What comes first sex of affection?
Answered 2 years ago
My husband and is sex life has been prettty bad to say the least , for a while there I felt like I’d be happy if I never had to have sex again. We’ve had some major fights over it.
Our last one started after a fight about him saying I’d put on a lot of weight. (I have, finally hopefull getting in track after going on thyroid meds) Long story short, we just had a blow up again I’m sitting here crying because, period, but am I wrong? He says I get no affection cos he gets no sex. I say visa versa. We had a huge fight months ago about it, and he made more effort in the day, low and behold not only were we having regular sex I found myself initiating regularly. I brought that up and he says, ovcouse I treated you nice I was getting sex.
I really feel it’s obvious, that small acts in the day lead to more sex.Less acts less sex
I can’t tell if I’m the asshole here. And I mean basic things, like good morning, a hug, a kiss. Usually I get zero affection of any kind. I’m not talking BIG here
Have an answer?
Iv stayed through a lot of shit
I do love him, he really is a good man but he has for lack of a better word “issues” he had a fucked up childhood. He always tries to be better.
One of our kids in particular won’t cope well with a split home.
I don’t know. Maybe I’m just ridiculously hormonal and need to go to bed.
Thankyou for your kind relly
So that my marriage doesn’t haunt you for over 10 years he has given me massages 1 to 2 hours long with no expectation of sex.
He went through periods of no sex for close to half a year without complaint. We had really good sex a few nights again and he’s being the lovely husband I know he is.
I think sometimes women (I’m so guilty) downplay his need for sex as less important than my need for emotional support. They are both one and the same and when neglected the other part feels rejected and resentful.
I was being selfish eating my emotion needs filled without honouring his sexual needs. In this case he has really sat on the back burner for far longer than he deserved.
I don’t know why my libido is struggling but I’ll keep working on solutions. Seeing a naturopath next week and trying some supplements again.
He deserves the same effort I expect emotionally , sexually.
Your issue is not unique though.
I’ve actually heard a sex therapist say that she often hears women say the only reason they have sex is because their husbands are nicer to them the next day. She pointed out that sex isn’t actually a need, it’s a desire. No one, ever, has died due to lack of sex. She also said that if each partner is focused on pleasing the other person rather than self gratification then you’re guaranteed to have an awesome sex life for the rest of your lives.
I work,and am the main earner. 80%of our money comes from me in one way or another. But I’m a shit cook. And not a great housekeeper. Sometimes I feel like that’s more what he needs. I know it sounds old fashion, I don’t resent him for it but rather wonder if we are a right fit some days.
I am a really good mum. And I keep a clean, but not immaculate home. But I’m really good at making money out of thin air.
That being said I would love if he could make all the money and I could be a sahm with all the time to cook and clean.iv done it before I actually love it. I only work part time hours, but what I do work is mentally a physically intense.
I just want to feel appreciated. He feels I’m always attacking him, but I just feel like I’m trying to tell him what I need. I’m not a beat around the bush person. I try to be gentle with words, I’m not good at it though
From what you’ve said though, maybe he feels insecure or disrespected by you because you’re the main bread winner. For some men, that’s how they show love to their families by being able to provide for them. Maybe he feels redundant because you’re so good at earning and providing for yourself. Try and think of other ways ( not necessarily sex) to validate him as a man and show him respect. I’m sure you do respect him, but maybe he’s just not seeing it right now.
Also, wouldn’t hurt to discuss the possibility of separating. Acknowledge that that’s not what you want, but it’s the path you see yourselves heading down if things don’t change.
For years he’s gone months without sex (I think one time was close to 5 months) and has never said a word.
He’s had a lot of shit going on, his best friend got diagnosed with cance his mum died and hurt his shoulder again so he can’t do his usual sports.
I guess it finally tipped him over the edge.
We had a talk about it. We’re both going to try harder.
I tried hard this month, I had sex when I wasn’t up for it at all, ended up with thrush and cuts because I was so dry, and then a few days later was when I said no because of the cuts, then I said no last night because he’d been so distant for over a week.
I get he’s feeling frustrated and unloved, I just can’t find a way to agree on how to fix it that doesn’t compromise myself
I don’t know I don’t want to leave him but other times I wonder if we’d both be happier.
I can’t bring myself to leave, I don’t think I can but I just get so fucking down ove it all when we fight.
My relationship has been the one thing in my life that’s not exactly how I’d make it.
Iv suggested it twice he says if we need that we need to break ups
I’m going to try and work on my self and my libido a little more, and then address him again when neither are mad.
I do feel like my emotional needs aren’t met as much as I would like. He usually kind of shows up when it’s rescue mode and stopping aeration.
I don’t know either way iv got work to do on myself regardless so it can’t hurt.
I just feel like he contributes to my low libido.
I know he must feel unloved, but I feel like my hands are tied as in what can I do? I can’t keep having sex when I don’t want to, that’s not healthy either.
I’m trying to help him make me want it.