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My daughter possibly has a horrible step mum.

My ex and I share care of our daughter. She is 11 and has made some comments about her time with dad that worry me. She has said how clever she is learning to mop and scrub and and once made a comment about being value for child support. I have tried to question her on it and she said she helps her step mum with jobs. I think its great she helps out but she comes back exhausted sometimes. She is happy to visit so I don't know if im worrying about nothing. Should I ask her dad about it not sure if I want to rock the boat over nothing.


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Answers (14)

I would ask what jobs she does at the house because you're doing a jobs list for her and don't want her doing the same jobs at your place as well as there house. Also mention how tired she was when she got home, what time is she going to sleep/waking up. That will give you some sort of direction as to if she's doing too much, and go from there

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value for child support? that's disgusting

 I really hope not.
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 i would be FURIOUS
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Me exes partner is very nice to me as well, but my kids have a very different view of her. They see her behind closed doors and see her true colours, I don't. I believe what they tell me, especially after having a "nice as pie" stepmother myself. Don't ever think she's OK just because she seems nice. If something doesn't seem right to you then it probably isn't !

 I was really hoping it was all in my head. Poor girl.
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Definitely ask her Dad !! Where would an 11 year old get "value for child support", I would feel sick if my kids said that. Are there other children at the house ??

 There is a baby I think would be nearly one. The other day she picked up her toys and said am I being good value for child support. I am hoping it was said and she was just repeating it in the wrong context.
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 I really don't know what advice to give, but that sounds horrible. Someone would have to have said that to her. She should not have to ever think she needs to work to be value for child support, I'd be trying to get to the bottom of that remark
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 The thing is her and her dad have a fantastic relationship and his wife seems so nice. She came home today and slept on the couch for an hour until I woke her. I really hope there is an explanation for it all.
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Thanks for all the concern I called my daughters step mum last night and she was very upset and glad I told her. She has been unwell and her mum has been looking after both the kids and thinks it probably came from her. Her mum has always been resentful over the fact step mum has to look after my daughter when she visits as dad works. I asked that can she pls not leave my daughter with her mum again I was assured that won't happen again.

 What an old bitch ! But that has worked out well in the long run, I'm glad she was so understanding and didn't get her hackles up. Well done to both of you for sorting it out like adults.
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 Wow, that is absolutely disgusting and maybe the mum needs to get over the fact that her daughter married someone with a child. On a side note it is fantastoc that the step mum was so honest and that it is all sorted.
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 I (and my daughter) are very lucky to have her.
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I'm a step mum who was falsely accused of being very strict and saying nasty things (one example was when I supposedly said how dumb one child was in an allegedly overheard conversation). I was the parent who helped with homework, taught the kids responsibility, had 'the talk', did all the things that weren't being covered in their mothers household. Now I'm not saying AT ALL that this is the case for you, but trying to make you aware that things aren't always as they seem and it's always easier to see the step parent as the one who is lacking or doesn't come up to scratch as a parent, but it's not necessarily a fair judgement. By all means listen to your daughter, but be objective about what you hear. You will hear a lot more worse things as she gets older and struggles for getting things her own way, or sympathy attention ((this is typical adolescent behaviour so don't feel it's an attack on her). The child support comment could have come from anywhere, and while inappropriate, try not to over think it at this point. Consider things over time and if there are further questionable instances, certainly query it with both the ex and his partner. You may not like having to liaise with her but the fact is she is co-parenting your child and has the right to be involved in discussions relating to her (obviously there are financial obligations from them in support of the child which effects her too). If you feel that there is an extreme issue of which you believe she is a problem, then of course it is acceptable to approach the ex with your concerns, but remember to be practical and factual and objective. You obviously love your daughter and want her to be happy and safe, that's great, just remember the step mum might just want the same.

 Totally agree with this, I'm a step mum too who is constantly vilified and blamed!
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 I didn't really like my kids step mum until one of my kids was sick in hospital for a few days. I saw how worried she was when she visited. She then took my house keys out of my hand bag and said she would be back later. She went into my house tidyed up did dishes took rubbish out packed me a bag of stuff for myself and my sick child packed a bag for my other child and took him to stay with her. She took time off work to care for my not sick child and bring him into the hospital every day to visit. The childs dad was in Europe at the time and it took him a few days to get back. I don't know what I would have done without her.
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Being a step mum myself, if you feel uncomfortable with the remark then do bring it up with your ex and his wife. But do keep in mind it might have been taken out of context. You did say your daughter is still happy to go there. So don't go in there like a raging bull.
Now, I have my 7 yr old SDd help me with chores around the house. She has her set chores and then if I'm cleaning she'll often ask to help me. She does more at my house then at her mother's.
Her mother and I are different people and do things differently. But we have an open dialogue.
Hope you can sort it out.

 Would you tell your step daughter she is value for child support though?
Chores are one thing, making comments like that to a child is something completely different and taken out of context or not I don't think that sort of thing should be even be mentioned to a child.

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 No, it's not something I would say/discuss with my SD. So it probably should be discussed among the parents.
From past experience my SD's mother has over reacted on some things with us and after discussing it has had to apologise.
And, I don't know about the 11yr old, but my SD is a big eavesdropper. So the remark might have been something said between the father and Step mum and been accidentally overheard?? All I'm saying is without all the facts it's not always wise to assume the worse.
So if the discussion goes ahead, approach it calmly and judge once you've heard the full story.

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 The op has actually followed up and she spoke to the father, he said the daughter only picks up her toys and takes her plate to the kitchen, he also said he has no idea where she could have heard the value for child support statement, it is the only reason I am questioning it, if it was an overheard conversation then he could have just said 'oh shoot, just a misunderstanding' the fact that he seems to have no knowledge makes me question whether or not there is more going on then he knows about. Otherwise this little girl may have an issue with lying and it should be dealt with now rather then later.
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 Yep I'm a step mum too and I was blamed for something being said that was a complete miscommunication and out of context when my step daughter said something to her mother. She came at me all guns blazing (completely over the top) and all it did was make me step right back and try to stay out of trouble from doing normal things that may be taken the wrong way. It's awful because I had such a great relationship with my step daughter previously but now I get so stressed and anxious when she comes because I'm worried of what she might say and how its misconstrued. It's really sad. We are very different mothers and I really struggle with some things her mother does to her and I feel so separate.
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Something isn't right here... How does an 11 year old know about child support unless it has been told to her. So although doing the chores is not necessarily a bad thing and often times kids don't mind helping. But I would be checking in with dad and step mum without accusing them of wrong doing. I agree approach with caution but I would be asking some questions.

Good value for child support? Take it up with her dad and sm.

Dad honestly may not know what is going on but the term value for child support isn't something a child just makes up, hope you get it sorted with minimal issues but if step mum is saying things like this behind his back she will probably deny saying anything.
Maybe tell him you would like to do some mediation and have a third party talk to the child about what is happening, just say that if your daughter is making this sort of stuff up you would like to find out why as you don't want her lying about these kinds of things, on the other hand if it is true then maybe it is best if the step mother isn't alone with the child.

I had a terrible step mum when growing up, she would beat me and scratch me and say the cat did it when my dad came home. She would get me to clean the house, wash the bathrooms, do my washing, do the dishes and would never could for me when dad was on night shift. If it looks like its domestic abuse, it more than likely is. She would look sweet and friendly to other people, but to me, she would treat me like shit.

 ...from the age of 13-16, she treated me like this.
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 Im so sorry that must have been horrible x. I asked my daughter about it and its her step mums mum getting her to clean. She's not going back until I have worked out what is going on.
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How did you go dear? How is your little girl? The poor little lamb. I hope your ex-husband was able to shed some more light on the issue, and that it's just an innocent misunderstanding

 Thanks. I called her dad and he said he doesn't know where she would have heard that. He said the only jobs she does is pack up her toys and takes her plate to the sink. I just don't know what to make of it.
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This woman sounds resentful. It all sounds like Cinderella to be honest. Please let us know how you go xx

Child abuse don't let her near the stepmother or father again

 I doubt any legal body would class that as abuse.
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