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Considering having an affair for an emotional connection
Answered 4 years ago
Basically as the title suggests, I'm considering an affair. It's not because I want to nor is it because I don't love him but lately I am desperate to be touched and held.
My Husband never touches me with his hands or kisses me. I've begged him to touch me, to kiss my body, to rub his hands over me.
He doesn't care whether or not I orgasm, even when we actually have sex it's only when he's either drunk or hungover. He never lets me touch him, he sighs and pushes my hand away. He doesn't let me hold his hand.
I do love him, I don't want to cheat but I'm desperate to be held and touched.
I don't know what to do.
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ANSWER
4 years ago
Why don’t you try couples counseling?
ANSWER
4 years ago
Please give him the respect he deserves and tell him exactly how you are feeling, even the parts about thinking of cheating.
Give him an opportunity to do something about how you are feeling. An opportunity to react. Break up if you have to.. but..
Do not cheat on him! You are thinking about cheating and not doing it.. keep it as a thought only. Whatever is stopping you taking action on the thought of cheating- hold on to that tightly and don't let go. Don't do it!
It is so incredibly traumatic and hurtful. I have cheated online (nothing physical/in real life) and it ruined my life and relationship just as much as a physical affair would have. It is like a black cloud that follows me around and has changed every aspect of my life. I hate that I made the choice to cheat and that I did something so wrong.
I can tell you 100% that not any of the positive feelings you have during the cheating will EVER be worth the pain you'll feel after. I can only feel sick about what I've done now. There is no positives to take from cheating.
Don't make the mistake I did. I was too scared to tell my partner how I was feeling (that we were falling out of love) and I took the cowardly way out by cheating.
I wish I could go back in time and be brave and just tell him. We would be in a far better place now even though it would have hurt him to hear me say I didn't think I loved him any more, it would have hurt 1000x less than cheating did.
Plus it would have been fixable, we could have changed things. I do love him, but we were struggling to connect for various reasons.
None of those were a reason to cheat. There is nothing that validates cheating. Its disgusting and dishonest.
Cheating is not fixable, and his trust in me is gone. Without trust, a relationship can't really exist.
If you have children, please think what it will do to them if your family breaks up under these circumstances. It is not worth it.
I can't stress enough..
PLEASE don't cheat. Ever.
Give him an opportunity to do something about how you are feeling. An opportunity to react. Break up if you have to.. but..
Do not cheat on him! You are thinking about cheating and not doing it.. keep it as a thought only. Whatever is stopping you taking action on the thought of cheating- hold on to that tightly and don't let go. Don't do it!
It is so incredibly traumatic and hurtful. I have cheated online (nothing physical/in real life) and it ruined my life and relationship just as much as a physical affair would have. It is like a black cloud that follows me around and has changed every aspect of my life. I hate that I made the choice to cheat and that I did something so wrong.
I can tell you 100% that not any of the positive feelings you have during the cheating will EVER be worth the pain you'll feel after. I can only feel sick about what I've done now. There is no positives to take from cheating.
Don't make the mistake I did. I was too scared to tell my partner how I was feeling (that we were falling out of love) and I took the cowardly way out by cheating.
I wish I could go back in time and be brave and just tell him. We would be in a far better place now even though it would have hurt him to hear me say I didn't think I loved him any more, it would have hurt 1000x less than cheating did.
Plus it would have been fixable, we could have changed things. I do love him, but we were struggling to connect for various reasons.
None of those were a reason to cheat. There is nothing that validates cheating. Its disgusting and dishonest.
Cheating is not fixable, and his trust in me is gone. Without trust, a relationship can't really exist.
If you have children, please think what it will do to them if your family breaks up under these circumstances. It is not worth it.
I can't stress enough..
PLEASE don't cheat. Ever.
Replies
REPLY
4 years ago
I’m a cheater too and I just want to say you show true remorse and accountability for your actions that is commendable.
I ended up in a full blown affair. It destroyed my husband but gave us an opportunity to change. We are now deeply in love and I see this as our marriage 2.0.
To the OP don’t cheat there are better ways. I too begged and nagged for affection. But I didn’t communicate my feelings properly. It would have hurt him if I told him the thoughts I was having back then. But imagine having to give him full disclosure of an affair. And if you think it’s only emotional no one will get hurt no one will find out. It will become a downward spiral and you will get caught eventually.
I ended up in a full blown affair. It destroyed my husband but gave us an opportunity to change. We are now deeply in love and I see this as our marriage 2.0.
To the OP don’t cheat there are better ways. I too begged and nagged for affection. But I didn’t communicate my feelings properly. It would have hurt him if I told him the thoughts I was having back then. But imagine having to give him full disclosure of an affair. And if you think it’s only emotional no one will get hurt no one will find out. It will become a downward spiral and you will get caught eventually.
REPLY
4 years ago
OP of that comment here.
Thank you. Its a relief that you can recognise I'm truly remorseful.
It is 100% a spiral, I entered a chat room and just observed first up and that was the moment I had crossed the line. The moment where I broke my promises.
1 month later what an absolute mess I had made of my "boundaries" it snowballs so quickly.
I was lucky my partner caught me or I do not know how far things would have gone. I'd like to think I never would have made things physical - and I never had intentions to during the month long affair, but I never thought I'd send naked photos of myself to someone else etc. Its a slippery slope.
It doesn't make a difference at the end of the day, I destroyed us.
We are 3 years on from it and we still have a huge way to go. It is still so tough for us and he is still very hurt. I still feel guilty.
We did attend counselling for about a year.
How long ago was your affair? It sounds like you're in a good... maybe even a better place?
Thank you. Its a relief that you can recognise I'm truly remorseful.
It is 100% a spiral, I entered a chat room and just observed first up and that was the moment I had crossed the line. The moment where I broke my promises.
1 month later what an absolute mess I had made of my "boundaries" it snowballs so quickly.
I was lucky my partner caught me or I do not know how far things would have gone. I'd like to think I never would have made things physical - and I never had intentions to during the month long affair, but I never thought I'd send naked photos of myself to someone else etc. Its a slippery slope.
It doesn't make a difference at the end of the day, I destroyed us.
We are 3 years on from it and we still have a huge way to go. It is still so tough for us and he is still very hurt. I still feel guilty.
We did attend counselling for about a year.
How long ago was your affair? It sounds like you're in a good... maybe even a better place?
REPLY
4 years ago
Also, you are absolutely right that if she can't even bring herself to tell her husband that she is considering cheating on him can she imagine telling him that she is cheating on him. There's no comparison.
ANSWER
4 years ago
Be prepared for the beginning of the end if you do. Not only does it make you feel extremely guilty but the cracks start to form and its hard to get anything back especially feelings when you disconnect.
I was lacking emotional and physical needs from my ex (no physical unless he wanted) in saying that he was emotionally abusing me and in the end physical abuse as well which lead to my decisions.
I had an emotional affair which then lead to feelings- then i had another affair if u want to call it that as i was separated. Both men made me see my life clearer and i was able to escape a life i didnt want for myself nor my kids.
Maybe sit down and talk to your husband and work out what you both need, and tell him exactly how you feel. He may be going through things at work etc
I was lacking emotional and physical needs from my ex (no physical unless he wanted) in saying that he was emotionally abusing me and in the end physical abuse as well which lead to my decisions.
I had an emotional affair which then lead to feelings- then i had another affair if u want to call it that as i was separated. Both men made me see my life clearer and i was able to escape a life i didnt want for myself nor my kids.
Maybe sit down and talk to your husband and work out what you both need, and tell him exactly how you feel. He may be going through things at work etc
Replies
REPLY
4 years ago
Thank you for your advice.
I'm hoping I want to have an affair without having the actual affair when push comes to shove; I hope so anyway.
I'm hoping I want to have an affair without having the actual affair when push comes to shove; I hope so anyway.
ANSWER
4 years ago
Talk to him about it or leave him. Dont cheat!! Could he be having an affair?
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REPLY
4 years ago
He already did, but supposedly it was only one time