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Don't know how to turn my relationship with my wife around.

She is stressed with helping grand parents. Away every weekend with our daughter who is competing at state and national level. While I stay home with other child and run the farm. Lucky to have sex once a month and can tell she only doing it to make me happy.
Think I'm losing her and don't know how to fix it. I buy flowers once or twice a month and it's like it's just expected or not a surprise.

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Answers (15)

Flowers are great but they are obviously not what she needs right now and could be coming off as an empty gesture.

It sounds like there is a lot on both of your plates but not a lot of teamwork going on.

If she is stressed she may be resentful that she has to do so much and it doesn’t look like you are.
Can you just ask what needs to be done and work as a team to offload some of the stress.

As other commentators have said, small meaningful gestures are good. Like making her favourite meal or cuddles on the couch or handholding.

She is tired and stressed and possibly resentful so until that changes she probably won’t want sex ( at least I know I wouldn’t)

I think men forget that, most men, will literally go at it any time, any where, and in some cases, almost any one if they weren't tied down by marriage or commitment. We are wired so differently. Women go through that too, but it changes with hormones. In my opinion, Sex for some women, when she is not stimulated and in the mood, feels like torture. Yes you love your husband, sex is not always about love, you can have sex without loving someone and when you are giving your body over, even though you mentally, physically or emotionally aren't wanting to at that point in time, is horrible. Even if you 'love' someone. So you give yourself over, occasionally you enjoy it, but often not and resentment kicks in. Putting out for a pouting man. Men just can't accept that women are different that way. You go blindly in to marriage thinking your wife will pop out children, yet still be the same and up for the same thing. Go and have a wank. No one seems willing to project ahead and consider ''will she gain weight, will she get busy with kids, will our sex life die, if it does, is this enough..etc etc''. Same with women and their men. The obvious answer for many is YES YES YES, yet you still all go get married LOL The same can be said for women too, but honestly the physical changes one experiences after birth can not be compared to that of a man. Does anyone not look at their parents, the couples around them and project ahead a little at what life most likely will be like? LOL

Hormones affect our relationships so heavily. In a long term relationship the hormones change. At this stage it becomes crucial to enjoy NEW experiences together (a new cafe, holiday destination, food, tv show), the NEW activity helps to generate similar hormones which are naturally created during the early stages of a relationship and strengthen your bond. Additionally oxytocin is a powerful hormone which strengthens bonds and is generated through touch - such as hand holding, massage, and even during sleep if you are touching one another skin to skin. Best of luck to you.

 This is amazing ..
helpful (0) 

We had similar issues a few years ago he was always working back late and I worked weekends. THere was barely any communication, affection and sex. Neither of us were getting our needs met. I bought the book ‘his needs her needs how to affair proof your marriage’ and it was the best thing ever. Although he wouldnt read it I concentrated on meeting his needs. At the time it felt like I put in 90% and he was putting in 10%. Our communication improved and I explained how desperately I wanted my needs meet to. Our marriage is now the best it has ever been. Anyway I’m a strong believer that one person can turn a relationship around. Good luck.

 Hmm good advice lll take this advice thanks :)
helpful (1) 
 This is so typical. The wife doing all the work. If my marriage to my husband was so bad that I needed to get a book to help and he refused to at least make the effort to read it that would show me how little he valued it. He has taken you for a ride and you fell for it.
helpful (1) 

It’s amazing what we can actually cope with when we feel we are not alone. Get her to agree to set aside one meal a week (or if away and too busy, then the first Monday of the month) where there are no phones, kids, tv - just the 2 of you. I did this with my hubby when I was feeling a little lost and left out. I wrote out and folded up about 10 little conversation starters and popped them in a jar. During dinner we took turns picking one out, reading it, and each giving our answers. The idea is to create a connection again (not to get the answers you want). Questions we used were: what is something you’ve always wanted to do, but haven’t yet? If you could visit any place on Earth, where and why? If you were left a small hut on a deserted island, what would you do with it? What has been your greatest accomplishment? You can make up your own questions, but for me, I wanted to know what he was thinking, what he felt he was missing out on, what he saw as positive in his life. It opened the way for some great talk time, and he started guessing (correctly) what my answers were going to be. We are such complete opposites and it gave us a chance to appreciate our differences and the way that our marriage can work regardless. Good luck, I wish you well in however you handle this season of your relationship 💕

Book a family holiday somewhere where you can and your wife can relax and the kids can play. Plan it properly make sure there are no competitions and set up someone else to look after the grandparents for a week. If you can communicate with them let them know your plans.
Or if that's not possible go with her to the competitions one time?
She probably feels as though she's loosing herself too.

The problem is people look for someone who they think they will be passionately in love with, weekends away, dinners, etc. rooting like rabbits for eternity like in the Notebook etc. Instead people need to look for someone with whom they love in the sense of caring deeply for, who is a 'companion' and literally someone you can see surviving the day to day mundane shit with, - basically growing old with, who will care for you and vice versa. Go and chat to the oldies in the retirement home who have been together since lord knows what age. I'm sure they will tell you how hectic, busy, stressful, disconnected AND sex free their marriage was. You are not losing her at all - you just want more nookie and your idea of connection seems to be more about that than a woman's idea of 'intimacy'. Back off about the sex thing. Think if she were critically unwell, are you going to look back and care about the sex or lack there of with her - or would you just miss HER. She probably feels a bit of resentment too because she is putting out even though she really doesn't want too but knows another month's passed by so better dish something out to keep you from straying and then blaming her / lack of sex as the reason LOL

 As a female who gets rejected for sex by her husband I have to disagree. Sex IS important in a marriage. It can be one of the strongest needs for either partner. If this need doesn’t get met resentment builds your self esteem suffers and if someone else comes along who enthusiastically wants to fulfill this need it is going to be almost impossible to turn them down.
helpful (3) 
 Definitely but it is so normal for marriages to go through significant hic ups and breaks with sex and mismatched libido. And either the high libido puts pressure on the other, or the other feels rejected. I'd say it's totally normal, it's just that many these days can call it quits or find someone else etc. and don't stick with it long enough to come out happily on the other end of the issue.
helpful (3) 

I’m sorry. I’m in the same boat only he’s away for work and I’m on the farm. I’d adore flowers. No help just letting you know that many marriages experience this. Mine is over it’s just a matter of me coming to terms with it.

 I don't want it to be over. But I'm totally out of ideas to save it.
helpful (1) 
 Counselling, or talking to her about it. Maybe she doesn’t want it to be over but doesn’t realise he point it’s at. Maybe your daughter doesn’t have to be part of national teams this year and can take a break for the sake of your marriage.
helpful (1) 

Counselling? Emotional infidelity is an awesome book too

Being stressed and being busy, it’s easy to neglect your relationship. It is important that you both make time for each other though. Talk to her. Tell her how you’re feeling. And allow her to do the same. And take it from there.

OP, I've been wondering how things are going for you. Do you have any update?

 Funny, I was wondering this as well
helpful (2) 

OP here. Asking daughter to have a year off is not an option. As currently the aim is a spot in 2024 Olympic team. The idea of getting away sounds good. But can't afford to pay someone to run the farm for a week. Tried talking got yelled at for trying too hard. I do my share of house work. I cook on average 3 times a week.
I think I will just have to shut my mouth and pretend everything is fine. And hopefully we will be ok

 Is this a troll post to make us envious 😂 I would love for my hubby to put so much effort in. Hopefully this is just a phase. We went through a really bad phase for about 2 years. Things are great now but when I look back on that time I feel heartbroken.
helpful (2) 
 I'm just home every day and the wife has a part time job in town
helpful (1) 

Sounds like there is a lot on both of your plate. The daily stresses of life can certainly take it's toll on a marriage. This is my thought, though...why should it? Aren't you devoted to each other in good times and bad or stressful or whatever? Buying flowers is a lovely gesture but it is going to take a lot more than that now. Have you sat down and communicated to her that you love her, that she is the only one for you, that you want your màrriage to last and that you will give it your all? I can tell you now, if my ex had done that rather than go on dating sites out of pure selfishness we would still be together and we would have been thriving.
I know it feels a bit sad that you think she may be only having sex with you to keep you happy, but perhaps see this for what it is..she is at least trying to keep you happy. All is not lost.
I would perhaps try to talk to her about how she is feeling so you can understand her. Then go from there. I agree with what another poster said about seasons. What you do now in this season will be crucial as to whether you sink or swim. Be the hero. You can do it.

Don't think that as she only wants sex once a month it's over. I'm the same with my husband but it's only because I'm so tired and so stressed alllllllll the time I've started to think why on earth would anyone use their bed for anything other than sleeping what are they crazy? Is there any way to reduce the stress on both of u can others help out. Can u get a couples massage. Get takeaway dinner so no cleaning up and watch a movie together and snuggle on the couch.

 Oh and also a year and a half ago we nearly did split up but funnily enough it was because my husband thought it was over for ages that I wasn't interested in him as we rarely had sex and had time for each other and usually the time was spent offloading about everything that was going on. He tried to break up and wanted to join a dating site for sex. I couldn't believe it as i didn't think anything was wrong that of all the stresses we had that we were solid as a rock! And I sure as hell didn't need that extra stress it nearly broke me! Men do connect thru sex and women thru cuddles if that makes sense. As hard as it is for u just talk and cuddle and do little things to make it easier around the home for her and she will feel so supported and bring you closer. Also I should say both of u should talk to gp if too stressed xx good luck
helpful (1) 

Make time to sit with her & say how you feel. If you miss her, tell her that, if you are worried because she is stressed then remind her that you are there to support her. Start communicating again, just talking again really helped turn my marriage around. And we tried really hard to make sex a high priority- the physical connection helped strengthen us & remind us of who & how we were before kids. With the kids (aged 10,11&13) we were on separate paths parenting them, we weren’t team ‘mum & dad’ together & this caused a lot grief, now we are trying a different approach
Good luck, hoping if you are on here then you want your marriage to survive, that’s a good starting point!