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What comes first sex of affection?

My husband and is sex life has been prettty bad to say the least , for a while there I felt like I’d be happy if I never had to have sex again. We’ve had some major fights over it.
Our last one started after a fight about him saying I’d put on a lot of weight. (I have, finally hopefull getting in track after going on thyroid meds) Long story short, we just had a blow up again I’m sitting here crying because, period, but am I wrong? He says I get no affection cos he gets no sex. I say visa versa. We had a huge fight months ago about it, and he made more effort in the day, low and behold not only were we having regular sex I found myself initiating regularly. I brought that up and he says, ovcouse I treated you nice I was getting sex.
I really feel it’s obvious, that small acts in the day lead to more sex.Less acts less sex
I can’t tell if I’m the asshole here. And I mean basic things, like good morning, a hug, a kiss. Usually I get zero affection of any kind. I’m not talking BIG here


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Answers (10)

I hear you sister. I don't want sex ever but sure get a lot closer when hubby is nice and respectful and loving and affectionate.

OP Right?! Lol. I can see his side though that he doesn’t feel like it via he doesn’t get sex. It’s a big fu****g merry go round lol.

helpful (0) 

You’re right, in that it’s the small gestures throughout the day that makes a difference to your mood and likelihood of you wanting sex in the evening. But, I also think your sex life (or lack there of), is a symptom of bigger issues in your marriage. I really think you both need to go and get some couples therapy or see a sex therapist.
Your issue is not unique though.
I’ve actually heard a sex therapist say that she often hears women say the only reason they have sex is because their husbands are nicer to them the next day. She pointed out that sex isn’t actually a need, it’s a desire. No one, ever, has died due to lack of sex. She also said that if each partner is focused on pleasing the other person rather than self gratification then you’re guaranteed to have an awesome sex life for the rest of your lives.

OP I guess that’s where I feel unheard, but on the other hand know I could do better.
I work,and am the main earner. 80%of our money comes from me in one way or another. But I’m a shit cook. And not a great housekeeper. Sometimes I feel like that’s more what he needs. I know it sounds old fashion, I don’t resent him for it but rather wonder if we are a right fit some days.
I am a really good mum. And I keep a clean, but not immaculate home. But I’m really good at making money out of thin air.
That being said I would love if he could make all the money and I could be a sahm with all the time to cook and clean.iv done it before I actually love it. I only work part time hours, but what I do work is mentally a physically intense.

I just want to feel appreciated. He feels I’m always attacking him, but I just feel like I’m trying to tell him what I need. I’m not a beat around the bush person. I try to be gentle with words, I’m not good at it though

helpful (1) 
 I hear you. There’s a lot my husband just doesn’t understand and I’m pretty blunt with telling it straight to him. It doesn’t mean your marriage is over though (unless that’s what you both want). Having young kids can be really hard on a marriage and your relation has change and evolve to adapt to a new normal.
From what you’ve said though, maybe he feels insecure or disrespected by you because you’re the main bread winner. For some men, that’s how they show love to their families by being able to provide for them. Maybe he feels redundant because you’re so good at earning and providing for yourself. Try and think of other ways ( not necessarily sex) to validate him as a man and show him respect. I’m sure you do respect him, but maybe he’s just not seeing it right now.

helpful (0) 
 I didn’t mean fir that to sound like you need to quit your job and let him be the provider. Just sit down and chat with him about your strengths and weaknesses and work out how to make your household run smoothly. Make sure you have plenty of positives to say about him and affirm him in the areas he is doing well in.
Also, wouldn’t hurt to discuss the possibility of separating. Acknowledge that that’s not what you want, but it’s the path you see yourselves heading down if things don’t change.

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OP Thanks for your reply , I haven’t been supporting him well enough I see that now. We had a big talk, and we are both going to try hard to give each other what we need.

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I’ve got no advice we have sex problems too but it’s me that wants it and him that doesn’t. There is also zero affection in our marriage. I do completely agree with you affection is very important in a marriage. I think so more than sex. For me if I was getting affection I don’t think I would be so obsessed with sex.

OP To be fair to him he’s been very patient for 7 years and it’s only recently become a fight the last 6 months.
For years he’s gone months without sex (I think one time was close to 5 months) and has never said a word.
He’s had a lot of shit going on, his best friend got diagnosed with cance his mum died and hurt his shoulder again so he can’t do his usual sports.
I guess it finally tipped him over the edge.
We had a talk about it. We’re both going to try harder.

helpful (0) 

No i get it. I need affection too. The sweeter my husband is the more I want to shag him but if he's being distant for whatever reason & i'm not feeling the connection then no i'm not thinking about jumping his bones. I guess it all comes down to men & women having different love languages. He sees the act of sex as his expression of love whereas you see all the things that happened before as the expression of love - taking an interest in you, being physically affectionate so then you want to have sex. Sorry I don't have any answers for you. In my own marriage sometimes we're on the same page physically & sometimes we're not but it doesn't bother us it's part of marriage as far as i'm concerned.

OP I completely see the love languages thing.

I tried hard this month, I had sex when I wasn’t up for it at all, ended up with thrush and cuts because I was so dry, and then a few days later was when I said no because of the cuts, then I said no last night because he’d been so distant for over a week.

I get he’s feeling frustrated and unloved, I just can’t find a way to agree on how to fix it that doesn’t compromise myself

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 Leave him, i’ll be haunted forever by your marriage, i dont know how you are living in it.
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Affection can lead to sex but you can have one without the other. It seems like your husband is using affection as a tool to get what he wants. Someone has already suggested marriage counselling. Really good idea.

OP I really wish he would.i get it, I get how much he wants it, I just don’t have it to give without getting affection, it’s already hard enough, I’m trying so many thing, kids fu***d up my hormones so bad, before then I was the one who got turned down more.

I know he must feel unloved, but I feel like my hands are tied as in what can I do? I can’t keep having sex when I don’t want to, that’s not healthy either.
I’m trying to help him make me want it.

helpful (0) 

You deserve better than this. Would he be willing to go to therapy?

OP I really wish he would. I’m that close to leaving
helpful (0) 
 You know what OP? If he doesn't want to help change this pattern, then f**k him (not literally this time) Go to therapy yourself, learn to love yourself again, gather your strength and kick him to the kerb. Every woman should know her self worth and geez I hope you can find yours again xx
helpful (1) 
OP Thankyou.i really some days don’t know if I have it in my to leave.

Iv stayed through a lot of shit

I do love him, he really is a good man but he has for lack of a better word “issues” he had a fu***d up childhood. He always tries to be better.
One of our kids in particular won’t cope well with a split home.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m just ridiculously hormonal and need to go to bed.

Thankyou for your kind relly

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helpful (1) 
 Good men dont f**k their wives when they are so dry it’s hurting them and causing cuts on their vagina. That is not normal or healthy or loving or good behaviour.
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 Lol. I can see how bad it looked, it was 100% my side and I was mad and angry.
So that my marriage doesn’t haunt you for over 10 years he has given me massages 1 to 2 hours long with no expectation of sex.
He went through periods of no sex for close to half a year without complaint. We had really good sex a few nights again and he’s being the lovely husband I know he is.

I think sometimes women (I’m so guilty) downplay his need for sex as less important than my need for emotional support. They are both one and the same and when neglected the other part feels rejected and resentful.

I was being selfish eating my emotion needs filled without honouring his sexual needs. In this case he has really sat on the back burner for far longer than he deserved.

I don’t know why my libido is struggling but I’ll keep working on solutions. Seeing a naturopath next week and trying some supplements again.

He deserves the same effort I expect emotionally , sexually.

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Divorce, your young enough to start again and have a GREAT life. He sounds horrible. I feel so sorry for you, leave him, be free.

OP I wouldn’t even start over lol, I’d happily stay single till my kids were grown
helpful (1) 
 That is starting over, and you will be much happier then you are now. He sounds so awful, it dosnt seem like he loves you.
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You could try marriage counseling he does sound like a bit of a twat though. Is he young?

OP We’re in our mid 30s, he just came down to give me a hug and forget about the whole thing and it all kicked off again cos I’m not willing to just forget the whole thing.
I don’t know I don’t want to leave him but other times I wonder if we’d both be happier.
I can’t bring myself to leave, I don’t think I can but I just get so fu****g down ove it all when we fight.
My relationship has been the one thing in my life that’s not exactly how I’d make it.

Iv suggested it twice he says if we need that we need to break ups

helpful (0) 
 If he is unwilling to help with the situation by having counseling then you have no choice than to separate. What's the alternative you keep having sex when you really don't want to. What kind if man would actually want that? Not a good one. It's time to be clear. This is what needs to happen to help fix us if you're unwilling to get on the help fixing our relationship train then get off the platform & go home......also I'm jealous you can make money out of thin air I wish I had that skill.
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OP Thanks , he’s had some really bad experiences with counseling.
I’m going to try and work on my self and my libido a little more, and then address him again when neither are mad.
I do feel like my emotional needs aren’t met as much as I would like. He usually kind of shows up when it’s rescue mode and stopping aeration.
I don’t know either way iv got work to do on myself regardless so it can’t hurt.
I just feel like he contributes to my low libido.

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