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Rude husband and son copying

Whenever my husband is rude to me or starts a fight my son follows his behaviour and is rude to me. So upsetting but according to my husband "I bring it in myself". My son is only 5 and doesn't understand what's going on. Just has eyes for his dad and copies him in every way. This isn't how I want my son to be brought up

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Answers (15)

Awesome. You will have two men treating you like shit forever plus a son that treats women like that. Not the kind of bloke I want for my daughter

 Exactly. By doing nothing you are responsible for your son abusing his future partners.
helpful (1) 
 Both of these answers are NOT helpful. Firstly, this abuse is not her fault, people need to stop blaming women and start asking men why!
helpful (1) 

You have obviously been accepting of this behavior from your husband for awhile now and only don't like it now coz your son is coping , You need to wake the f*ck up realize your own worth, your worth more than your husbands shit so either end it or put up with it. There is only 1 way to it, your husband is a bloody tool and needs to get a life and you need to create a better one for yourself and your son

This needs to stop now. The child at five is one thing, when he’s fifteen you’ll be a doormat and he will do whatever he wants.
Your husband needs to understand that he is modeling the way his son will treat you and his future wife/child/girlfriend etc.
your husband also needs to understand that verbal abuse and disrespect and then blaming the victim is not ok.

Raise your son with a man you want him to be like

 Or no man at all
helpful (2) 

If you let it continue your son will grow up to disrespect woman. "I would not have hit her if she was quiet". Leave now.

Do you have a positive male role model in your life? A brother perhaps. You are describing my nephew. When my nephew sees how loving my husband is to me, he wonders why his dad isn’t like that to his mum. Your son needs to learn that the way your husband treats you is wrong. He needs to see it’s not normal. Tell him how it makes you feel hurt and sad. You need to do something now. Break the cycle.

Your husband needs to learn it’s not okay. Does he do this in front of others? What he does and when he does it really determines what you can do. If he doesn’t do it in front of others than he already knows it’s wrong. If he does, recruit whoever to call him on it.

Is there someone in his life that he respects that he knows would disapprove?

Either that or you could turn it back on him.

Hard to know without a specific example.

I often find a response of “woah, woah, woah, you need to get your emotions under control” whether they’re upset or not gets them to pull their head in. In part because it makes them look weak. When they respond with the “I’m perfectly calm” or “you’re just setting me off” you just keep using the same lines, like “ woah, calm down, get a hold of yourself” etc. You’ve got to sell it as genuine though, not sarcastic or joking.

I left a husband who was turning my daughter into an agitated angry monster. Once she was not living in the same house as him she settled right down. I then had a relationship with a guy who was a good calm father to her, for many years. She has grown up into a great person. It was the best decision I made ever, leaving my husband. He was a selfish mean bully, and he never changed.

Leave him. You do not want that disrespectful behaviour influencing your son

Leave. If you don’t stop the five year old now it won’t be that long and he will be a 15yr old and abusing or maybe even hitting you. What will he do to a girlfriend when older. Not only that he could end up in trouble with the law for other stuff if his attitude doesn’t improve before becoming a teenager.

OP here. I don't want my son to copy this behaviour but apart from leaving my husband what other options do I have? If I say something to my son or husband I have 2 of them having a go at me. Just sucks

 Your husband needs to change his behaviour. Is he’s unwilling, you either stay with him and put up with it, and have your son continue to treat you the same...... with it getting worse as he gets older. Or you leave him, which mean his father will have less influence.
helpful (3) 
 Your son is going to mimic whatever behaviour his father is displaying. Your only solution is to change your husbands behaviour or don't let your son witness it.
You could try;
1- sit your husband down for a serious conversation when son is in bed so they can't hang up on you. Tell him you are not happy with how he speaks to you, you are not happy he does it in front of your child, it makes you feel condescended and degraded. You would like him to go to some anger management/counselling/relationship counselling or you can't continue to be living together. Be prepared and have examples written down.
If he laughs at you and/or won't agree to go then I think that says a lot about his level of respect for you and may be an indication of where his rudeness comes from in the first place.
2- explain to your son "how daddy treats me is not nice and it makes me sad so when son does it too it makes me feel sad even more."
3- remove your son from the constant display of rude behaviour... leave.

helpful (1) 
 You could explain to your son that you can’t cintrol other peoples behaviour, such as your husbands. But you can tell him how it makes you feel when daddy talks to you in a certain way or treats you in. A certain way. And ask your son to treat you in a way that mages you feel nice. When he does, reinforce it verbally such as, “ thank you for speaking to me nicely, that makes me feel special “
helpful (2) 

Everyone saying leave or stand up to your husband makes me mad. It's obviously not that simple, and many of you have probably never been in her shoes. My husband has a very quick temper and blows up every so often saying things he shouldn't and yes it hurts but once he calms down (usually the next day) I then carmly tell him off about the things he said in anger. It can be tense at times but we work through it. And you know what my husband is just like his father! They will copy through the generations. I can't give much advice on your boy but I do tell my girls that a husband should never treat a wife like that. Find someone that never makes you sad inside. I actually think it's a good learning curve sometimes. The only thing I can suggest it be really firm with your son when your husband is not around.

 I was the female child in a relationship like that. My brother ended up nasty and abusive while I was a teenager and ended up destroying my mother’s possessions and telling all his friends she was dead. He isn’t mentally unstable, he’s just mean.
I understand what you mean and I am not judging, I am just saying from someone who grew up in a household like this, when my mother died mum father turned into a polar different person, he doesn’t protect my mothers memory and he doesn’t care about me or his grandkids anymore.
Being firm when dad isn’t around doesn’t help. My life was proof of that.

helpful (0) 
 I don’t understand. You’re mad because people are saying she should leave her husband or stand up for him. But then you say find someone who doesn’t make her sad. Aren’t you saying the same thing
I grew up with a violent father. It hasn’t made me violent. I’m the opposite of violent. And I never ever hit my children. Not even a smack. But I wonder sometimes if I was a male would I be like him Thank god my husband is nothing like my father, as we have a son who idolises him.

helpful (0) 
 I grew up with a violent father, my oldest brother is violent and my second has a temper but got help. I had a miserable existence growing up. If the cycle is not broken it continues through the generations.
helpful (0) 
 I also grew up with a violent father. I'm also the opposite of violent - won't even smack my children. My brother loves smacking his kids but luckily he met a woman who wouldn't tolerate abuse (knows too many bikies to "kick his knee caps in") but he would definitely give it a go if he could get away with it. My sister has been in 4 serious relationships and all of them have been physically and mentally abusive.
Your husband should get some help. You deserve better than that.

helpful (0) 

If your husband doesn’t change his behaviour, your son will turn into him. And treat all women, including you how your husband does. Our kids are sponges. They learn from us by our actions.what is acceptable behaviour and you can expect more of the same if nothing changes.