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Is it ok for husband to stay out all night?

In 10yrs many times hubby has 'popped in for a quiet beer' at a friends aka nonstop drinking, not contacting to say he's staying out later, me waking 3am worrying, call and he says
I may as well spend the night then he either hasn't come home or gets in at 430 or 5am like last night(after saying he will be home by dinner)He always makes out im bad for getting upset about it and his friends think im crazy. He says its normal despite not knowing any other couples that do this. It makes me feel so disrespected i feel if ur married with a family u come home to yr own bed. U plan ahead for big nights uber there and back it takes over an hr to collect the car the next day. Give yr partner eta of time home. Weve had arguments about this n I've picked him up 3/4am which he says is my choice if i want him home. Sometimes he makes me wait till he finishes his beer stretches it out over an hr then cracks another!he then sleeps till 1pm and im up with kids.We r in our 40s not teens I'm sick of it!

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Answers (42)

Oh I hear ya loud and clear. My hubby says it doesn't bother him if I go out and don't contact him so why should he contact me. Um because I'm home by 10pm and I drive. This was last year. We actually separated over it as one time he didn't come home till lunch time the next day I had no idea where he was. We're back together now and much better. Good luck xx

Stop picking him up and get rid of him if he wants to be with drinking friends more than his wife.

 I'm completely agree. Get rid of him because HE WON'T CHANGE and you will be very unhappy. Is that how you want to live your life? Full of anxiety
and always wondering when he'll do it to you again.

helpful (1) 

Let him live. Sometimes it's good to be spontaneous. Just because you're in your 40s doesn't mean you need to be flogged out and routine. Give him a break. Just because you might have your boring expectation doesn't mean he can't get loose and have unexpected fun sometimes.

 As long as she is able to do likewise. And will he be picking her up after a boozy night with her friends..oh, and making him wait while she has a drink or two more?
helpful (3) 
 No wonder he does not want to go home. She must be bat shit crazy boring. She needs to get a life and stop sucking it out of him
helpful (2) 
 Op here.So I'm boring, he's spontaneous? Like it or not there is responsibilities in life! Ok let him be spontaneous-Whos left at home dealing with baby & kids,school run 730am next day. And collect him 5am- have to get the kids up for that & all wait while he has 'just one more' sometimes another. Have no sleep waiting for his bloody phone call worrying as he said he would be back for dinner. Be courteous enough to text and say I won't be back for dinner it will be a late one! Not that hard. Then he sleeps most of next day as hungover yet I'm expected to do everything on no sleep. Go get the car from other end of town after he finally gets up.Waste the annual leave day I had taken because some jobs had to be done urgently around the house before fencing getting done next day.If I'm boring, I'll wear that! but I call it being a grown up. I'm happy to say I haven't had to deal with this in ages I'm getting more assertive & clearer with expected communications. Still quite boring tho lol
helpful (10) 
 ^he does it because you let him.
You are an enabler.

helpful (4) 
 You must be getting something out of it if you keep allowing it.
helpful (4) 
 Yeah to above 2 commenters pretty sure I just wrote I haven't had to deal with this shit in a long time. This was a year ago lol! Not enabling. Not getting something out of it. And that's such a bullshit comment anyway obviously not the most educated :-\ And it's not happening anymore, again, we are taking about a year ago and not now.
helpful (5) 

I am.going through the same thjng..🙄 7am this.morning he measages me can i come home when i wake well spend the day together. But thats a lie he wakes up.and starts workjng again hell just let me join him..i feel so.physically and mentally sick with this behaviour i really hope i ajnt i this position still in my 40s. My partners 29 and does this shit every other day. I dnt think i can be in this for much longer its depressing

My husband and I have been married 25 years and he recently started doing this and i hate it but he tells me he is not doing anything wrong he said I shouldn’t try to pick his friends for him he say like or not they are my friends one guy is a 25 year old dope dealer he says as long as the guy don’t do anything to him he is fine with it and he told me i need to find some friends and go out and have fun

 Do just that. Find some friends and go have fun and see how he likes it. Start doing your hair and nails also and dress nice while doing so. If you don't already, also start going to the gym.
helpful (3) 

Nope. Wouldn’t be ok for my husband. He would be divorced fairly quickly

I agree, he’s not being respectful, you poor thing. Hugs.

My husband is doing this to me? I don’t know what to do

My husband started doing this almost 2 years ago. He says he’s at his cousins house, which is a girl. On several occasions I just popped up there and he was there fixing something. Meanwhile l, I can’t get him to fix anything around our house. He thinks this is completely normal to stay out all night. He says that he don’t complain when I go places during the day. I go to the grocery store, thrift store, or to work. He doesn’t work either. He thinks I’m crazy and this behavior is ok as long as he’s not cheating. I feel your pain.

 Your husband sounds like an Arse if he doesn’t work all day and over at other people’s houses fixing their shit and not your own at your own home.
helpful (2) 

I’m so sorry - I’m in a similar situation. I have a newborn and my husband goes for a couple of beers... ends up back at 5am. I feel so hurt as I also have our other 4 more children the next day while he plays one of his sports. He has tried to pretend there is no issue and made comments like “you gonna be mardy all day” but I’m not taking it. I’m not pretending it didn’t happen .... just remember if we went out for a couple of drinks with a friend and cake in next morning ... we would probably be kicked out with accusations of cheating! You aren’t 18.... your middle aged with a family which you chose! Don’t walk over the women that love and support you and your family!!!

 I wonder if its a midlife crisis? I agree the women wd be accused of all sorts and expected to get up with the kids still. I think we married boys not men is what it comes down to. *hugs *
helpful (0) 

I also really like the idea of doing it to him as i never have. And each time too.. When i have an odd night out to have dinner with girlfriends then chat after he will msg me a lot and tells me its getting late, he misses me, hes waiting up and wants to sleep, then, are u even coming home? Come on honey come home now etc and i go home to appease him! Not even nights out if i visit a girlfriend for coffee in the day he does it or if im shopping!or at a playdate with my toddler he tells me off for staying too long and messing with my baby's day sleep! It makes me anxious. I think a taste of his own medicine will maybe make him realise

 F**k that sound like its cautioning on the side of dv.
Reply to the first text that it’s extremely rude of you to be on your phone while catching up with someone. It is!!!
Tell him not to wait up and switch your phone on silent.

helpful (8) 
 Turn your phone off when you go out.
helpful (6) 
 He is a controlling arsehole
That’s emotional abuse

helpful (4) 

My sons father did that to me once. That's why he's now my ex

 Yes I would be the same. Now that we are married I would never let this happen to me. I can’t believe what I’m reading. I could never forgive him.
helpful (1) 

Only if he is in the watch house and can not physically come home!