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Marital Problems

I am at a loss I have seen a Psycologist ect but it dosent help, my husband constantly complains he feels I am yelling or talking to him loudly. He always blames it on my mental health but I honestly don’t feel I am doing anything wrong I don’t know what to do any more

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Answers (6)

He is gaslighting you, Making you feel you are to blame for any problems so he can continue to manipulate you. Why not record a conversation you have, then listen to it back a day or two later to see if it really does sound like you are yelling, then you can find out it you really are or not.

 ^yessssssssss
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 No he isn’t
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 Is too
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Marriage counseling might be useful. Communicating peacefully to better understand each other. I mean deep conversation to get to the bottom of what’s going on in your marriage.
If you’re both willing to save your marriage, then you both need to start working on it TOGETHER!
Think of your marriage like a plant, if you don’t water it and look after it constantly eventually it will die. Good luck OP!

 Thanks unfortunately a huge issue is I don’t find my husband approachable, he makes me feel bad about everything I even have gotten to the stage I saying I did something even if I isn’t just to avoid arguments. I also did that with my mum who I no longer speak to. Divorce isn’t a option as I don’t believe in it. My husband is a wealthy businessman who gets to sit back but he dosent do anything and expects me to wait on him hand and foot if I say no he gives me the puppy dog eyes which makes me feel horrible and I end up doing whatever he wants. Sometimes I get tired of always having to get up and do stuff when he could do it himself. If I don’t get up ect it only causes argument
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 Different person: I feel like women are becoming trapped by domestic work/ or childcare management abuse these days. We are limited by men who think it is ok to make us compromise too much or lose our marriage. I wish I had advice but I don’t. The arguments such and are so stressful. I don’t get the puppy dog eyes, I get the rolled eyes. I think marriage counselling would be beneficial for me, but I don’t think my husband would go
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 I do feel you everyte I have suggested counselling together he flat out refuses, I honestly feeling like I am failing
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 Original responder: It seems as though he has instilled a level of fear in you OP! Manipulation and gaslighting at its finest. Google gaslighting I’m almost certain your husband will check all the boxes.
Since his not approachable. Write him a letter, let everything out, admit your downfalls (if any). Time to start somewhere. You don’t believe in divorce Do you believe in being miserable forever instead?
The fact that you’ve come to discuss your problems with a bunch of strangers tells me you’re hitting rock bottom real fast. Act now, get the ball rolling and fingers crossed he will jump on board.

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 Thanks he doesn’t believe in reading letters it is something I have tried in the past, he constantly refers to the fact I am like my mum, whom I have been estranged from for many years. I feel the best thing I can probably do is to just talk when talked to
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 Original responder: You don’t need to answer me or anyone here but probably worth asking yourself why have you resorted to staying in a marriage that brings you nothing but stress, hurt, misery etc
Is it the familiarity? The financial stability? I’m no relationship expert but I can see you lack in self worth and self love to put up with a husband that constantly belittles you. We only get once chance at life is this how you see your forever?
“I will only talk when spoken to” that’s sad to read and no human should feel this way.
I recommend you continue with therapy find a new psychologist if you weren’t satisfied with the one you originally saw. Don’t sit in the passenger seat of your OWN life, take charge, grab that steering wheel and go in a direction that gives you peace and happiness even if it means doing it alone. I wish you all the best x

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 Thanks the psychologist I see is good I see here for a lot of issues, in terms of why I believe in the marriage vows I took I am very religious and as such believe the vows arnt meant to be broken. I have often contemplated breaking them but feel to guilt ridden even by the mere thought. I then feel mabey I am just a hard person to live with and that my expectations are to high and unrealistic
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 Original responder: OP you both took the marriage vows, not just you. Potentially he broke the vows, you know this, you can see this, you’re living this. What’s lacking here is communication, try navigate some ideas on how to talk to him without starting an argument that you yourself said is almost inevitable. Don’t settle, look after yourself. You might need to wind back your expectations and start back at the basics. Eg: All I want from this marriage is: respect, support, love. Once you have these things fulfilled hopefully other areas of the marriage will flow naturally. Just because you’ve tried the letter avenue and it didn’t work, try again. YOU DESERVE TO BE HEARD!
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 You say you are very religious, no issue there, but do you honestly think God would want you to stay in an unhappy marriage and be treated this way?
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 Honestly I am about putting others needs before my own, so despite me not liking it and being unhappy. The Bible teaches the vows aren’t to be broken so therefore one is to not break them unless of course there was physical domestic violence. So to answer your question it is my duty to stay even though things are hard
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 The different responder from before:I get the confusion over why someone would stay in a relationship for x,y and z, but there are many reasons people stay in relationships, often they are relationships they care about, they are human and they know that life may not always be greener in a different one. Personally(with respect) I think it is a delusion to think that relationships can be ideal when already there are very strong differences in the roles in most of them, this is why I didn’t really have any advice but sympathy because op obviously cares about her relationship but cannot figure out how to get through this, on top of dealing with so many other issues in today’s society. I said it before, I think in the future this sort of thing will be considered abuse of a different kind, but we are not yet educated on it. Post argument, my husband told me the other day that he would not pick the kids up on my work day which put me in a horrible situation being also estranged from my mum
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 And not having any other real support. I use daycare and osh, but not on that day. I get it op. I think at the end of the day you start to focus a little more on yourself and build your life that way. It may help you handle these situations better as you will know his mental health comments aren’t warranted when you are more attached to other people. However, I would warn to surround yourself with a variety of people not just a certain group, so you can get some real perspective
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 Thank you kindly for your response, like you I don’t have any family supports either as I am also estranged. I find a lot of people are quick to judge but a lot of people haven’t walked a mile in the same or similar shoes. Some days are a lot harder then others there is also the lonleyinest that comes with it
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It's not you It's him.

 Agree. My shitty husband says i need to sort my mental health out when i point out his lies or don't agree with him.
Tells people i have mental health problems. It's all about demonising you.

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My husband will find something wrong with me and amplify it. It used to really lower my self esteem but now that I recognize it and I say thanks for that how’s your weight loss going?

If he says you talk loud when he does something that you dislike call it out see how he feels.

My husband said your Botox wore off I can see your frown lines and I said I can see your stomach hanging over your pants lol.

 Lol I had a good laugh! From your post I can see this is done in tongue and cheek and you and hubby have a certain language that is somewhat “acceptable” to you both.
Unfortunately OP seems scared to do the “wrong” thing which according to DH (di*****d lol) is always!

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Ditch the man run off to Mexico with Pablo the pool boy

  Lol
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Um have u hhad ur hearing checked. Some people are loud and dont know it.

 I haven’t but no one else complains I have asked and they have said I talk normal but I will get it checked
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