Ask SAHM is a place where you can ask our staff & community a question safely & anonymously. Please read our disclaimer.


Do the good times matter with people who aren't there for you in the bad times?


Got an Answer?

Answers (9)

It really depends.
I wouldn’t expect 98% of my friends to “be there” for me. It depends what you’re asking of a friend and what “being there for you” means.
It’s way too ambiguous a sentence.
Yes my good times with most friends matter, but I also wouldn’t ask them for anything.
When my son passed away, though my closest friends were there for me, I also acknowledge they were grieving my son too, and it’s bloody hard to be around a mother who’s lost a child.
I was grateful for support but didn’t expect it.

I don’t know I always kind feel like I’m enough for myself. Anything over and above me is a blessing.

 So sorry for your loss
helpful (1) 

No, people only want you when they need you. As soon as people dont need you they let you go.

 This is just my personal experience. I have no real friends more acquaintances, and family who just want me when they need something.
helpful (0) 
 This is how my life is too.
helpful (0) 

My friend of four years leant on me heavily when her nanna died. She was devastated. Her nan was 93 and had been in very poor health. My friend called me everyday crying for two hours about how much she missed her and how it affected her. I had a newborn who’d be crying for a feed but my friend wanted me to give her my full attention. She called day and night for a few weeks and I was there for her 100%. During one of our calls I told her my dad had just been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and had three months to live. I expected the same support id given her. Instead she replied with “ people get cancer everyday, doesn’t mean he’s going to die”, then went straight on to tell me about a new dress she’d bought her daughter. After that call she never contacted me again. It’s a horrible way to find out who your real friends are.

 Wow people suck. I'm sorry about your Dad.
helpful (1) 
 Sorry about your dad babe 💔
As for your so called friend, you deserve heaps better. I'd cherish a friend like you 💜

helpful (0) 
 Thankyou 😊
helpful (0) 
 Sorry about your Dad. I really hope hes OK but I know pancreatic is quite serious. Hugs
helpful (0) 

I agree that you learn who your friends are, however I’m not one to live in someone’s pocket. My idea of friends is to help and go out when asked. If I am asked for support and I help I don’t expect a favour or expect it returned I am self reliant, when people do step up I feel beyond humbled.

My ‘best friend’ of 30 years ditched me when the father of her kids passed away. They had a up and down relationship with plenty of dv along the way. I supported her through thick and thin. She was putting dvos on him two days before he passed, constantly seeking my support when the world rejected her.
Now he’s passed she is constantly posting happy times photos going on about how much she misses him on fb. Has become besties with people that didn’t want to know her when her live was full of drama. Now it’s a different kind of drama.
I also don’t have much respect with her jumping in and planning his funeral and claiming the whole de facto thing when it came to his super payout etc. 200k and nothing went into trust for the kids, she brought a 60k car amongst other stuff. They had been living separate for two years. She claimed single parent the entire lives of her 3 kids , oldest being 19. She had a keycard to his accounts up until 12 mths before he passed, even though he came and went as he pleased and worked away they were still together and he supported them.
She is also now besties with my partners ex which has caused dramas for me with their gossiping.

I have been tossed aside. It hurts but really the way she dealt with major things is way beyond my morals.

 Thats awful and must have hurt. Do you think it might be because you share the awful memories and she just wants to forget? She probably feels very guilty about the dvos now that he died and looks back on her time with Rose tinted glasses. Don't judge her to harshly it sounds like she hasn't had the easiest time.
helpful (1) 
 I am not usually a judgemental person but I do judge her harshly on how she handled most of the after math. Not putting a cent in trust for the kids I think is disgusting when them not being together she should not have seen a cent of it herself. I know she had to put herself forward as his defacto to claim entitlement of money.

The father of her kids was on & off drugs. Yes she seems to have put me in that category of her life, ‘me being part of the drug association’
The gossiping was after she cut me off... she didn’t defend me when it was being said that I was using meth which is untrue, caused me to loose my job as I lost clients. Don’t get me wrong I experimented with drugs in my 20s , definitely not meth though! Most definitely not now in my 40s. I confronted her about this, I won’t go into detail as even though this is an anonymous forum I could be recognised.
Tbh it’s nice to vent somewhere as this is all talk I will take to my grave. I have the dignity to keep things Private

helpful (1) 
 Definitely rose tinted glasses and guilt on the dvos, she will tell anyone who listens that they didn’t exist. Although I really don’t think that’s anyone else’s business.

I kinda feel like I am grieving a death of a loved one at times. Over the years I have been closer to her and confided in her more than my own sister.

helpful (1) 
 Reading this I can’t help feel that you knew too much and she knew she was a selfish loser doing what she did.. having you there even if you weren’t judging, would be like her looking in the mirror knowing the truth since you knew. I imagine she behaved like this because she couldn’t have both realities at the same time. It’ s much better to not have someone like this in our life, though it must really hurt particularly the betrayal. Focus a little more on being who you want to be, I have found that has helped me weather these people, as they can really get to you xx
helpful (3) 
 Thank you xxx I feel better just from simply getting it all out on here ❤️❤️❤️
helpful (2) 
 I know someone else who did the same thing, very similar situation. Made me angry for her kids. She remarried & her new DH fleeced her of the lot. She's now living pay to pay in a low income job, gotten by using a mutual friend to get it for her. Screwed friend over & left straight after training after commiting to staying long term.
So you're not alone!

helpful (0) 

No because a true test of friendship is how they stand up and support you when you need them the most ie: bad times

Yeah theres limits. Like I have a friend who goes on and on about her ex husband. They divorced a few years ago, no kids, Ive heard every whinge thousands of times. I love her but I don't want to hear any more about him so I will just change the subject every time!

I think most friends will be there but you have to remember they have their own sh*t going on too that you may or may not know about. I try to be there for all my friends but sometimes my time is limited as I have 4 kids and my own family issues to deal with. I will always have time for my friends but I don't always have time for long conversations at the exact time they want to have it.

If you want to know who your true friends are get a jail sentence lol
Just saw this as a meme, makes me wonder who would stick around