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Interpret these circumstances, unbiased outsiders, and give me some perspective please.

Is this rape or a miscommunication:
-I'm asleep in bed, my husband starts getting frisky and I tell him (2-3 times) to stop and let me sleep. He doesn't and starts fucking me (still trying to rub my clit - sorry for sounding vulgar - to get me in the mood). I give up trying to reason with him and start trying to get him "finished" as fast as possible so I can go back to sleep.
Is it rape (because I was telling him to stop) or a misunderstanding (because I went on to participate half arsedly)?


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Answers (11)

I think you blew your case when you stopped trying to reason with him and let him have it. Your case wouldn't stand up in a court of law sorry. That's not to say your hubby is not an asshole though

 Relenting is not consenting
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 We know that but a court of law doesn't
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I think if it was in the case of the law and you wanted to pursue a rape charge, your actions of ‘trying to get him finished quickly’ indicate your willingness to participate even though you had said no beforehand. I’d imagine that your actions of participation (even though under protest, you weren’t threatened or physically forced to) would therefore override your verbalising of ‘no’.
Morally however, he should have accepted (and respected) your objection and stopped at your first ‘no’.
You shouldn’t have had to say no 3 times, let alone felt pressured to put out.
I feel sorry for you. I hope you’re okay?

 Agreed. Also, as he now thinks he convinced you / turned you on, I'd be clear that he's to take the first no next time - otherwise he's going to think this is acceptable next time.
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 I disagree. If she participated due to pressure/coercion, that is not consensual.
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Technically it is rape. However sometimes there has to be a bit of give and take in intimate relationships. Sometimes one partner, usually the man, is very aroused, and needs sex before sleep in order to get any sleep. So the choice is, does he masturbate or pester you until you give in. The trouble with masturbation is it is a private act not a shared one, and can become a habit. Once you have totally refused, and he masturbates, will he ask you again in the same circumstances ? You need to decide how you interpret it, on a personal level.
I have given in on many an occasion, and then thoroughly enjoyed it, when very sleepy. So it was not an unpleasant experience at all. And I promptly turned over and slept soundly afterwards. So no loss, and no harm done to me, in my opinion.
Its would be different if you were feeling ill.
But you need to decide if you are feeling significantly aggrieved, looking back on it, or just mildly annoyed.
Maybe set some new ground rules with him, in the calm light of day, if it is a major concern to you.

 Reasonable response. Can’t believe how many here are willing to brand it as rape so quickly. If you are feeling violated by your tragic experience, by all means have it out with him so there are no future misunderstandings. Otherwise, maybe move the sex up earlier in the evening before tiredness becomes an issue.
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 Nothing at reasonable about this response. In fact, it’s revolting. She said no. He ignored her. Where is his respect for his wife? Consent still matters in a marriage. Talk about victim blaming. Wow.
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 I think you mean the partner WANTS sex before sleep. No-one "needs sex before sleep".
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Rape and marital rape is sadly very common. He tried to coerce you into it by also rubbing you. This is wrong and my husband does this also. Tell him it’s not okay! I’ve since moved out of my bedroom due to this

How could he not understand the word no? Where is the miscommunication there? Yes he raped you. The fact that he is your husband should not minimise that

Its rape, I'm sorry this has happened to me with an ex. And please people stop believing that men "need" sex. It is not a need, needs are something that have to be met for survival ie water, food, shelter. Humans want sex, they will not die if they dont do it. That belief that men need it is why they have entitlement over our bodies. It has to stop.

You said no before you unwillingly performed to get him to stop. That is rape.

I believe this is rape. No is no, he doesn’t give you a choice. You should talk to him about it and how you feel. I think men can take it personally, you could simply explain to him that you have your off days. By the same token Be willing to initiate sex sometimes and he can say no if he wants.

Thank you all for your responses.
The incident above happened a couple of months ago, and afterwards I told him that it was a shitty thing to do. He never said he was sorry, but he ACTED like he was (he's never once said "I'm sorry" in the entire time I've known him). He seemed ashamed of himself.
Then this morning he was trying to touch me (sexually), and when I tried to move away he held onto me and shushed me. He only stopped when I outright said "no!" in a panic.
Like, on the one hand, I get it, he wants that connection and maybe he thought it was some kind of role play.
But on the other hand, no. I feel really upset by it all. I thought I was moving past the hurt from the incident above, but this morning made me think that he really doesn't give a damn whether I want it or not. This, combined with some other stuff, makes me think he doesn't love me and I should leave. But then that doubt creeps in, and maybe I'm over reacting. Maybe it's just a misunderstanding after all and I'm being a little sensitive.
I don't know what to think or feel. I'm really tired, and can't wrap my head around anything.
I don't even know what I'm expecting by writing this all down here. Maybe I'll check back when my head's clear and it'll all make more sense. But I appreciate your replies.

 Maybe you should talk to someone professionally about this? If it is still worrying you now it clearly had an effect on you. And it's affecting the way you feel about the relationship. Perhaps see a counsellor?
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 I completely agree with this advice.
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Is it rape if I wake hubby up by giving him a blowie ?

 I’f be says no and you continue anyway then of course it is. You should get consent before staring anyway.
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 If you don't have his permission then yes it's rape. You don't have a clue do you?
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