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Am I being ridiculous? My husband travels for sports with our son on the weekends, which is nice so I don’t have to. He

Answered 2 years ago

Am I being ridiculous? My husband travels for sports with our son on the weekends, which is nice so I don’t have to. He parties with his friends and loves it, which is fine as long as he isn’t driving drunk. This is the third weekend in a row that he has had to travel on Saturday morn to Sunday evening. It is also the third weekend in a row that he has decided to spend Friday night as well having drinks with his a friend he will see over the weekend and sometimes some other random people that show up.

I stay home watching tv alone, bc I’m 45 and I don’t want that party life anymore. I prefer to watch a tv show or movie w him, but he says no.

I also don’t think it’s right for him to drop this on me on Friday night, when I am assuming I won’t be spending the night alone. I do however need to pick my daughter up from her activities that night. So it’s only 2.5hours he is gone.

Am I hurt and lonely and feel taken for granted. Am I overreacting? Thanks for your honesty.

Last 2 weekends he came home drunk driving my kid and after two dui’s many years ago. That is all besides the fact. We know that’s wrong and he’s working on it, but what about just leaving me home alone all weekend third in a row?

  • 38%
  • I think a good husband would be spending at least 1 night on the weekend with his wife if possible. After 22 years of marriage, I can see boredom...

    63%

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ANSWER
2 years ago
I think he has a problem with alcohol, it's not the friends he's choosing over you, it's alcohol. He needs to recognise the problem and get help Not sure if he will. Even if you booked a nice evening out, it would be hard for him to choose you over the friends knowing your night out doesn't include drinking all night.
I think educate your kids to refuse to get in the car with him if he's been drinking and completely call him on it so he feels ashamed, hopefully. Get a family uber account so your kids would have another option to get home.
Perhaps you can take over some of the trips away without hubby to break the pattern of him being with the friends all weekend

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REPLY
2 years ago
And no you're not being ridiculous

ANSWER
2 years ago
If I'm honest yes you're being a bit ridiculous and selfish. Fair enough you don't like to go and party but your hubby probably doesn't like to sit at home every weekend. It should be about compromise, not just what you want. Go with him sometimes, plan something you both like to do xx

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REPLY
2 years ago
My message was already so long that I couldn’t get into all details, but I wish things were that simple. Here’s one more detail out of many.

From August-December (5mths) I’ve gone on every hockey trip which was almost every weekend and drank and partied with our friends all weekend. I do same w another sport of ours when hockey is over. Every year the same thing happens. He is so annihilated that he can’t walk straight and slurs his words and drives drunk eventually. He gets worse as the season goes on to the point where he is making poor decisions like drunk driving. I put my foot down on the that, the cyber affairs he was having, and the lying. We also had date nights every wed in which we continued to drink and got drunk at home. So as you can see I am the farthest thing from a grandma. Lol.

REPLY
2 years ago
My message was already so long so of course I couldn’t get in all details, but I wish things were that simple. Here’s one more detail out of many.

From August-December (5mths) I’ve gone on every sports trip which was almost every weekend and drank and partied with our friends all weekend. I do same w another sport in the off season. Every year the same thing happens. He is so annihilated that he can’t walk straight and slurs his words. He gets worse as the season goes on to the point where he is making poor decisions like drunk driving w our son. I put my foot down on that, the cyber affairs he was having, and the lying.

REPLY
2 years ago
We also had date nights every wed in which we continued to drink went home then responsibly got drunk. So as you can see I am the farthest thing from a grandma. Lol. I actually love to socialize and have some drinks. I just don’t believe in binge drinking like we’re in college every single time and making bad decisions and not caring about the kids, our marriage, or anything else.

REPLY
2 years ago
I asked him to stay home w me or do something w just me for once on Val day. He refused and went out w a friend. I was crushed. I asked him again the next fri and then yesterday again (4th time in a month) and all resulted in him choosing his friends or last night he just got wasted and passed out in the time it took me to go to the gym.

I just wanted one fun cuddle night alone w him this month, maybe make out and maybe he would even be able to perform for the first time in a year since he is always so drunk he cannot.

REPLY
2 years ago
Do you still agree w him that I’m controlling him? By the end of the season I can barely stand him anymore when he is that drunk, bc I feel completely disconnected. I am actually the mom that goes more on these trips than any others too. A therapist told me I am I’m enabling this behavior and so I stopped going sadly. I loved the rest of it and I feel like I missed out. He acts like an 8 year old boy, and I deserve a couple nights a month w my husband where we do something fun and he acts like a mature man and has just a couple drinks. However, every time there are drinks involved he can’t stop himself until he’s drunk then goes home drinks more and passes out on the couch while I go to bed alone. This is called alcoholism per therapists and experienced friends.

Our teenage son doesn’t even want to be around him anymore bc he annoys him exactly like he does me when he’s drunk (often). Then he gets mad and passive aggressively drinks more when we’re not laughing at his childish actions.

REPLY
2 years ago
I just cant relate to a wasted husband every time we have drinks. Do you think he will ever change? Is this marriage salvageable?

ANSWER
2 years ago
I wouldn't trust my kids with him. I'd be driving them & if your unwilling do it, quit the sport. It's not worth them dying over. As for your relationship you sound like your on opposite ends of the spectrums. He wants to party & you want to sit at home like a granny. Either consider divorce or find someway to meet in the middle. You're 45 not 60 get a fire under you, you will never feel any younger than you are right now. Live now there will be plenty of time for sitting in front of the box when you're 70.

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REPLY
2 years ago
Lol read new comments. Thats so the opposite of me.

ANSWER
2 years ago
I'd be more pissed off about the drink driving than being left home alone. I would not be letting my kids in the car with him if he is going to be drinking a single drop of alcohol. If he can't go out without drinking then he stays home. If he kills someone, 'he's working on it' isn't going to bring them back.

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REPLY
2 years ago
I agree totally!!! Years of fighting and therapy over this. Yes we went down that road and more ultimatums the worse it got. He doesn’t like to be told what to do. It’s been the longest he’s ever gone without doing that. He had one slip up and he is really changing in this category, so that’s a whole other issue I know is horrific.

I just want to know besides that and all the other issues we have, how does everyone feel about only this incident I spoke of? Am I overly sensitive and how often do married men go out for drinks w their friends on weekends? Or maybe they go during week?

REPLY
2 years ago
Agree 100%! Therapy is hopefully helping him work through this.

REPLY
2 years ago
Absolutely agree! No way would I be so dismissive of the drink driving...especially if my children were in the car😡

REPLY
2 years ago
I thought she said at least he's NOT drink driving

REPLY
2 years ago
In the first bit she did but further down says he came home drunk after driving her kid but I think she meant car.

REPLY
2 years ago
Yep you're right. Just skipped over it because it was so long

REPLY
2 years ago
Lol. I tend to skim over things, often getting myself into trouble 😂

ANSWER
2 years ago
Yes, you are ridiculous let him enjoy life. Go with them, I go with my son and husband and I drag my teenage daughter along, it’s good family time.

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REPLY
2 years ago
When I was young things were much different. I was a big partier in my day, but like most moms we slow down. I travelled a lot for sports and decided a couple months ago I no longer enjoyed being around my husband that couldn’t even complete sentences on these trips and my daughters sports season started up so I needed to take care of her.

Just to be clear, you think I shouldn’t be upset that on Valentine’s Day, instead of being w me wherever, he decided at the last minute he tells me he is going out. Then he invited me to go along w him and a friend to talk hockey at a hockey rink with no other women around.

All of my 45 year old friends had plans w their husbands and boyfriends already and they wouldn’t want to hang out at an ice rink bar anyways. On Val day they stay at home or go out, but as long as they’re together that’s all that matters in my opinion. Asking and compromise would have been nice.

ANSWER
2 years ago
Compromise! Some weeks stay home and enjoy each other’s company, other weeks go out and have drinks with friends. Sorted

ANSWER
2 years ago
This sounds like a really dumb thing to get angry at. Why not just go with your husband and child instead of sitting at home alone? Seriously?

ANSWER
2 years ago
What you need to do is talk to him and then use the other info box rather than just putting it all in the question box.

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REPLY
2 years ago
We have talked it to death for 20 years and several therapists. I’ve done and said everything possible.

ANSWER
2 years ago
I think you need to spend time together. Go with him on the trips away, take your daughter with you or do whatever you need to do to be together.

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REPLY
2 years ago
Thx good advice

ANSWER
2 years ago
Your relationship with your husband is more important than kids sport. Cancel kids sport, make your marriage stronger and the kids will follow along.

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REPLY
2 years ago
Agreed but that would crush them and they would never forgive me.

ANSWER
2 years ago
Thanks everyone! We’ve talked all these points for years. He says I’m controlling him when I ask to spend time w him or ask him to stop drinking.

And I agree W you. Oh believe me the drunk driving thing has drastically decreased to almost never Bc I put my foot down. I know it should be never, but I can’t physically force him to not drink a drop and not ever make a mistake again. I would have to get police involved and I don’t want to do that. I Tried to stop him and he drank more. I can’t walk away From him after one incident in months after he stopped for longer then ever and is actually changing in that category as far as I know.

I get the sports thing, but kids would be devastated if they were forced to quit what they love. They would never forgive me.

Oh and I stopped traveling w them for sports in the past 2 months bc I’m sick of watching him stay up all night w friends in the hotel drinking himself into oblivion and then frustrating me like an 8 year old kid that wants attention and gets mad and mean when I don’t think everything is hilarious like he does bc he’s wasted.

I think I’m in a no win here. He is on some meds and getting off them, so my only hope is that coupled w alcohol has made him lose his mind and he will be normal when he is off. Thx for trying everyone!!

ANSWER
2 years ago
Adding to my history: I thought about finding someone to pick my daughter up next Friday and springing it on him same night that I have plans, but he would love that, bc then he won’t feel guilty about spending another entire weekend with his friends. Fact is he would rather be out of the house on the weekends having drinks, even if it means leaving me home all weekend alone and surprising me with last minute plans.

Nothing I can do to change this. 😢