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I really need to know if I'm in the wrong.

A month ago my husband told me his ex wife was moving interstate, and his two daughters are coming to live with us as they don't want to move. I went off because he didn't discuss it with me first. He said his kids are his priority, which is fine, but there isn't anywhere to put them. I have a boy and a girl and live in a small three bedroom house. Three girls in a tiny bedroom isn't going to work, especially as one will have to sleep on a trundle bed. His suggestions are basically going to make life hell for us all particularly my kids. I was asked if I wanted to house sit for three months, and I accepted, to give his girls a chance to decide if they want permanently live with their dad then we can look at what to do. My husband feels like I have abandoned him, I think he is more upset that I won be paying half the bills and my daughter won't be able to walk his girls home from school and he will have to pay for osch. He just has no idea, he thinks it will be cheaper not paying cs.

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Answers (29)

You know everyone is a little too comfortable these days. 40 to 50 years those kids would been jammed in a room together & no one would have battered an eyelid. You do what you need to do to get by. You're being a little precious. Make it work. Look at it as a challenge, an excuse to clean out some junk from the house to make some room for their stuff. Stop complaining & start thinking about it practically.

 👍
helpful (5) 
 9 kids in my Dad's family...they grew up in a 3 bedroom house, even shared beds!
helpful (1) 
 Oh come on. Your dad probably didn’t go to university, times are so different it’s not even funny
helpful (1) 

I feel so sorry for these girls they are basically being abandoned by their Mum. Great that Dad has given them a place to stay no questions asked but then you turn around and have a dummy spit and leave, how wanted must these girls feel right now?

 Their step dad has been moved interstate for work, they don't want to go. I think they have a few issues getting along with him and saw an opportunity to escape. I think they will miss their mum and change their mind, so want to give it some time before we make permanent decisions. Can you imagine how much fun it's going to be for them squashed into a tiny house, not able to bring most of their stuff? They won't be allowed in their bedroom because their sister is doing homework, one will have to keep her stuff in my son's room so will have to ask perhaps to get her clothes if he is in there. I don't think they will feel very welcome.
helpful (0) 
 That’s the arrangement you are putting place though. You could find a way to keep their stuff in your room so they don’t feel awful going into your sons room. Or you could try and move the entire house around before being negative saying it will be awful for them. I feel that’s a massive cop out. Sorry.
helpful (4) 
 The husband still should have discussed with his wife about his girls coming to live with them. Also, the wife should have discussed the house sitting with the husband before excepting it. Although, as a retaliation, I can totally understand.
helpful (6) 
  I regret initially liking this original comment. it is a good one, but now seeing all the Details I regret it. Sorry op of this question!
helpful (1) 
 Move the house around how? There are three bedrooms, a bathroom and a small open plan lounge/dining and kitchen. We could use the lounge, but the girls wouldn't get any privacy. We could keep the girls all in together, but is it fair to the girls not being allowed in their room most of the time.
helpful (0) 
 Perhaps you and your husband move to a smaller bedroom and the 3 girls have the biggest bedroom?
helpful (1) 
 After this year yes that would work, but my daughter is doing year 12 this year and needs space to study and escape the rest of us.
helpful (0) 
 So why can’t you put a study in the garage that way you won’t get busted for the conversion. And your daughter has her own space

These are very obvious and simple solutions to your issues

helpful (1) 
 And study in 40 degree heat?
helpful (1) 
 Or in the freezing cold?
helpful (1) 
 Buy a heater, buy a fan, buy a blanket? Majority of the time the weather will be fine she won't still be doing year 12 next summer will she?
helpful (2) 
 Exams are in the heat where I am
helpful (0) 
 You’re so good at arguing I’m starting to think you’re trolling
helpful (7) 
 If study space is an issue most school libraries are open after school hours, local libraries have study space as well. Noise cancelling headphones (studies show listening to music whilst cramming actyally helps information retention and recall). Set times (eg: 4 - 7) are study times so no playing in the room. Set up a study space in your room.
helpful (3) 
 *actually
helpful (0) 
 That would be true if he had discussed it with her first but he didn't
helpful (0) 

You are both in wrong..
You leaving to go house sit sounds like your way out of the situation.. you might as well sign the divorce papers now?

Your excuses here are sounding very weak, I think it's obvious from your attitude that you just don't want them and don't want to even try to make it work.

 She definitely doesn't see her husband's kids as part of her family!
helpful (5) 
 You guys sound like gossips from a soapie
helpful (0) 
 Mrs Mangles
helpful (2) 
 Yeah nah. Year 12 is actually important
helpful (1) 
 So are her husband's kids!
helpful (6) 
 He can still have his kids with him if I don't live with him.
helpful (0) 
 But won’t that be hard on you’re darling 17 ups studies in another small place 😂😂😂
helpful (1) 
 This post is so upsetting to me as a divorced parent. I hope my boys stepmum never treats them as second best and not part of their own family.
helpful (5) 
 Then stay with the father of your kids.
helpful (2) 

You're throwing a tantrum because he's prioritised his children over you.
It's clear and so sad.
You could definitely fit them in if you wanted to! Convert the garage, buy a caravan, give the three girls the master room..
You wont though bevause "as above". You're a shitty person.

 Wanker bully
helpful (0) 
 Totally. I’d love her to put herself in the situation for a day once she reads the details and actually uses a brain
helpful (2) 

Is there a garage you can turn into a room for 17yo daughter? If garage is full of crap, buy a shed and put said crap in there. Problem here isn’t the my kids your kids business. It’s the lack of communication between you both. You signed into this knowing he has kids so eventually a blended family situation would’ve been on the cards at some stage due to: death, moving states etc
Put it this way he won’t be choosing you over his kids, so both of you sit down and find a way to make it work. You live in a house not a tin shed. Find the room and make it work.
What’s the bills have to do with it? I don’t get that part. Reverse the situation you’d want to be married to someone who would accept your children and make room for them any day of the week. Good luck

 Totally agree...if you're in a relationship with someone that has children you should understand that custody arrangements could change at anytime.
helpful (4) 
 Yes definitely lack of communication. Husband thinks we will be ok and should just get on with it. I refuse to live like that, and he doesn't like my suggestion of movie as it will cost more.
helpful (1) 

Why don't people think when they buy a house with someone? How many kids you each have and the long term chances that all the kids are going to be wanting their own space? Why wouldn't you have thought of getting a 4 bedroom house? I don't understand. My ex did this with his car, bought a 5 seater car then whinged that he couldn't take our kids his new partner and their child anywhere together. I don't get how people don't think of these things when making huge financial commitments. Poor planning and lack of both communication and foresight is at fault here. You are both at fault. You need another bedroom or a bigger house, all of your children need to be catered for.

 I groaned in empathy when I read this 🤦‍♀️, I have 5 children, all with my ex husband and he also went and bought a little 5 seater sedan. Smh. And wants to swa pop cars every 2 weeks. Ugh. Not a big deal but, my gosh.
helpful (0) 
 *swap
helpful (0) 
 We couldn't afford a bigger house, we still can't. We could rent but it will cost more than the mortgage now. My suggestion is to see if the girls stay and rent our place out and rent another place.
helpful (2) 
 Yes & everyone has unlimited resources don't they?
helpful (3) 
 No but why would you buy a 3 bedroom house when you have 4 kids with 3 of the same sex?? I wouldn't, waste of money.
helpful (1) 

So he was happy to pay half the bills when it was just him and you and your kids but you can't do the same when his kids are there. You're all supposed to be one family, or does that only work when his kids aren't in the picture? You seem more worried about how much his kids cost rather than the fact they are your partner's children and equal to your own. Aren't you lucky he didn't think as shallow as you and just got up and left one day because your kids cost too much?


 Op has said she contributes more to the bills with her kids there and they half the mortgage
helpful (1) 
 This comment should be a good wake up call!!!
helpful (0) 
 Lol. He doesn't financially contribute to my kids. We bought the small place because I couldn't afford a bigger one, he could have, but I couldn't. It's biting him on the bum now.
helpful (0) 
 Oh, so he did that thing? What's it called again? Compromise! That's it. Fancy that. Pretty rare these days. And yes I bet he is regretting his decision to buy with you now, that was a bit silly.
helpful (3) 
 Omg pot meet kettle🤦
helpful (1) 
 He sounds cheap. I would move out too, he just wants free child care.
helpful (0) 

I think overall it just seems very much an us versus them kind of thing as opposed to all being family. Essentially if the 4 kids were your and your husband's together, you'd make it work. But anyhow, best of luck to you all, I hope it works out and your relationships don't suffer because of it.

You’ve literally asked am I wrong.
The majority consensus is yes you are.
And you’re still using the same arguments you used with your husband to try and convince us you’re not wrong.
You are wrong.
Converting the garage is 100% doable.

And to add my own experience I lived in a 2 bedroom with my sister and two step sibling (one brother one sister) as a teenager for years.
Their mum died.
Sure it was a bit sticky sometimes but we were family.

I think it sounds like what’s missing here you don’t see yourselves as family.
If you really did this wouldn’t be a problem.
You would see those kids as your kids and there would be a way.

 It's not just the bedroom issue, it's lots of things if we all want to watch a movie two of us don't get chairs, we can't all sit at the table and have dinner at the same time.
helpful (0) 
 If we convert the garage we will get caught, fined told to change it back. We could just use it as is, but which child gets put in a room that will be too hot or cold to use most of the time?
helpful (0) 
 Floor cushions, we use them and we have space. Buy a new dining table that extends out an in so doesn’t take up the space when needed.

There is a solution to every one of your “reasons” but ultimately you don’t want them to live there with you in that house so you won’t see any of the solutions and just argue black n blue that you are right.


Again you asked the question, general consensus was you were wrong.
You can keep trying to add reasons but it still won’t change it.

If you see those kids as family it does not matter.

helpful (7) 
 Yes the extendable table is a good idea.
helpful (0) 

He didn’t talk to you about having his kids full time? Go house sit and let him deal with it. You’re not his sitter or his mother. Take your kids and enjoy the few months without them, I say.

 I will thanks
helpful (0) 

I would keep all your clothes etc in your room but convert it to a bedroom for the 2 younger girls that they can also play in. Buy a double fold out sofa for u and hubby to sleep in in the lounge. That way older girl still gets her own space and study area son doesn't share and 2 younger girls are together in a big room they can retreat to and play in with the door shut to give older girl peace and quiet. You and hubby probably last ones up at night any way so can just camp in lounge. Easy!

He should have at least discussed it with you first. I would be pissed too. But in a way, if you marry someone who already has kids you need to expect this could happen and prepare for it. Their mother seems selfish

 Why does the mother seem selfish?
helpful (0) 
 I think if mother was selfish she would have taken the kids. This way she's given them a choice and dad the opportunity to stay close. How does that make her selfish?
helpful (2) 
 12 and 8 is too young to be given a choice like that. The Mum is being selfish, obviously home is stressful if the girls don't like their step dad so she took the easy way.
helpful (0) 

Yes you are in the wrong. We are a mixed family with 7 kids and only 5 bedrooms, they are all either young adults or teenagers and only 3 of them live at home. They are all welcome back no matter what. We would make space for them (no chance of sharing😂). If they were your children would you ask your partner if they are "allowed" to live with you? No? Then it should be the same for him. Either live separately or get a bigger house. These girls should be just as welcome at your place as your own children are. If they are not then the relationship should end for the kids benefit.

OP We will have four kids with two bedrooms to put them in.
helpful (0) 
 Yes, we are outnumbered by kids to bedrooms as well. 9 people in our family vs 5 bedrooms. If we ran out of bedrooms we would make the room! I would never say no to my or my step kids living here.
helpful (5) 
OP Making room isn't an option. I wouldn't have said no, they are lovely girls we just need time to make sure they are comfortable. I can't make them sleep in the lounge room.

helpful (0) 
 Just trust your gut op. You’ve got some ideas on how other people would consider the situation but we are not in your shoes, house or relationship. Try be as open and honest to your partner without getting angry but to honestly seek temporary solution to this struggle, and hopefully he can see long term realities too. Goodluck you sound like you are really trying
helpful (1) 
 Maybe you could give up your bedroom, and you sleep in the lounge?
helpful (2) 
 I haven't read all the comments, but yes you can make them sleep in the lounge room. My teenage boy just got this pretty cool bunk desk set up and moved into the lounge room.you can't even tell it's a bed really, just looks like a fancy desk little area and it was a cheapy off facebook.

I have also had a child move in with us without discussing with my new husband.
Because at the end of the day, sure he's my husband but they are children number one and like you want your children to come first, your husband wants his girls to.

helpful (5) 

If they are young enough for ohsc they are not old enough to have 'chosen' to stay in the state. Think about it! They are kids they need someone to look out for them. If you are only worried about 'yours' then you aren't think about this as a family