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Please help, really need some advice guys! So my wife and have been married 2 1/2 years. I have one son and and a step d
Answered 4 years ago
Please help, really need some advice guys! So my wife and have been married 2 1/2 years. I have one son and and a step daughter who is 16 now which I raised since she was 4. My wife never liked that relationship because she felt it was inappropriate for a grown man to be around a young teen woman. Keep in mind this is my sons blood sister. After a million fights and almost divorce about this she finally decided to “accept her “ for say that in quotes because till this day I’ve only hung out with her like 3 times since we’ve been married because it’s always tense and weird around the house every time she gets brought up someway. I’ve always wanted all of them to coexist and her be part of us, never wanted to create a division line. My wife has a son from a previous marriage as well which also never wants to come hangout with her. Even tho now I’m allowed to hang out with her things are always tense and it lasts for days around the house, she is irritated about everything and we fight about all kinds of dumb things. I love my wife and her kid but it’s so hard for her to deal with anything from my sons side of the family. Even the ex wife is trying to be more open and invites her or sends her things when i drop off my son. my wife don’t even say thank you. She sees her as nothing but the ex wife. I don’t know what to do but this is destroying me. I feel my son is growing up with so much division that shouldn’t be there. I’m all for healthy boundaries but kids should never have to feel pushed or not welcomed. I hate the tension it brings to our home so I always have to walk on egg shells when going over there even if it’s just to drop off or pick up my son. Don’t know if this is normal since maybe my love blinds me from what I need to do?
And on the opposite end I always encourage her to have the best relationship possible with her ex husband. He doesn’t want anything to do with me or my kid either.
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ANSWER
4 years ago
Your wife thinks a grown man shouldn't be around a teen girl? That girl is essentially your daughter, considering how long you've known her/when you started raising her. If you had a daughter biologically your own would she also kick up a stink about that? Does she think dads shouldn't be near their own teen daughters?
Was your wife or any of her family/friends sexually abused as a teen? Did she know a teen girl who had a damaging sexual interaction with an older man, and she blames the teen for "asking for it" instead of the man for grooming the teen? These are some of the very few reasons I can think that she'd be so against a grown man being near essentially his own daughter.
She either needs therapy to deal with this (you could try to talk to her about it but that might not go far) or you should split from her. Do some grown men abuse teen girls? Yep. Does she think YOU are going to abuse your daughter? Does she think your daughter is going to make sexual advances at you? Do you want to live with someone who believes this, and makes life a living hell when anything about your daughter comes up? I wouldn't be surprised if this belief of hers (men shouldn't be near younger women) carries on when your daughter is older, and suddenly you're also not allowed to know any women in their 20s, then 30s etc. Heaven help you if you ever work with a young woman, or talk to a cashier at the shops, and so on.
Was your wife or any of her family/friends sexually abused as a teen? Did she know a teen girl who had a damaging sexual interaction with an older man, and she blames the teen for "asking for it" instead of the man for grooming the teen? These are some of the very few reasons I can think that she'd be so against a grown man being near essentially his own daughter.
She either needs therapy to deal with this (you could try to talk to her about it but that might not go far) or you should split from her. Do some grown men abuse teen girls? Yep. Does she think YOU are going to abuse your daughter? Does she think your daughter is going to make sexual advances at you? Do you want to live with someone who believes this, and makes life a living hell when anything about your daughter comes up? I wouldn't be surprised if this belief of hers (men shouldn't be near younger women) carries on when your daughter is older, and suddenly you're also not allowed to know any women in their 20s, then 30s etc. Heaven help you if you ever work with a young woman, or talk to a cashier at the shops, and so on.
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4 years ago
I have brought up all these points and she even told me at one point she is not the only one that feels this way and that i should really think of what i am doing. That its creepy for any grown men to be around a teenage girl that is not your blood. I told her blood or not blood that is my daughter. She says she would understand if she were my blood but that since she is not she can develop feelings for me that it happens. I tell her what kind of man do you think you married?? And if you just gave her a chance to be part of our family you will see what a great little girl she is. And no i dont want to live this way trust me which is why this is very very hard. I see progress in her but it feels very forced and hard. Feels like it will take a lifetime before we can all coexist naturally. The few times i have hung around her she never wants to be a part of and i always ask her to come. And then she is monitoring my time and where i am, step by step.
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4 years ago
Your wife is trying to pressure you by saying "others think this too". Well, so what? Does that mean they're right? You see this kid as your daughter, and I'm guessing she sees you as her dad considering how long you were in her life and I'm assuming you raised her like your own, along with your son who is her half-sibling by blood.
You two have been married for nearly 3 years, so she's known about your daughter for longer than that. If things don't change (and it sounds like you've got no reason to believe they will) how long will you be willing to put up with it? How long should your daughter have to put up with being shunned by your family, and accused of trying to seduce her dad?
You two have been married for nearly 3 years, so she's known about your daughter for longer than that. If things don't change (and it sounds like you've got no reason to believe they will) how long will you be willing to put up with it? How long should your daughter have to put up with being shunned by your family, and accused of trying to seduce her dad?
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4 years ago
Yes I agree with all you said I have thought of this myself. Just venting and getting out here has helped me gain some perspective. I wish I had someone to talk to about this on regular basis that understands what this means. It’s so hard to find a good support system. And based on how we built our marriage friends are very closely looked at and anything slightly off is grounds to not talk with them.
ANSWER
4 years ago
Could it also have something to do with money? Could your wife see her as a direct threat to the money she may have to share with your step daughter?
Be careful that you don't push your stepdaughter away. You can't undo the hurt.
Be careful that you don't push your stepdaughter away. You can't undo the hurt.
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4 years ago
I don’t have any financial legal obligations with my step daughter. I do simple little things like take her out for a smoothie, eat, and very seldom. Like once every 6 months or so. She hated me giving her a Valentine’s Day gift as she feels that day is for romantic purposes only. I told her I always give the kids something on valentines including my son. She says it’s a day not for the kids but for grown ups. Bottom line no I don’t spend on her like that but it’s been an issue even to get her a bday present.
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4 years ago
She has had issues with me spending on her but I have no legal financial obligation with her. I spend very little as I hardly see her and when we do it’s for a smoothie or food. And it’s about once every 6 months or more right now. She doesn’t even like me giving her Valentine’s Day gifts she says it’s a romantic day and she is uncomfortable me giving anyone else but her a gift that day.
ANSWER
4 years ago
If you want to trade up, this forum sounds like it has some pretty amazing ladies for you 😘
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4 years ago
Lol
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4 years ago
On a further note I wish I could have someone to talk about this stuff that gets me, I have felt so alone with all this like I have no support system that can give me the strength to do the right things. If anyone out there would be interested in chatting some way would be a bit of a miracle for me!
ANSWER
4 years ago
Op- i feel sorry for you.
Its a shit situation.
Its easy for people to say leave your wife etc, but you have a son to consider too
Maybe leave it and when the daughter grows up, you can expkain to her
Its a shit situation.
Its easy for people to say leave your wife etc, but you have a son to consider too
Maybe leave it and when the daughter grows up, you can expkain to her
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4 years ago
His son is from his first marriage, not the current one, so he can leave the current wife without having any custody/parenting issue. And the current wife's son is from her previous marriage too. The current husband and wife haven't had any kids together (and I hope they don't have any together in the future either!).
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4 years ago
Yes we don’t have any biological kids together. It’s hard enough with what we got I agree!
ANSWER
4 years ago
I had something similar, my husband’s niece who grew up with him in the same house as his sister was a single mum and still lived at home. I didn’t think it was an inappropriate relationship however, she relied on him for everything. I didn’t have kids and this was my first relationship so I wasn’t impressed having to always be second to her. I felt that if he wanted a relationship with me then I should come first. I didn’t want him not to have a relationship with his niece but there needed to be new boundaries established so we could spend time developing our relationship. I would like to add that he kept helping and supporting her as much as he could and I supported his decisions, it was simply I wanted his attention and time. Maybe the difference here is your wife is a grown woman with a son of her own and I was a 21year old, still living at home. I think your wife has not really experienced a lot of life and the different types of healthy relationships people can have. Clearly you are in conflict do she will have to change through counseling or you should consider breaking up.
ANSWER
4 years ago
Your wife is implying you can't keep your dick your pants around your teenage step daughter, literally... think about that properly 😥
It is incredibly disgusting and insulting to you in so many different ways.
It is incredibly disgusting and insulting to you in so many different ways.
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4 years ago
I know i have thought of this myself and was heavily offended when this all first went down. After plenty of almost break ups she apologized but it has never truly felt honest and she has never truly felt like she is welcomed. She will never ever say invite her for dinner or anything with us.
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4 years ago
You should remain heavily offended, your wife basically thinks you're a potential child predator... on the scale of deeply scarring personal insults that's like diamond level. There will be plenty of rational women out there that will welcome your innocent step daughter like their own, I think you've picked a jealous, insecure, complete dud.
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4 years ago
^ Love
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4 years ago
Your wife sounds very insecure and jealous. To suggest your relationship with a girl you have brought up as your daughter could be anything other is really revolting.
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4 years ago
How is she going to behave when your son gets a girlfriend? Or when you have grand daughter's? 🧐 Are you supposed to never have any kind of meaningful relationship with any young women... ever? Even if you're related? She's a nutso buddy, chuck her in the bin.
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4 years ago
I think of these things all the time too. I feel trapped in how i cant be myself around people. Even if we go visit family and there is women she doesn't know there she doesn't like me even looking their way let along engage with any of them. If i am helpful to someone or accommodating she says someone else can do that i dont need to be doing that. She has calmed down a bit with all this but trust me i feel its all a matter of time before she explodes. Ive grown so a costumed to this lifestyle now i feel its normal to not have any friends or do anything without her. I dont know if these are healthy boundaries or the actions of a controlling person.I think i can deal with alot of her insecurities but when it comes to my kids and me trying to have the best relationship with my ex its so hard! She feels such a threat from her all the time. Doesn't even think me walking into her home when picking up my son is ok.
ANSWER
4 years ago
I am experiencing a similar situation, and honestly I'm hoping it will end in separation because my partner will not change his opinion of my kids to previous partner and even his attitude around them is disgusting and if i bring it up he says it's how they treat him back. Of course they don't like you when you treat them like scum
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4 years ago
An adult shouldn't act like a child, and shouldn't expect a child to act like an adult when he can't even do it 🙄. If you're hoping it'll end in separation then I hope you can take that step yourself so your kids don't have to suffer his shit any longer, and so they see you prioritising them, so they see you won't let others treat them so badly.
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4 years ago
Do you realise how much you're going to fuck up your children mentally by staying and allowing this? Crazy.
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4 years ago
Im sorry you are going through this as well, i hate how the kids become affected so much by it. For me its weird because she says she has nothing againts her anymore and that she doesnt put restrictions anymore but then its always tense the very few times she gets brought up or i hang out with her. And i mean tense as in she rapidly wants to protect her own son like i am doing damage by spending time with her. This last time i hung out with her it was on a day my ex and her son were home from work and school do to the covid 19 thing and it kind of their day to hang out and stuff. Every other week i am there since i am off as well and in trying to find a time that worked for both of us to hang out and i even invited her son to come with us, i always want to include them. She said it bothers her i schedule it when its our day to be home together. I didn't even mean it like that i was honestly looking for a time that would work for both our schedules.
ANSWER
4 years ago
Your wife is messed up. She needs to see a psychologist about her jealousy issues