Ask SAHM is a place where you can ask our staff & community a question safely & anonymously. Please read our disclaimer.

Dilemma

My son (he has Autism) goes to school near where we live (year 2) and we have a block of land we are paying off until we can borrow the money to build. My husband and I along with our 4 children currently live with my parents. My husband wants to sell the block and move half hour away for work and pull my son out of his current school as there isn't a bus that can take him to his current school and move to another one. I could drive him but 3 days I work at the same place as my husband in the place half hour away.

I don't want to go as our son is settled in his little school, he loves his teacher etc, I don't want to completely disrupt him when he is happy. I'm scared of him going too far backwards from being in a new environment with people he has never seen for the sake of half an hour. I want to build our home on the block we worked so hard to buy.

My husband has given me the ultimatum (I effing hate those) to move the half hour with him or he is going without us.

I'm so torn.

Report

Got an Answer?


Answers (10)

You have to do what's best for your family even though I think your husband is being a complete asshole.
Why is he unable to drive half and hour without complaining when many many people commute much more for that.
Honestly I'd say to him off you toddle.

If that was my husband I would say I don't give in to ultimatums. Call his bluff. If he loves his kids then he will stay. If he doesn't give a crap then let him go. Put the ball back in his court. He seems like he doesn't understand what a move could do to your son or doesn't care. Maybe it's the issue of living with your parents. How long have you been there for? If a long time maybe he is just desperate for space (living with my in-laws would be a nightmare). Could you comprimise with him and suggest moving out of in-laws but still live near the school. Take him to some house inspections

OP We have been here for a couple of years and he is definitely desperate to move lol but I can't blame him. My parents go in the caravan a lot for 3 months at a time but they have been back for a while now due to health reasons but they are now under control so they are off again soon.

I have said I am happy to move out but I want to be somewhere our son can still catch the bus to his current school but he is having none of it unfortunately.

helpful (0) 

Tell him he can move, he probably won't. No different in my three year old uninviting me to his birthday party, just trying to manipulate you into doing what you want him to.

OP My thoughts exactly
helpful (0) 

A half hour commute is reasonable and no reason to uproot the family and move especially if you commute with him three times a week. Your husband is being a dick and not putting you or his kids first. I would call him out on his bullshit and let him go. He better get a better job to pay for his own place if he decides to move without you.

 Its not really clear whether thats what the ultimatum is about though. I agree half hour is nothing, but maybe its because he cant handle living with her parents anymore? That might be a real strain.
helpful (0) 
OP It has been a strain as of late and I completely understand. I have told him I am happy to move out somewhere as long as our son can catch a bus to his current school.
helpful (0) 

Tell him to stop being a selfish prick and grow up. You need to do what is best for your whole family. All of you. It may involve compromise from both of you. Good luck.

Tell your husband that he is responsible for sorting out your son if he wants to move. Maybe he can change his work hours so he can do more school pickups. Does your son go to OSCH?

It's hard to move with "normal" children. My son is on the spectrum as well. He survived a move. It was hard as all hell for a bit. We did some days at the new school and some at the old school to help him trasnition over 10 weeks. I made arrangements to visit his old school, occasionally, once we were fully settled in the new one. We kept him in some of the same activities though the drive sucked (hour each way). I set up playdates mixing old friends and new friends at a halfway point. We started preparing him about 2 mos before, doing 1 day a week at the new school, driving by the new house, involving him in plans for decorating his new room, wrapping and packing things, purging old clothes and toys, etc. Being a part of the process and having an adjustment period helped a lot. He's still "pen pals" and meets up with with many of his old classmates 2 years later. He's also began to build friendships in his new school and stopped asking when we could move back.

 What is normal ?
helpful (0) 
 I was referring to neurotypical children without a developmental, psychological, or physical diagnosis.
helpful (0) 

For a start I'd be pulling him up on the ultimatum. Presumably this is his son too, and he should be accommodating to his sensitivities. If he doesn't give a shit about his own childs happiness, then the ultimatum has answered itself. Why can't it wait until at least the end of the school year? Then you can reassess how you're all feeling about it, and see how your financial situation looks with regards to the land.