way.

OP I do, and it’s literally them coming up to me, I would happily just exchange pleasantries at pick up, but they come to me, the first time she literally came up to me yelling at me in front of kids.
She got warned by the principal and it hasn’t been that full on since but she’s still as forceful just minus the yelling

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 You just have to tell her to f**k off. Well maybe don't say that but be assertive and tell her to back off, my daughter is shy and finds large groups intimidating, you need to let this obsession go, your child has lots of children to play with you don't need to force a friendship on my daughter. If you keep harassing me I am going to take out a restraining order against you.
Be firm and hopefully the woman will be too embarrassed to talk to you again.

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Your daughter might not be intentionally being mean but if she and her friends are excluding, ignoring or straight up telling other kids that they aren't welcome to play with them than I think that is mean. I don't think that the other parents are labelling your daughter a mean girl because she is stunning. Maybe talk to your daughter about the language/ tone she uses with her peers when she doesn't want to play with them.

OP No sorry I don’t think that’s why they think she’s mean, I meant to give context I think it part of kids (and parents tbh) wanting to be around her, she’s very endearing in all senses of the word, she’s “attractive” in every way a person can be, even as a baby people have been drawn in by her beauty, it’s something I never saw to the extend with my other kids.
It’s something about my daughter beauty from day one has drawn people to her, I often couldn’t go to the shops because (and I’m not exaggerating) every second person would remark or want to hush over her, and always have as she got older.

The thing is she often doesn’t talk when someone else joins the play, she struggles in that setting to actually speak. Her outgoing friend usually does the talking for them all so the play fizzles our quickly

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OP And to give you some context of how overwhelming a full day of socialising with people is when she comes home she will spend a hour alone in her room till she’s ready to come out.

She has come so far this year to interact the way she does in class, her teacher has nothing but good things to say about her! And also says how kind and lovely she is and says the whole class just adores her.

I also know she finds the adoration overwhelming , and some of the kids who are in the real middle of the whole thing (and their parents) are really loud, full on kids and want to hug and hold hands and it’s just overwhelming for her.

She can handle it in the class because they have another tasks to do and it’s just toned down.

I have told the other parents I’ll speak to her and tell her to try and be more inclusive but every other month they come back and confront me again about something their kid told them :/ (she didn’t play with us ect. )

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 Has your daughter spoken to a psychologist or a councillor to help her with her anxiety?
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OP Yes she has, and we are both so incredibly proud of how well she handles it at such a young age, she self regulates very well.

She’s also been diagnosed with a few APP so that’s why I have a lot of meetings with the teacher, as she has a lot of help and has been seeing the school speech pathologist since prep, and has an aid in class for an hour every day. So I also hear from the aid how she is with other kids.
No teacher has ever seen her be “mean”, and the opposite they all with rave how kind and well liked she is.

The fact she socialises with the kids within the classroom is huge for her. It’s been 3 years of learning to do so and this year we’ve all been so proud of her.
But they often overwhelm her in the playground. She doesn’t say anything mean she just keeps to herself within the group (not walking away is a huge step for her, which she admittedly does do soemtimes which then gets relayed back as she ignored the other kids. And it’s just not what is happening.

Iv taken on board things they’ve said iv tried as best I can , but even on her where I’m able to write I can still see the word vomit, in person it’s even worse.
But they don’t take any accountability for their kids, it’s all what my daughter is doing wrong

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 Argh, just tell the parents to politely buzz off. If they have an issue tell them to talk to the teacher about it (because it seems that they think that they can push you around).
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OP I’m gonna try hard to have a voice if it comes up again, be more assertive and not pander to what they are saying.

It’s hard I see it all pan out in my head and what I’ll say them in the moment my youngest turns to noodles

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OP Tongue not youngest lol
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what exactly are these parent saying? What are their words? It’s all your interpretation here of the cause but if they are saying specific things those things are pretty relevant!

OP That she acts up herself, that she’s too good for other kids, that she won’t talk to other kids if they try to play, that she will hug her friends but embarrassed their kids when they try and hug her and she won’t.
That she tells them to go away (iv never heard my daughter speak like that even when she’s uncomfortable , she simply doesn’t talk and walks away.)
That she excludes kids all the time.
There is 16 kids in the grade. 10 girls.
So it’s a group of 5 mothers.
Then me.
2 of the other boys in the class parents are often there to pick up and they are lovely.

None of the teachers back up anything their child is telling them, but it’s the bullshit I have to deal with every day at 2:20

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 You just have to ignore it, it doesn't matter what the other mum's say about her. As Long as she is happy playing with her friends just let it be.
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 Is this just one or two mums or heaps of parents. If its one or two mums ignore it. Clearly they are the problem
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OP 2 main ones I feel like the other mums just don’t want to be on the bad end of her.
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OP We are now!!! Lol 🙏🏼
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I think the best thing you can do is explain to one of the mothers that your child has anxiety, prefers the company of a trusted few despite liking all the children and let her tell the others. Choose one that is the least judgemental and let it go. You can't fix everything.

OP Thanks for the reply. You’re right, there’s no fixing something, I was pretty worked up when I wrote this. It was good to get it out.
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I think you need to ignore it, or explain your daughter is shy.

OP I was really angry and frustrated when I wrote this.
I’m just gonna straight up say what I actually think next time it comes up, leave it at that. Lol, that’s a lie I’ll get younger tied and walk off lol.... but as I walk away I’ll figure out the perfect words in my head lol.

Next year my youngest will be in year 1 so I’ll be able to wait on the other side of the courtyard which will help.

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my daughter is just like me and I had the same two best friends all through primary, thing was though we weren’t “desired friends” so we were never excluding...

What I think has happened is my daughter is to be honest an extremely beautiful little girl (physically) and so is one the other girls and the 3rd on is also pretty but two of them are really stunning , and they are all very sporty, they are very endearing little girls, I do get it, but they are all introverts.

I know all theee of them to be extremely kind and I know in my heart of hearts they wouldn’t have said mean things.

The other parents think the girls should let everyone play with them, and if they don’t they are bullying by excluding.

Am I projecting my own insecurities onto the situation?
My daughter is so much like me, and a really really big introvert and I just don’t think she should be forced to play with kids for they’re sake, forsaking her own.
She does so and does so very well in class, she happily sits and engages with other kids in class, which makes me think even more so the playground she should be able to take her space?

Yesterday we received an email from the private school in town after 3 years on the wait list We got in 🥳 🎉
They start next term and I’ll let her have a 3 week holiday I am over the moon!!!!!

 Sorry to burst your bubble, but you are probably going to have the same problem in the new school.
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OP Maybe, maybe not, this family are pretty rough. They really are the problem. I can happily say it now.

My daughter may very well have other issues at the new school, but I won’t have to deal with this family again.
And worst case scenario if it does they have kiss and go. Lol.

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But if iv learning anything from this is that pegged has a different meaning.

I think you and your daughter can benefit from both being more assertive of yourselves - counselling sounds drastic but you both seem quite anxious. I’d just park around the corner and get her to meet you if there are other mums are overly concerned with their kids classmates. She doesn’t have to play with anyone she doesn’t want to. Just teach her role play on how to deal with saying no. She might need to snap to get people to back off if they’re not taking no for an answer.

OP Thanks for that. Yes I don’t deal well in conflict at all. Ironically iv gotten much better lol 🤦🏾‍♀️
I’m a pretty cool calm person all other times but in conflict I just my head goes a million miles and hour and just a million thoughts race through after the fact but in the moment I just get tounge tied and speechless. (Which is better than bursting into tears like I would do 15 years ago lol

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Your daughter has the right to feel comfortable and safe at school. Honestly, if it was me and I was being harassed by other parents I would take it up with the teacher and ask them to explain to the whole class about different personalities and how to respect each classmates boundries while at school. By this, I mean teaching them that not all children feel comfortable being hugged or may not always want to play with them and they need to respect that. It is not your job to appease other parents and I find it shocking that they feel they can target you about your daughter. You are her mother and you seem to clearly remember how it was for you as an introverted child ... let her know that it is okay to take time to herself. Society can be very demanding - it is great that your daughter has learnt how to self regulate even in an environment she may find quite stressful. You owe other parents nothing. Please don’t let their entitlement to a friendship with your daughter stop you from encouraging her to feel safe and secure in that environment.

 Meant to say, “don’t let their sense of entitlement to a friendship*”. No one is entitled to her friendship.
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OP That you for your reply!
That’s exactly what I felt I felt that the kids and the parents felt entitled to her friendship. That’s for giving words to it.

We are all very excited to be moving schools next term!

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Your daughter just sounds shy. Some kids prefer to play in a small group when shy and that is ok. As long as she isn't talking nastily to any other kids, I'd say to just ignore it. Do check what language she is using when rejecting playing to make sure she is being polite. Consider encouraging her to sometimes let other play too or sometimes invite other kids in. The problem with small friendship groups in school can be that if the other kids she plays with move/ are away sick and she becomes lonely/isolated.

OP Thanks that’s the thing, she did play with them at lunch sometimes, and did a lot in class. But I will continue to be conscious of the words she uses and more to the point encourage her to actually communicate. (Her tendency is to just quietly slip away and do something on her own or go over to her sister. )
We are excited to be moving schools now. It’s all in the past lol albeit recent past

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How old is she? It is true that sometimes people mistake shy / introverted people for snobby. If that's the case maybe you could help her with some ways to talk to people a bit more. Not that theres anything wrong with being shy in itself.