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Wow, a very hard thing you are going thru. I think
The problem is your wife, she needs to lead her son by example and be loving and kind to your son. She may not be able to do it, in which case you may need to seperate as your son should come first.
Honestly I don’t say this to sound harsh but without letting on my story (I worry about people identifying me through too much information)
I’ve experienced all of this, and the person in my family could have been a different person (I believe) if they weren’t treated the way you described your wife treating your son.
If she really loved you she would change before letting you walk out that door but either way you need to put him first and show him he is worth of being put first by his own father
I would recommend moving house. Stay together with your partner as you said the love is there but to put it simply, there is no respect for your or your son. Find yourself a little unit to rent and live there when your son is with you. When your wife & step son pull their selfish little heads in, then you may consider moving back in and transitioning your lives again. My heart breaks for your son and how excluded and hurt he must feel every single time he goes to your house. Step up friend and put your baby first x
All you can do is work on it. Try family counseling. Have a family meeting and lay it all out. Do more as a family unit. Kid swap for a day and send her off to do something with your son they can bond over.
He is 12, and he has had to deal with a lot, of course he isn't happy. He has had no say in this, and doesn't want to share his space or life with either of you. He can't make you leave, so he will make life difficult. 12 year olds aren't known for seeing situations from others perspectives, he probably won't think oh as long as my mum is happy I will put up with it. I would sit down and talk to him about he feels, maybe ask for a compromise like your son not being there too often, or your son not being allowed in his room. Just something so he doesn't feel powerless in the situation. Blended families are difficult and often don't work, you each have a child that you want to be happy and that can make it tricky. Mum can see her son is unhappy so of course she is going to take his side, it's not that she doesn't care about you or your son, it's just that she loves her son, and the relationship with you and your son doesn't come close to how she feels about her child (the same as you feel about your son). Just as your son is your priority her son is hers, so as someone suggested maybe move out so you can escape and your son isn't made to feel uncomfortable, and take the blending of the families much slower and at the kids pace. Is very different from having a relationship before you have children, as you aren't her priority and that can lead to resentment.
I was in a similar situation, my kids really resent my partners child, and it just didn't work. My kids are my priority and my partner now has his access weekends at his parents place. You can't expect her to choose your sons happiness over her son, so you going elsewhere when your son is there might work.
Ohhh parenting issues are so tricky is mixed families. I sometimes get so angry at my husband if he says something about my kids, I think well they were here first, and if you don't like it you can leave!
Its not a helpful attitude to have, I think you just get more protective over your own children.
However, the son is entering teen years and this may be a new phase he's going through (with the attitude), but also he might be really jealous of sharing his mum with other people too!
Maybe you can do some 1:1 with your son so he feels really loved by you? I really don't know how to address the issue with your wife though! Good luck! Messy
Unfortunately you cannot makes a person like another and there may be no reasons for your wife’s son’s dislike of your son. Neither of these boys have any say in becoming step brothers, and if there is no relationship there, then you cant do anything . However, in time your step son might soften. Change can take a lot of Time, and those pre teen hormones don’t help. However, rudeness should not be tolerated and it’s up to your wife to enforce that.
To be brutally honest, my children always come first, over anyone, including their dad. And their dad and I have the strongest most living relationship, something I never imagined could exist. He feels the same.
So she'll go AWOL from your marriage if she ain't feeling it. Try to do stuff together. Go camping, fishing, do family things away from your home and the rest will follow. And the kids dad is right. But you are step-family.