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I don’t even know what to do anymore

My partner and I have been fighting a lot lately about every little thing. today he told me that the reason he never wants to do anything with me and the kids is that I’m embarrassing to be around. I didn’t even know what to say, I just asked him why is he even with me then. He left left the house and went to his parents. It’s. Is 10:30 at night and he’s still not home. I’ve done nothing but cry all afternoon and night in between looking after the kids and trying to not show them how upset I am.

Ive been called some horrible things before but being told I’m embarrassing to be around from him just hurt me so bad. And then the fact he just left. I put the kids to bed tonight and have just sat here sobbing for the last few hours. I’ve done nothing but bend over backwards for him and our kids over the last 4 years and I just feel so stupid that I’ve let it get to this point.

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Answers (11)

No more bending over. Heal your back bone and stand up for yourself. Do things for you. Go out with friends for lunch ect

He’s having an affair

 Unfortunately, i think you may be right. It sounds more like an excuse than anything else. Chin up OP. Xoxo
helpful (1) 
 Hmmm yes, and he’s gaslighting you, probably trying to justify to himself at least that’s this is your fault 🙁
helpful (2) 
 I’m so sorry, I know it will hurt even more. But I think he’s cheating too. Get angry rather than said. And get ur game on to move him out permanently. You don’t need that scum bag
helpful (0) 
 Yep, i agree with all these responders. I was cheated on for 3 years and my hubby got really really mean
helpful (0) 
 I agree, this is red flag behaviour for an affair however
helpful (0) 
 *My husband has an exceptionally stressful job and he can be quite snappy when he’s had a particularly stressful day/week but he has never (12yrs) said anything nearly that cruel and once the work issue is solved or he can decompress, he is back to normal. He will also apologise and make reparations with acts of kindness.
So your husband is currently under stress, it could be an affair (you should be able to find evidence within a reasonable amount of time unless he’s a very intelligent psychopath/narcissist/etc). I would suggest to proactively probe him (kindly manipulate him into giving you information which would help you understand what’s going on for everyone’s wellbeing, ask questions that don’t directly accuse him of serious wrong doing but that might lead to him divulging information which could reveal the truth). If you have a normal very healthy relationship including open, honest communication; have a genuine discussion about what is happening and his change in behaviour

helpful (1) 

I’m so sorry that your feeling this way sweetie. What an awful thing to say and then just leave. It sounds like you could do better! I hope you told him he’s no prize catch either! Chin up, your kids love you and will always be there for you. Personally, I would rather be alone that be with someone that belittles me. Good luck and please don’t shed anymore tears over that jerk! Xx

 My husband told me horrible things when he was having an affair too, it helped it justify his disgraceful behaviour. It still bloody hurt though!
helpful (4) 
 Yes ^ to these
helpful (0) 

Okay, OP here.
No major update as we haven’t had a chance to talk because I’m in hospital with our youngest child and have been all day.
No he isn’t having an affair and yes I know that for a fact.
He did go to his parents house, his mother messaged me to tell me he was there and his younger brother put photos up of him at their house last night.

 How can you know that for a fact? Unless he physically cant get it up?
helpful (0) 
 Because the only time he ever leaves the house is if he has at least one of our sons with him or I am with him.
His friends come here to catch up or we catch up as a group. He works from home and I’m a SAHM so I would know if he left the house.

helpful (0) 
 I hope your child is ok, poor thing the last thing you need is a medical emergency after spending the night crying over your .... husband. Goddamn sounds like you need a break lady. Hope you have a good support network around you to help out. Sending big hugs your way ❤️❤️
helpful (0) 
 Could it be he’s having an online affair?
helpful (0) 
 I thought it was impossible that my husband was having an affair too, but hey, I was wrong...... someone else mentioned online affair. on another note, its a bit weird that he is NEVER alone. Maybe he's feeling a bit suffocated and needs some space. Living and working at home, rarely leaving and always having someone with him when he does is full on. No excuse for what he said, but there has go be something going on with him.
helpful (1) 

Try and stop the sobs for a second hun. If he comes back use him and his money, get ur hair done and get a few new items of clothing with his $ and then find your inner strength to leave him! You deserve far better than that pig. There is no part of you that should even question why he said that to you, or question yourself as a person. You deserve better than that. Someone that loves you unconditionally! And that wants to spend time with you. Let this jerk go! Or better, give him his marching orders xxx you can do this ❤️❤️

 Who’s to say she doesn’t have her own money to get her hair done, f**k maybe she had it done yesterday!!! Why buy cloths before kicking his arse to the curb.

It sounds like you have money issues with your partner

helpful (2) 
 If she still has access to money she should actually start setting herself up NOW. Do not waste any more time, love. Even if things work our for you two, and I hope they do, at least you have shown some strength and dignity and he knows he can't mess with you! I have been on the receiving end of a similar situation and sometimes they just get more cruel and horrible and then start spreading lies about you to cover their own a*s so they don't look like the bad guy. I am not saying this will happen and I really do hope things turn around for the two of you. But please care for yourself and the kids because he is not. Get support, get strong, get help wherever you can. He is being very cruel and I am sorry.
helpful (0) 
 I agree with the idea of setting up a secret bank account to save $$$. Put away as much as you can. This will be your 'Fu*k You' money, when you've had enough or things go sour, you have some backup money to make some choices immediately.
helpful (0) 
 Whose to say I have any money issues with my hubby? We share money? Which is why I’d use it to make myself feel that EENCY bit better after being kicked in the guts by him. And then kick him out.
helpful (0) 
 Hey there, I didn't mean to imply you had any money issues, my apologies. My suggestion was to create a fall back plan. Sometimes when shit hits the fan & it's all over before you can say 'what the fu*k .....' the back account has been cleared out. It's more of a protect yourself financially idea.
helpful (1) 
 I don’t have any money issues in my family (at all) and my husbands family are quite comfortable but if my husband said something horribly cruel to me. This would be particularly true if it was a continued pattern of behaviour that he dismissed/denied/deflected, I might be hurt enough to punish him financially buy spending his money frivolously (an episode of the sopranos highlights this behaviour in hurting spouses). It would be purely to get a reaction, it would be petty and immature. My husband is not cruel by any measure so this is non issue for us but don’t assume that rich people won’t take you for all you are worth even if you aren’t worth much, to destabilise someones finances is to destabilise their existence. It can be a jugular move, its not inherently a poverty move. Poor people are usually pretty average at getting resources out of anyone, usually they aren’t social advanced enough to manipulate others to that extent, generally speaking of course
helpful (0) 
 You may not have any money issues now, OP but the way he is behaving, you may have soon. That's where I was coming from. Please, from someone who has been there, get your legal and financial situation sorted asap.
helpful (4) 

Any update OP?

 He is having an affair
helpful (0) 
 Really, how did you find out? I'm so upset to hear this. Thinking of you.
helpful (0) 
 Who knows if that was the op that posted that ^
helpful (4) 

So the fact that you have been fighting a lot recently means that there are issues there that you guys are really battling.. let me just add that I think in EVERY relationship, it gets to a point that this happens and it’s either a make or break, or it’s a put up with it and live a depressing life ever after. No one’s relationships are perfect and these interactions come out when people are really unhappy, and yes as I said, a lot of people get to this point. Either one person is growing a little faster than the other, or they feel their life together is not the life they wanted(usually this actually doesn’t seem to be related to the spouse but to just the couple getting lazy and complacent- which is like the Australian thing to do). I mean there are lots of reasons, but ultimately he showed a massive lack of maturity to not express it except in the heat of the moment, but as a tool to inflict pain since he’s in a lot of pain. If you want my advice I’d say, back off. Let him come home, do his crap, and tell him that you’d like to talk about what happened when he has calmed down as this is obviously not the life you(you not him) want to be living, but it’s important to get this out in open so you can move forward. Find a time, and just listen. Rehearse a spiel about how you have been feeling but a tip is- which i know is almost impossible but please do- do not mention kids as an excuse.. talk about you and acknowledge your failings if you feeel you have them. You guys can grow from this, but only if you listen and it will take a number of talks, probably even get worse before it gets better. If he’s not responding after many lessons then you’ll have your answers as well but if you love him, and I assume he loves you, then you can get through this. Lots of love

 Agreed. His trigger/stressor could be anything, if this behaviour is out of character and isn’t related to a catastrophic betrayal then you should be able to deal with this issue and recover your relationship but you are the only one who can really know where your relationship is at, in terms of longevity
helpful (1) 

Bet he didn’t go to his parents house
You should have rang him or his parents to see where he was

That's a horrible thing to say and then just leave. Honestly, I'd want to know why he thinks I'm embarrassing eg. Do I over share or make other people uncomfortable without noticing (something I could work on), or does he think I'm an ugly hoe bag, in which case see you later!

Omg I would change the locks! That’s not on!

 It’s also his house
helpful (0) 
 Yes, don't change locks but for goodness sake please please please begin sorting every area of your life out now. Best case scenario you work things out with hubby, second best case, you and the kids come through this with minimal impact.
helpful (0) 

That's very unacceptable. You know you don't deserve that. And even if you were embarrassing in public, if he loved you like you deserve, he'd still be with you in public anyway because your his wife and he would shrug it off.

 😒
helpful (0) 
 My ex use to fart loudly and sometimes display PDA in public and around family
He did it few times in public and when he did it around family I said to him it’s over
Luckily we only dated 6 weeks and didn’t move in with him

helpful (0) 
 I think OP has bigger problems than this.
helpful (0)