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Is it ok for husband to stay out all night?

In 10yrs many times hubby has 'popped in for a quiet beer' at a friends aka nonstop drinking, not contacting to say he's staying out later, me waking 3am worrying, call and he says
I may as well spend the night then he either hasn't come home or gets in at 430 or 5am like last night(after saying he will be home by dinner)He always makes out im bad for getting upset about it and his friends think im crazy. He says its normal despite not knowing any other couples that do this. It makes me feel so disrespected i feel if ur married with a family u come home to yr own bed. U plan ahead for big nights uber there and back it takes over an hr to collect the car the next day. Give yr partner eta of time home. Weve had arguments about this n I've picked him up 3/4am which he says is my choice if i want him home. Sometimes he makes me wait till he finishes his beer stretches it out over an hr then cracks another!he then sleeps till 1pm and im up with kids.We r in our 40s not teens I'm sick of it!

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Answers (31)

Do it to him a few times. See if he thinks thats 'normal'

 I’ve tried this. It’ll only give them more leeway.
helpful (0) 

No way in hell would I put up with that bullshit.. amd that's what it is, total bullshit. What a disrespectful asshole. I am angry FOR you!

My husband knows he's welcome to stay out as long as he wants. But I'm locking the door and going to bed at 11. If he's not home by then he can sleep outside. Tough luck babe I'm not your slave. He's come home late before and started carrying on out the front yelling and such, so I brought the kids into our bed (at the back of the house), pretended to be asleep and called the police anonymously about a noise complaint. When they arrived, one of them used their phone to call me and I pretended to wake up to let him in. They laughed at him. That was the last time he pulled that shit. Now he let's me know if he intends to stay out after 11 and asks if I can wait up for him or leave a key out.
As for the calls and texts while you're out. Mine does that too. I've started leaving the house with an almost flat phone. Like 20% and under of battery. I'm not using it but it's there if I need to make a call. The first time he calls I tell him that my phones going flat and if it's still got any battery left I'll text him when I'm on my way back 😈 I love the man but god damn, my alone time is precious, few and far between. I'll be fu***d if I let him dictate it.

 Can't he just take a key with him?!
helpful (1) 
 Absolutely he can, but he never does because he's "scared of losing them". Wtf are pockets even for then?!
helpful (5) 
 Wowzer you run a right ship. 😂
helpful (2) 
 Tight*
helpful (0) 
 Not really. If he wants to stay out past then he can easily take his own keys. Or he can just say hey yeah gonna be out till super late is it cool if you wait up for me.
The next morning he's going to be hungover and need rest, which leaves me with 3 kids to keep out of his hair. I can't do that properly if I'm asleep on my feet.

helpful (2) 
 Omg this made me laugh so hard!! Love it
helpful (0) 

No. That shit wouldn't fly in my house. If he wanted to carry on that way he shouldn't have got married or had kids.

Thanks ladies. I had such a bad sleep last night waiting for him and wondering if he will even come home. 5am to me is pretty much the next day anyway it was light ten mins later! He's hard to argue with as he turns everything around to be my fault or gets angry he is not good at communicating I'm going to try talking to him though. I'm also upset because he knows I wouldn't like it but does it anyway its hurtful. And the biggest thing is I took an annual leave day today for us to do some much needed work on the house and garden today as we are getting a pup this week and fences going in we have to clear the area first and some organising tasks and its lunchtime now hes still fast asleep! I'm thinking of telling him to catch an uber to get the car and also of going out tonight. I dont really have anywhere to go but could actually go to the gym browse kmart take myself for dinner and see a movie then come home at midnight its all the things i enjoy!

 Do all of that. Find a 24 hr Kmart lol
helpful (7) 
 Book into a motel with a spa and movie channel.
helpful (7) 
 Sometimes I just buy a burger and sit at the beach in my car just so I can avoid going home when I'm expected to, so my husband could go out drinking. Never asks if I want to make plans with him, and when we do they get sabotaged by him going out drinking. A*s hat
helpful (0) 

My hubby put alcohol before us for 18 years, now I’ve left and he says we can make a future without alcohol!! Too late buddy 🤣

Oh i would be pissed to i agree start doing it to him to. My husband used to do it so i started organising to take the kids out to do something fun the next day when he really needed to sleep once the kids started asking him why he never came out with us and slept all day he stopped staying out all night and doesn't go out very often now and prioritizes family over drinking

How horrible and you're right to feel disrespected. as petty as it feels I say you go out and do the same to him, prearrange with friends to stay over but don't tell him. Every tune he does it you do it until he starts breaking out in a sweat of concern to what time you'll be back. Try infirm your kids that you're not sure what time sk they are not too upset.

 Agree with this. Make sure you stay in bed until 1 pm so he has to deal with the kids.
helpful (6) 

I don't care if my partner stays out at a mates house all night. As long as I know beforehand and it isn't all the time.

I think its fine if he wants to stay out all night but its rude to not be considerate of you or your feelings. If its an all the time thing id be upset too. I wouldn't appreciate his friends thinking you're crazy either, I would hope that he says something to them about that. Its not fair on you or your kids either.

Oh I hear ya loud and clear. My hubby says it doesn't bother him if I go out and don't contact him so why should he contact me. Um because I'm home by 10pm and I drive. This was last year. We actually separated over it as one time he didn't come home till lunch time the next day I had no idea where he was. We're back together now and much better. Good luck xx

My husband does the same thing he doesn’t even call me t say where he is . Idk I just give him the silent treatment. Then I go treat myself shopping do my hair.

I would be pissed too. I’m an anxious person and have always asked that my husband text me during the night. Not telling me what he is doing as such but just touching base so I know all is ok. He messages me when he is leaving the event so I know he is on his way home.
But this all came from me “training” him as we used to fight a lot when he used to go out and come home at all hours when I was at home stressing. We have kids now too so he has changed a bit. But some of his friends think it’s ok to go out all night long and not let their partners know so guessing it’s a guy thing.
I’d def pay him back and make sure you do exactly what he does to you and if he cracks it, say to him well that’s what you do on a regular basis and I’m meant to be ok with it. If he doesn’t realize After that then he is just a selfish dick head. Good luck

I also really like the idea of doing it to him as i never have. And each time too.. When i have an odd night out to have dinner with girlfriends then chat after he will msg me a lot and tells me its getting late, he misses me, hes waiting up and wants to sleep, then, are u even coming home? Come on honey come home now etc and i go home to appease him! Not even nights out if i visit a girlfriend for coffee in the day he does it or if im shopping!or at a playdate with my toddler he tells me off for staying too long and messing with my baby's day sleep! It makes me anxious. I think a taste of his own medicine will maybe make him realise

 F**k that sound like its cautioning on the side of dv.
Reply to the first text that it’s extremely rude of you to be on your phone while catching up with someone. It is!!!
Tell him not to wait up and switch your phone on silent.

helpful (8) 
 Turn your phone off when you go out.
helpful (5) 
 He is a controlling arsehole
That’s emotional abuse

helpful (1) 

The guy is a disrespectful piece of shit. The fact you’ve gone to pick him up and he makes you wait while he finishes his beer and then sometimes even starts another shows he couldn’t give a damn about anyone but himself. I know you married him, but I think you’d be better off separating. It’s obvious he doesn’t value your relationship or the responsibilities of being a father.