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Step mum vs bio mum. (These posts always get spicy)

My husband and I have been together over 8 years now. He has a daughter who is 10 to his ex and we have 2 children together. I have always tried to keep an open line of communication with his ex for the sake of their daughter. She would yell and scream abuse at me quite regularly and I never bit back just stood my ground while trying to be accommodating and not make things worse. For 6 years I kept the peace, not jumping up and down or chucking fits about her making demands and saying nasty things then I had enough and said I wouldn’t cop the abuse anymore and made it clear I would not be bullied. Now she doesn’t want to deal with me at all, which is totally fine by me! However continues to message and call my husband to convey messages to me about things I’m doing she’s not happy with. I contact her directly and say if you have an issue with what I’m doing take it up with me but she refuses because “I don’t have to deal with her” ... cont in comments

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Answers (11)

If what you have written here is accurate just ignore her. You sound like you are doing the best you can. The only one she is hurting is her daughter.

Why do you care? Just keep loving and looking after your step daughter that's all that matters.

OP Because my parenting And character are being constantly attacked by someone who doesn’t have the balls to say it to me. She attacks my children... who are 4 and 1! She encourages her daughter to break my house rules and tells her to pass on her messages and demands to me! It’s wrong. That’s why I care.
helpful (1) 
 I think you should get the child some counselling. It must be hard on you all.
helpful (2) 
OP I’d love to but the fact that we only see her OEW, with no real consistency at all (sometimes it’s 6-8+ weeks between visits due to plans made by BM or simply refusing access because some demand, usually monetary, isn’t being met) coupled with her extremely busy out of school activities (netball, bmx, swimming, life guard training and cheerleading) there’s hardly any time to take her and if we could fit it in during our visits... again the consistency thing. 😔
helpful (0) 

I don't think it's unreasonable that she doesn't want to communicate with you directly and goes through her ex instead, he is the father of her children after all, if it's so volatile and stressful you shouldn't want her to contact you.

 Yeah I agree with this. If I was as neurotic as the ex I'd probably only want to deal with the dad of my daughter too and not his wife. And also I think you shouldn't want to have a confrontation with her, unless that's what you're angling towards
helpful (0) 
OP she’s a typical bully, once I stood up to her she stopped trying to yell at me and intimidate me but will run her mouth to my husband demanding I do this or that. If she contacted me directly about anything she wanted me to do differently in regards to her daughter she would need to do it in a normal civil way instead of the way she does it with my husband... which is quite frankly... barky.
helpful (0) 
 My husband's ex was like this too, I used to have panic attacks before I saw her because she would verbally attack and yell at me during change overs and I always just let it happen because i didn't want a confrontation in front of the kids. The day I stood up to her and showed her I had a backbone was the day she decided she would not deal with me again, only my husband. Of course, the one and only time I raised my voice to stop her talking over me is the time she continually reminds the kids of, so it was ten steps backwards with them but I don't have to take crap from her anymore.
helpful (1) 

I have the other end my ex has an 18 y/o gf. Who is a child carer and apparently knows everything. My children are 8 and almost 11. She showers with my daughter who is 8 and has asked my daughter about my boob job and told my daughter she got stuck in my vagina. Not to mention a bunch of other ridiculous things. Even telling my daughter she will keep her but I’ll just take them to court. It’s so pathetic

 Sooo strange you should be getting some advice with that.
helpful (1) 
 Police are involved now and child safety as I found out a lot more which now my daughter hasn’t been in six weeks on legal advice
helpful (0) 

It sucks. My DHS exw is the same, exw tells her daughter that I can't tell her what to do, that dad will buy her a particular item (usually expensive) or we are taking her somewhere to set the child up for disappointment. It's like she throws in a grenade and runs. After a year of trying to get along with step daughter and ignoring the constant stream of my mum hates you, you are not in-charge of me, I hope dad leaves you I checked out of the relationship with sdaughter. I feel so bad for the poor little girl, her mum has turned her into a miserable ball of unhappiness. She can't enjoy her time with her mum because her mum is unhappy with life and takes it out on the poor kid, she can't enjoy her time with dad because mum makes her feel bad for having a father and having court appointed access with him. I could only take being an emotional punching bag for so long, I usually lock up anything of value and anything that belongs to my little one and go and stay with my parents when she is here. She is in counselling and has improved, but I can't let my child be part of the shit show that is her access weekend. The funniest part is that we can't take her and give her a normal life.

OP So glad there’s someone on here who understands what’s it’s like! Not glad that there’s other people dealing with this same bullshit!!!
Oh yes I use to get those ones too “my mum hates you” I use to say “I know but I like your mum without her you wouldn’t be here! Hopefully one day she’ll stop hating me”. “My mum says her house is better and cleaner” internally I would think “your mum is a petty miserable bitch” but i would just say something to the degree of “oh maybe she’ll come over and clean up and show me how to do it better?”. I don’t know how anyone can live their life being bitter and miserable and constantly looking for fights. Grown a*s women chucking temper tantrums about not getting their way. Nothing about this is “my way” but you don’t see me getting up in her business literally allll the time

helpful (0) 
 Just remember she must be miserable and she wants you to be miserable too. I was always nice and said that's ok, your mum doesn't have to like me, I was always positive. Unfortunately she was very jealous of her baby sister and I couldn't cope with not being able to take my eyes off her for a second incase she hurt the baby. Now I just leave before she gets here.
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Sounds like my partners ex its like she has our house wired, she is ceazy.

Legally she doesn't get a say unless its doing an activity which may harm or cause harm to the child. But in the eyes of the courts once change over is done you don't get a say. Unless the child is in danger or been hurt she can't dictate how you do things or what you feed the child etc. Now you should accommodate allergies etc obviously but all else is up to ur hubby and u

What happens in your home is none of her business as long as they are cared for and not harmed. Do you have parenting orders? If not get some. That way its all set in stone. If she continues to be abusive etc threaten her with legal action. Hubby needs to tell her to stop that once hand over is done she doesn't get a say.

Ask your husband not to pass on the messages, and don't have any contact with her. Then you can pretend she doesn't exist. Suggest to your husband that he ignores the texts, hangs up on the phone calls and just walks away when she carries on about you. A friend in a difficult situation like yours has blocked all phone contact and just has an email that his childs mum can contact him on. The mum can contact my friends mum to pass messages in an emergency. He was able to use the abusive emails against his ex in court.

 Totally agree with this, you don't have to deal with her at all. He is the only point of contact with her from now on. Let him manage it. He's the one who had a baby with a crazy lady, so unfortunately it's his job to deal with her for the next 10 years till you can totally remove her from your lives.
helpful (0) 

Well you do if you’re going to have digs abd demand I change the way I run my home?! My husband has told her to either take it up with me or let it go because this is ridiculous. Nope. I look after their daughter when she’s here and often (not a majority) her father is at work or sports so again... sort of have to deal with me. I have ignored her taunts time and time again but she will bring my children into it and that’s when I say enough and call her out. Thoughts? She’s being absolutely ridic right? In no way claiming to be the perfect party here I definitely have made poor choices and comments over the years but I have ALWAYS tried to keep things civil.