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Is it ok for husband to stay out all night?

In 10yrs many times hubby has 'popped in for a quiet beer' at a friends aka nonstop drinking, not contacting to say he's staying out later, me waking 3am worrying, call and he says
I may as well spend the night then he either hasn't come home or gets in at 430 or 5am like last night(after saying he will be home by dinner)He always makes out im bad for getting upset about it and his friends think im crazy. He says its normal despite not knowing any other couples that do this. It makes me feel so disrespected i feel if ur married with a family u come home to yr own bed. U plan ahead for big nights uber there and back it takes over an hr to collect the car the next day. Give yr partner eta of time home. Weve had arguments about this n I've picked him up 3/4am which he says is my choice if i want him home. Sometimes he makes me wait till he finishes his beer stretches it out over an hr then cracks another!he then sleeps till 1pm and im up with kids.We r in our 40s not teens I'm sick of it!


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Answers (44)

Oh I hear ya loud and clear. My hubby says it doesn't bother him if I go out and don't contact him so why should he contact me. Um because I'm home by 10pm and I drive. This was last year. We actually separated over it as one time he didn't come home till lunch time the next day I had no idea where he was. We're back together now and much better. Good luck xx

My husband and I have been married 25 years and he recently started doing this and i hate it but he tells me he is not doing anything wrong he said I shouldn’t try to pick his friends for him he say like or not they are my friends one guy is a 25 year old dope dealer he says as long as the guy don’t do anything to him he is fine with it and he told me i need to find some friends and go out and have fun

 Do just that. Find some friends and go have fun and see how he likes it. Start doing your hair and nails also and dress nice while doing so. If you don't already, also start going to the gym.
helpful (2) 

Stop picking him up and get rid of him if he wants to be with drinking friends more than his wife.

 I'm completely agree. Get rid of him because HE WON'T CHANGE and you will be very unhappy. Is that how you want to live your life? Full of anxiety
and always wondering when he'll do it to you again.

helpful (0) 

Let him live. Sometimes it's good to be spontaneous. Just because you're in your 40s doesn't mean you need to be flogged out and routine. Give him a break. Just because you might have your boring expectation doesn't mean he can't get loose and have unexpected fun sometimes.

 As long as she is able to do likewise. And will he be picking her up after a boozy night with her friends..oh, and making him wait while she has a drink or two more?
helpful (2) 
 No wonder he does not want to go home. She must be bat shit crazy boring. She needs to get a life and stop sucking it out of him
helpful (1) 
 Op here.So I'm boring, he's spontaneous? Like it or not there is responsibilities in life! Ok let him be spontaneous-Whos left at home dealing with baby & kids,school run 730am next day. And collect him 5am- have to get the kids up for that & all wait while he has 'just one more' sometimes another. Have no sleep waiting for his bloody phone call worrying as he said he would be back for dinner. Be courteous enough to text and say I won't be back for dinner it will be a late one! Not that hard. Then he sleeps most of next day as hungover yet I'm expected to do everything on no sleep. Go get the car from other end of town after he finally gets up.Waste the annual leave day I had taken because some jobs had to be done urgently around the house before fencing getting done next day.If I'm boring, I'll wear that! but I call it being a grown up. I'm happy to say I haven't had to deal with this in ages I'm getting more assertive & clearer with expected communications. Still quite boring tho lol
helpful (5) 
 ^he does it because you let him.
You are an enabler.

helpful (3) 
 You must be getting something out of it if you keep allowing it.
helpful (3) 
 Yeah to above 2 commenters pretty sure I just wrote I haven't had to deal with this shit in a long time. This was a year ago lol! Not enabling. Not getting something out of it. And that's such a bullshit comment anyway obviously not the most educated :-\ And it's not happening anymore, again, we are taking about a year ago and not now.
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I am.going through the same thjng..🙄 7am this.morning he measages me can i come home when i wake well spend the day together. But thats a lie he wakes up.and starts workjng again hell just let me join him..i feel so.physically and mentally sick with this behaviour i really hope i ajnt i this position still in my 40s. My partners 29 and does this shit every other day. I dnt think i can be in this for much longer its depressing

Nope. Wouldn’t be ok for my husband. He would be divorced fairly quickly

My husband started doing this almost 2 years ago. He says he’s at his cousins house, which is a girl. On several occasions I just popped up there and he was there fixing something. Meanwhile l, I can’t get him to fix anything around our house. He thinks this is completely normal to stay out all night. He says that he don’t complain when I go places during the day. I go to the grocery store, thrift store, or to work. He doesn’t work either. He thinks I’m crazy and this behavior is ok as long as he’s not cheating. I feel your pain.

 Your husband sounds like an Arse if he doesn’t work all day and over at other people’s houses fixing their shit and not your own at your own home.
helpful (2) 

My husband is doing this to me? I don’t know what to do

I also really like the idea of doing it to him as i never have. And each time too.. When i have an odd night out to have dinner with girlfriends then chat after he will msg me a lot and tells me its getting late, he misses me, hes waiting up and wants to sleep, then, are u even coming home? Come on honey come home now etc and i go home to appease him! Not even nights out if i visit a girlfriend for coffee in the day he does it or if im shopping!or at a playdate with my toddler he tells me off for staying too long and messing with my baby's day sleep! It makes me anxious. I think a taste of his own medicine will maybe make him realise

 F**k that sound like its cautioning on the side of dv.
Reply to the first text that it’s extremely rude of you to be on your phone while catching up with someone. It is!!!
Tell him not to wait up and switch your phone on silent.

helpful (8) 
 Turn your phone off when you go out.
helpful (6) 
 He is a controlling arsehole
That’s emotional abuse

helpful (3) 

Only if he is in the watch house and can not physically come home!

I agree, he’s not being respectful, you poor thing. Hugs.

This has been my life for the past 1.5 yrs. on his days off he will go out with his work mates and not come home until 5am and me knowing that he is at some pub or club pissing money down the drain (literally). He spends almost 100hrs a week with his work mates - we are both shift workers and only get 3 days a fortnight together but chooses to spend his free time with them, is hung over the next day and always cancels plans. I can’t teme the last time we went out for dinner. he keeps doing it even though he knows how much it stresses me out and hurts me. The fact that disturbs me more is that he ghosts me when he is out, he doesn’t acknowledge my few texts (I don’t bombard him) or even phone calls. I am a step parent to his son and he leaves me at home to look after him. He calls me crazy cooked psycho dog and bitch and says I’m being difficult for getting so upset. I just want time with him ;(. He doesn’t want to talk about it when I pursue the subject and he gets mean. He also gets random Snapchat’s at all hours from one of his female workmates. The worst was when he didn’t come home from night shift, after 10 hours I went and found him at the pub Still In his work clothes drinking alone with another woman. They were sitting very close to each other, and he was looking at her like he had his dick in his hand. When he saw me standing there.. the look on his face.. I will never forget it. Like oh shit then hate ;( I was so mortified and hurt my face was burning and my heart ached I thought I was having a heart attack. I rushed out and drove home. He didn’t come home for another hour. When he did I lost my shit and screeched at him and threw his clothes out the front and wouldn’t let him in. I didn’t want any explainations as I just discovered that I loved him more than he loved me. Again I was the psycho. I was the bitch. I was the cooked one. This has resulted in very difficult breakup. He wouldn’t even talk about it and just turned the tables on me like it was all my fault when all I’d do is worship the ground he walked on. I would do early starts so I could get home earlier from a 12.5 hour shift just so could see him and hug him and tell him that I loved him so much - this is how he has repaid me. I have lost all my confidence and I have lost faith in the male species. The hurt I feel is so profound. Worse still because he was treating me like shit, his son was doing the same to me. He only just finally moved out. I packed his stuff for him because he wouldn’t and he would yell at me that I was not normal and crazy. I even helped him move his shit to the new place and he still hurls insults at me and doesn’t acknowledge his behaviour for the last 18 months has been so disrespectful- how can I test him when he acts like that. But I still care about him so maybe I am crazy. I’m even seeing a psychologist because he’s made me think that maybe I am?

 Man: *acts like a piece of shit, repeatedly*

Woman: hey stop doing that it's bullshit

Man: yOu'Re Fu***d/cRaZy/mIsTaKeN

Woman: oh you're probably right.

Baby girl, just 👏 because 👏 you👏 care👏 about👏 someone👏 doesn't👏 mean👏 you👏 should👏 be👏 with👏 them(!!!) and put up with their shit. You are not crazy because you care about his welfare. Even if you love him, that doesn't make YOU the crazy one. What kind of psycho acts like that while he's in a relationship? What kinda raggedy-a*s shady deadbeat father basically abandons his spawn to go re live his single days? What kind of bottom feeding, grubby, lowlife motherfucker tries to blame their own bullshit on their loving partner? A big fat sack of shit. That's who does those things. It'll hurt, but baby, you gotta run far and fast from this herpe of a human. He's a fu****g love sore and you deserve better. You're only crazy if you stay with him. HE 👏 IS 👏 TRASH 🙌🙌

move on to the next one, that ones broken.

helpful (4) 
 Wow I hope after writing that you can read what you’ve written and take a moment to let it sink in.
Nothing crazy about you for putting up with someone treating you like a piece of shit. You were just crazy (blind with love?) to stay.
Thank god you’re out of that relationship now. Move on and find someone that actually treats you with respect. Goodluck

helpful (1) 
 I'm sorry hon ur going thru this but geez was glad to read u broke up with him. What he's doing is projecting all the blame on u and messing with your head. You deserve soooo much more. He was disrespectful and took advantage obviously trying to have the best of both worlds. Don't look back now. The counselling is a good idea not because yr crazy but to help u process and realign to see things clearly not how he tried to paint them and to move on stronger so u never put up with this shit again.
helpful (2) 
 You probably are crazy. Only a crazy person would write such a long answer
helpful (0) 
 ^^ no need to be mean just because your life is sad and lonely, you silly little sunshine
helpful (3) 

My sons father did that to me once. That's why he's now my ex

 Yes I would be the same. Now that we are married I would never let this happen to me. I can’t believe what I’m reading. I could never forgive him.
helpful (1)