Got an Answer?
By telling him- I think it's being selfish. You alleviating your pain by giving it to him. My husband cheated once that I knew about. Since he got caught he's been the perfect husband / father everything. It completely saved us (was 10 years ago) I have suspicions the was maybe one of two other times before he got caught, him telling me now via of his guilt would actually just make me angry at him. Via he's hurting me all over again. Just so HE can feel better. HE won't hurt so much over a hurt HE caused.
Please don't tell him.
Try council long- try massage therapy try alternative therapies try hypnosis but deal with it yourself and process your guilt. He doesn't deserve to be further hurt. Good luck xx
I would not tell, you'll be crushing this man - not the man he was 15 years ago. Everything will change. Find some way to forgive yourself, be at peace and let it go.
So here is the answer first hand as I am now going through this. My wife confessed this very same thing to me Not too long ago. The story is exact to a tee. The answer is that you must tell your SO what happened! Most importantly... Everything! No matter how much it pains you or you think it may pain your partner. Some have said on here that it was a long time ago and file it away. Here is how I feel now... I now look at her differently. I see someone that I can't fully trust yet I love her with all of my heart. I can't even imagine not living my life without her but I can really tell you that I would rather know what was wrong and what happened than for her to have to live with trying to deal with this for the rest of her life. It sucks no doubt. I'm angry, upset, hurt but if the love is strong, time can (not will) heal the anger and hurt. Keep in mind that you can always forgive but you can not forget. It is going to take a long time to get over this, but I am willing to fight for my life, wife whatever it takes. If my wife is seeing this somehow whether this is her post or not... I love you and will always love you. I may have questions from time to time but the answers don't change my feelings for you. I ask them so I know how to be a better husband, person.
This situation happened to me but it was my husband telling me of an affair from 10 years ago. I honestly wish he hadn't told me. All it has done has cause me and our children pain. I now doubt every single thing that has happened over the last 10 years and wonder if its all been a lie.
Don't tell him.
If it were my husband, I would NOT want to know about a one off 15 years ago... it would kill me. An affair I would, if he was still doing it I would, If he didn't learn his lesson and change I would but this... no. It's okay for you to forgive yourself.
I'm going against the grain here, but if it was me who was cheated on, I would want to know. I don't care how long ago it was. The lack of commitment and trust in the whole relationship from that point has changed. If you told him straight after you cheated, what would've happened? Why can't that happen now? You've had time to think and process it in your way, he deserves to know and process it in his way. It shouldn't just be your choice.
My husband cheated on me. I found out though he didn't come clean on his own.
I wish I didn't know. It has caused so much pain, but I feel more of it is mine to bear now than his. Deal with the shitty thing you have done. Live with your guilt, don't transfer it on to your husband to make yourself feel better.
Weird that old posts are being commented on all of a sudden, Wouldn't the OP have told/not told by now? OP I hope everything has turned out okay
You should look up Dan Savage and his take on telling a spouse about an affair. Basicly it's you who did the wrong thing, in your eyes, and you have to learn to live with the guilt instead of releaving your pain onto your husband. Sometimes an affair can save a marriage, is it worth hurting him on the possibility you might feel better about yourself? That logic is selfish and if it was a long time ago and you regret it and wouldn't do it again is it worth the pain? I'm not judging i have had an affair and i would never tell my husband, it's not something i plan on repeating and i live with the pain, not him because he did nothing wrong.
Hell no do not tell him! You think the way your feeling now is bad wait until you tell it will be worse and you'll no doubt be a single mum! It was a mistake and you've learned your lesson so give yourself a break!
I think don't tell him, learn to live with your guilt. It was almost 15 years agos and all telling him will do is make the last 15 years feel like a lie and you will only be hurting him more after you fixed everything. Why feel guilty now?
My advice leave that skeleton in the closet
If you feel like you want to be honest, be honest. If you do tell him, it will hurt both of you, there is no avoiding that. One of two things could happen. He'll break up with you or he will work through it with you. That's the risk you will have to take.
But here are a few things you might like to add if you do tell him: at the time this happened, you were both in a terrible place, he had an addiction and was not participating in the relationship; 15 years ago you were different people; you've since grown and changed as we all do in life; also, this was a one off; you did it because you were feeling neglected in your own relationship. This is definitely not an excuse, but the reason you did it. You need to tell him that it never happened again and won't. Then you will need to apologise and say you understand that by telling him it could mean the end of your relationship. However, if he wants to you'd like to work through it together. Those are just my thoughts on the subject. Good luck x
If my partner cheated, I would want to know, regardless of how long ago it was.
It would be MY choice to make if I want to stay in the relationship and work on it not yours. You shouldn't get to say oh I feel guilty and don't want him to leave me, you made that an option when you cheated, so suck it up and deal with the consequences.
I would want to know. Know so I can leave. So I could find someone who wouldn't lie. For the porn addiction lady. I'm sorry it has become this for you. Put your foot down before its too late. Tell him u will take n axe to his car if he doesn't stop. Thats what I said nd I fu****g mean it. Tell him its you and the car or his porn. Axe to laptop works too.
In the end the choice is yours whether you choose to tell him or not. Yes he's going to be angry, and frankly I don't blame him. If it were me I'd tell him. I'd rather he knew the truth and got angry at me then to keep a secret like that. It's not about you bringing up anger or hurt for him or you feeling guilty, it's about being honest and truthful and respecting each other. I'd be bloody losses off of my husband ever kept a secret like that for me and I'd feel like fool for not knowing. My husband and I have always said even if we know the truth would hurt the other we'd rather be honest to start with then to keep a secret and it come out later in life cause the consequences would be a lot worse.. Do you think he may have had a sneaky suspicion that you cheated anyway?
Everyone is different in how they will react. You know him better then anyone and you decide on what you think is right.