Inequity: Should I still have to do all the SAHM chores on holiday?
Answered 3 years ago
I'm a SAHM and my husband is a good provider who bought us a boat to go away on holidays. As grateful as I am for this luxury, I also feel resentful that I still have to do all the cooking and cleaning while the family enjoys the trip.
My husband is feeling resentful that I'm complaining about the inequities of the arrangement eg; he worked hard to provide the boat, does all the navigating, engineering, maintenance, washing down etc. My take is that in reality his jobs are limited (take much less time) and are fun focussed on his leisure activities (scuba, jet skiing, fishing etc). Whilst the meals 3x a day and snacks 2x a day and all the mundane that goes along with that including 3 cabins and two bathrooms to keep clean etc that keep me "busy" in a not so fun way are virtually non stop. He cleverly calls this "playing to our strengths", I call it depressing.
Yes our kids 14b and 12g do have allocated chores but they're never done well, voluntarily or without badgering from me. Yes this problem stems for me enabling this/ not setting boundaries MUCH sooner. I regret that horse has bolted!
The feeling from my husband is that he thinks that I should be doing more without complaint and am ruining the experience. Maybe I can meal prep before we go so there's less cooking on board, relax my standards etc He has indicated that he's rather not go at all if he has to cook and I've made it clear that being perpetually stuck in the galley is not my idea for a holiday and I've asked that they cook for a change. This was met with "would rather not go at all".
My husband is getting worse with sloppiness eg leaving a mess wherever he goes, this is getting infuriating as the kids, particularly my 14 y/o son are emulating this and giving me attitude when I pull them up in it. I can't stand the disrespect of all of this and am turning into a down trodden mad woman. Really, I've turned in to a miserable nag. Please help?!
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We all do things so differently, it’s cool to explore 😊
Maybe go back to work. Tell your kids & husband no more! Get your own breakfast/lunch & dinner will be simple, like ham and salad. Complain? They can make it. Make kids clean own room/cabin. No clean clothes/sheets? Tell them to wash them! Don't want to do their part? Well, then you don't want to drive them to their friend's house. You don't have to yell & scream but you do need to be firm. Don't ask your husband about going back to work. Get a job and TELL him. He'll probably say you'll have to do it along with other work but you can say no, I'm making changes & for once everyone can adjust. They are not your bosses.
I'm so pushy because I've a friend in a similar relationship & can't do anything. It's frustrating & I'll get roasted & but I see it as her fault. She lets them do it because she doesn't want to work, fight them, or take control. She's poorly treated, has no power & is miserable, but, hey, has everything she wants. It's not a nice life.
Honestly, a SAHM of a 12 and 14 year old? You don't mention your children have any disability or reason that would stop them doing the chores you wish they would do so for this answer I'll safely assume they don't.
Realistically if the cooking is all on you, you should only be cooking dinner - Your family are all past old enough to feed themselves, surely they can make cereal, toast, sandwiches, salads, cut their own fruit. If they can't you need to teach them this!
As for cleaning, no matter where you go or stay in the world you would be required to keep your space clean and tidy, you say you are non stop cleaning but that seems like a gross exaggeration - how is it getting so disgusting that you need to clean ALL day long?
The horse has not bolted on teaching your children to pull their weight, not at all! You must do this and be firm about it now more than ever because it's important for them to grow in to capable adults.
I get it, I have teenagers and toddlers who although do their chores i'm still met with eye rolling, complaining, pretending they've broken a leg to get out of it - dealing with this behaviour and persisting, nagging them to do what they have to do is infuriating and a battle, sometimes it's all out war...
but IT IS YOUR JOB as a parent!
it can feel like only your children are like but that's simply not true, they're all difficult at times but it gets better when you persist, like anything else you teach them.
I think the real problem is not the chores, but the fact you feel sorry for yourself because you never put in the hard yards.
You've been taking the easy way out far too long. Doing everything for everyone to avoid conflict and being a parent has consequence... and, as you're now realising you can't have it both ways.
You either enable them forever and suck it up or parent them properly and toughen up.
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You are right at the core of the issues and whilst I have a couple of bolting colts due to my choices; you’ve helped me realise that it’s unlikely I’ll get my husband to drastically change sometime soon. Yes I can teach the kids with a firmer rein, I haven’t given up there. So thanks!