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Should I tell my sister in law her husband cheated?

Answered 4 years ago

I recently found out my husbands brother cheated on his wife. He has a history of cheating and did it multiple times to his first wife (using prostitutes as well as hookups, but his second wife doesnt know this)
The incident ive found out about happened two years ago so im inclined to leave it and pretend i know nothing, however 'girl code' is niggling at me as i would want to know if it was my husband.
They have children (some are his and some they have together) so thats another factor to consider.
Every time i look at her i feel immense guilt, and pretty much everyone in our family knows as they helped cover it all up for brother in law, so i feel so bad that they have all just been lying to her.
Its a shitty situation as i know she isnt happy due to his bad behaviour (heavy drinker who doesnt hold his alcohol well as well as his mysogynist views on women) but she loves the kids and is an outstanding step mother to his children.
Would you keep out of it or speak up?


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ANSWER
5 years ago
Stay right the hell out of it. Not your business to intervene unless you have proof that its recent. Let her work out hes a total scum bag by herself. They have children together, think of what happens with them.

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REPLY
5 years ago
Think about what will happen if daddy gives mummy a STD. 🤔

REPLY
1 year ago
Why does it matter if its recent

ANSWER
5 years ago
You people saying leave it shit me so much! I wasted 12 years with a loser like this and although I did catch him out in the end I had heard many stories of him cheating on me AFTER we broke up! Could have saved me from living with that dog for longer than I needed to if someone had have told me at the time! Years of my life wasted on someone who didn't give a fuck about me. Tell her!!!

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REPLY
5 years ago
Yep. Me too. After we broke up people had no problem telling me. Sad that society live by these crappy rules of mind your own business now. How about the person being cheated on? It's her (or his) business!

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5 years ago
I coule never, ever keep it a secret.

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5 years ago
I agree the wife needs to know. I think the OP just needs to figure out how to tell her coz its a super complicated situation and there could be big repercussions for her.

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5 years ago
Just curious to those who were in this sucky situations.. what would have been the best way to tell you the truth? At coffee? Words used? I always find women can get a bit angry at the messenger, not every time but they do sometimes when they hear something Upsetting. I haven’t been in this situation but I.kinda did tell a friends new girlfriend that he was only marrying her for a visa( he told me, and obviously that friendship ended)m but she went nuts and stalked me, harassed me, made face book clubs about me saying how I’m a liar and it was shocking. I am generally a caring person and I had no been expecting this... I honestly don’t think the outcome was avoidable as she was banning him from any female friendships, but I’m curious what you’d have suggested

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5 years ago
I guess everyone's going to receive it differently! If you're not sure how its going to go down or you have relationships at risk then send an anonymous message. Start a fake fb or something then delete it afterwards. They might disregard it but at least you've put it out there and they might suddenly see all the signs they had missed, or maybe they had a feeling something was going on and your message helped put a puzzle together. When I was younger my sisters friend told me she had seen my boyfriend with another girl, I wasn't angry with her for telling me but I was angry at what she had said so kind of stormed off so it looked like I was. It's not the nicest news to hear and your heart jumps into your throat when you're told something like this so reactions may not be the best.

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5 years ago
Yep I've been cheated on by ex hubby. I would say an anonymous note is a good way to go. Or fb like suggested.

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5 years ago
The anonymous FB message sounds like a good way to get the message though, & protect the Messenger from the fall out.

REPLY
5 years ago
.... oh, & include as much evidence as possible

REPLY
4 years ago
Include evidence, as much as possible. Remove the history from the device you do it on

ANSWER
4 years ago
2 years ago I’d leave it but if it happens again then yes

ANSWER
5 years ago
Mind your own business

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REPLY
5 years ago
Hmmm, yeah you would not be saying this if were happening to you

ANSWER
5 years ago
I feel if sister in law is going to ignore so many red flags about the man she’s with (the heavy drinking, misogyny, history of cheating) then just leave her to it. You said she doesn’t know about the prostitutes, is that because she did no research on the guy before settling? When everyone else knows? I don’t think you need to feel guilty if people stick their head in the sand.

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REPLY
5 years ago
They jumped into the relationship quickly as he seemed like prince charming on the outside and she was pregnant within a few months. She was very young and naive and hadnt had many relationships prior to him so she wasnt sure what to look out for i guess. He knew that and told me he purposely chose her for her naivety as he knew he could get away with screwing with her head more than an older woman whos seen a few creeps

REPLY
5 years ago
?hes not a decent guy, she deserves to know as she hasn’t got a chance

REPLY
5 years ago
That’s so horrible he chose her for that reason. I feel so sad for her really.

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5 years ago
The fact that so many others know make them just as evil as he is. I don't think this is "girl code ", OP. I think it is you being a decent person and having a conscience and wanting to do the right thing and tell her.. because she has a right to know!

ANSWER
5 years ago
The family sound like scumbags, must make you feel good to be a part of that family. You'll be shown the same loyalty if anything happens with & your husband you know.

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REPLY
5 years ago
Yes i know there will be no loyalty shown to me, and i dont really care because as youve pointed it, they are not honest people and i dont care if they 'like' me or not. However i am married to their son/brother and no it doesnt make me feel good to be part of the family and i have thought about leaving my husband so i can get away from their drama and craziness (there is a long list of things, not just this) but my husband is not to blame for their failings and he sees how shallow they all really are.

REPLY
5 years ago
To op,
Please explain more details so we cam learnt from you?

ANSWER
5 years ago
I would leave it alone. Your loyalty is to your husband and his family - that is what you are attached to. When everything blows up, she will move on and you will still be there in that family with your husband, brother in law, and everyone else who is covering it up. Awkward. If you REALLY feel you have to tell her, make sure your husband agrees with your decision. Then he can handle his family if it comes back on you.

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REPLY
5 years ago
Hahah this answer..
"Your loyalty is not your husbands family .. your loyalty is your own heart and your own ethics which stand for righteous things .., " which I learnt probably when I was 5-6 years old...

ANSWER
5 years ago
Send her an anonymous letter but with as much detail as you can - dates, locations etc. My ex cheated on me, repeatedly as it turns out. If she has all the information she can make her own choice. I was fooled into believing my marriage was real, and made choices to have children, put my career on the back burner - all for him and our marriage. If I had known he was a serial cheat I would have made very different choices

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REPLY
5 years ago
..... same here, almost word for word. My husband was not who he presented to be. His affair really messed me up emotionally. 4 years later & it still affects me - self doubt, over thinking, chronic insomnia, it really 'killed' me inside, to think someone who 'loved' me, would cause me so much pain and heartache.

ANSWER
5 years ago
Op I’ve read so many responses here, it seems like a mixed bag of both tell her! And stay away!
SO what are you going to do?

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REPLY
5 years ago
Im not going to tell her because i realised i dont have any proof. I wasnt at the party where it happened and only have the words of the people who were there. Her husband will deny of course and ask for proof and i have none. The family will deny it happened and ill look like the crazy. I know it happened. But i know they will continue to lie and cover for him and ill lose credibility

REPLY
5 years ago
Fair enough xx

ANSWER
5 years ago
Seriously, she already knows. Why embarass her by bringing it to her attention and letting her know that everybody knows about it.

ANSWER
5 years ago
Bitch you speak up straight away! You go to her house or invite her over when no ones home and you tell her straight!

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REPLY
5 years ago
What happens when she tells her husband where she found out this information? Then it impacts her own childrens life.

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5 years ago
You say the whole fucking family knows about it! If my family kept it secret I’d be pissed! The kids will be more effected if daddy gives mum aids/std.

REPLY
5 years ago
Whoa thats a bit harsh. I was asking for advice not to be put down!
And i highly doubt he will give her aids!! He more than likely wore a condom.

REPLY
5 years ago
How did you know? We’re you the one having sex with him?

REPLY
5 years ago
Hahahahaha you think he ‘more than likely wore a condom” based on what?
He’s a decent person? No decent person cheats.
I’ve been cheated on by my own husband and he wasn’t even “decent” enough to wear a condom. I found out by getting an std. very silly to assume he would wear a condom

REPLY
5 years ago
Yes I’ve heard this before too, someone I know who cheated didn’t use one and it was not something I would have imagined of them. It’s a serious point I’m afraid

ANSWER
5 years ago
Personally I think that you should tell her but doing so could cause big problems for you with your in laws. I just feel for his wife. Maybe do it anonymously or tell him that if he does it again you will say something.

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REPLY
5 years ago
Agree, but timing must be right.. if he was a too notch guy sure, but he’s a jerk to her? It’s unfair for her

ANSWER
5 years ago
Recently yes I would, with proof. 2 years no leave it.

ANSWER
5 years ago
I'd tell her anonymously like above, make sure she is in a good headspace when you do it.

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REPLY
5 years ago
How the fuck does one really know when another is in a good head space?

ANSWER
5 years ago
Super tricky. It happened 2 years ago, he's done it to his previous wife, is it likely there have been other women in that 2 years that you just don't know about? If you dont get your husbands support in this or things could go bad for your relationship with him and the rest of the family. On the other hand her health could be at risk if he's had unprotected sex. I feel like she deserves to know - especially as the whole family knows, she will feel humiliated and betrayed that the whole family has helped cover this up. Is it your place to tell? I can't answer that - so many contributing and background factors and fallout. I think you need to discuss with yoyr husband and hopefully he will speak to his brother and push him to see and do the right thing. What a burden for you. Id feel exactly like you, so guilty when i was with her and I'd feel the need to tell. If he's not cheating anymore and they are happy and in a good place maybe try to let it go, but if she's already unhappy maybe knowing would give her the push and strength she needs to leave and move on and be happy. Good luck, keep us updated.

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REPLY
5 years ago
Its very possible hes done it again since but i dont know about it and its also highly likely he will do it again (thats my husbands words)

ANSWER
5 years ago
What is girl code? A sisterhood thing?

It happened 2 years ago. Leave it. Girl code or whatever aside, it really is not your business. If he’s as big of an ass as you say, his wife is probably already very aware he’s a player.

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REPLY
5 years ago
Girl code = women having each others backs and supporting each other

ANSWER
5 years ago
If the situation was reversed would you want your SIL to tell you? Put yourself in her shoes.

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REPLY
5 years ago
Yes, i think i would.
Her and i arent very close but still its family right?

ANSWER
5 years ago
tell her, then its up o her, what she does. at least she knows, and can then deal with the truth how she wants too.

ANSWER
5 years ago
That's tricky, you are likely to get caught in the cross fire if you tell her. Can you tell your bil you are drawing a line under that day's date, and if you find out about any cheating after that date you are going to tell her everything.

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REPLY
5 years ago
Agree with this. And tell the bastard to get std checked

ANSWER
5 years ago
Send her an anonymous message telling what you know.