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Torn between guilt and my sanity

I’ve been inviting my mum to my partners family’s house for Christmas lunch ever since my dad died 8 years ago. I don’t want her to be alone at Christmas. The problem is that my mum is horrible to me, she always has been. She’ll come to lunch but just sit there like a miserable cow and I feel like I have to babysit her. My brothers and sisters have never invited her for the same reason. This year I’m not inviting her. The others won’t but I’m the bitch. I’m always the bad guy. I want to stand my ground and actually enjoy a Christmas lunch but I’m feeling guilt over saying no. Any advice?


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Answers (12)

Don't feel bad! Your brothers and sisters need to share the load, but if shes really that bad and they cant, well then, shes made her own bed. You have clearly tried hard with her for several years and she isn't willing to do the same.

 That’s what I think but then the aunties and cousins start on me for being so mean yet my siblings are never spoken to. It’s always me. And why can’t her own sisters invite her to theirs?? It’s always my fault. I’m the bad daughter.
helpful (0) 
 Sometimes you just need to embrace that you're the black sheep for a while and run with it. Sometimes acknowledging that you're the so called crappy family member helps to let go some of that guilt you're feeling. Good luck no matter what
helpful (3) 
 If the aunties are all on your case, turn it back on them. Nothing stopping them. Just stand your ground and say that you find it hard and for once you'd like to feel Christmassy at Christmas and not like you have an extra child to care for.
helpful (0) 
 I was the parent in my family to both my siblings and my parents so I'm always the one that cops the flack from everyone; all responsibility just seems to fall to me, so I know what you are talking about.

You KNOW that what they're saying is unjust and unfair. Stick to your guns. Turn it back on them and say "well I had her for the last X amount of years, no one else has offered/invited, and she is equally everyone elses family as much as mine so it's someone else's turn to host her".
Regardless of how they respond you know that you have done nothing wrong and you can hold your head high. You don't need their approval.

helpful (1) 

Your mother isn’t going to be around forever, can you imagine the guilt in years to come when you look back at Christmas 2018 where you and your siblings all tried to palm her off for the year so you can all be “christmassy”.
Maybe her lack of affection for you and siblings stems from her own upbringing. She lost her life partner 8 years ago and most likely a part of her died that day too.
I don’t know her obviously like you do but I do know that we should love our parents unconditionally unless they are abusive trouble making a/holes.
Why don’t you ask her to make a special dish or dessert for the day and that way she can boast about how she made it etc looks to me she’s craving attention of some kind. Christmas is a time for family get togethers, you and your siblings shouldn’t make your own mother feel like a burden.

 Nice thoughtful response. Good way to take a different approach that is sometimes necessary.
helpful (1) 
 It’s a nice answer but sorry, doesn’t describe my mum at all. She was a miserable cow to my dad too. She’s never shown affection to anyone. Her mum gives the best hugs and her siblings are awesome. So there’s no upbringing to blame. And I can’t ask her to make a dish because she can’t cook! She doesn’t contribute anything. Just expects everyone to do everything for her. Thanks for your reply tho.
helpful (0) 

Sending you lots of love. I am in the same situation, my mum is rude and condescending to everyone. My in-laws won't have her for Christmas now. Its hard because sometimes I know she is on her own for the day. Some years we have Christmas with her, but now as my dad has a new partner mum won't invite him. I think it's time to stop having Christmas with family.

 Thanks for your reply. It’s horrible isn’t it. I’d love to go away for Christmas, just me and my little family.
helpful (1) 
 It really does ruin Christmas, your title really does sum up the feelings involved. I think when we can afford it, we will just go away over Christmas.
helpful (1) 

Bloody Xmas, sometimes it’s not worth the hassle hey!
My mother (my only family - only child, single parent, estranged from extended family) told me yesterday that she doesn’t do Xmas anymore, won’t be coming to mine with my in-laws, won’t be seeing my kids
Makes me feel really sad for her and kind of made me feel like I’ve failed somehow as a daughter 😔
Her choice in the end though I guess

 That's your mothers loss. You enjoy your day regardless.
helpful (0) 

I suspect the reason you're being targeted as the bitch is purely convenience. You're the one easiest to bully since you've had her over for Christmas previously. If you stop inviting her someone else will have to step up!
Perhaps suggest a rotating roster of who has her over each year. If the refuse say 'well, I've done my duty for years so it's time one of you did it, so if she's alone that's your decision, not mine.'
They'll still try to bully & guilt you because it suits their plans. it's entirely up to you if you let them.
If it helps, I was raised to let people walk all over me to 'keep the peace'. It took a horrible situation where I was being bullied like no one could believe possible by 'family', to the point I was completely broken, to make me stand up for myself & not let ANYONE bully me.

Can you lie and say hubbys aunt has invited you this year so maybe u can take her for lunch Boxing Day or Xmas eve; just the two of you, otherwise it’s soo busy Xmas day I barely get to chat to you!?

Omg this is us too except it's my mother in law we always have to invite to my family Christmas, it's also her birthday so we feel extra bad. This year I finally didn't invite her and then I found out my mum bloody did 😭 f**k. I feel like I can't even be myself at my own family Christmas.

 That’s how I feel. Instead of chatting with the adults and playing with the kids I have to sit with my mum. She’s really stupid so can’t involve herself in conversations . My partners family are lovely and are happy for her to come. But I can’t enjoy myself. It’s a chore.
helpful (0) 
 If you have to invite her just let her be. Don't babysit her and you enjoy your day with the kids and other adults.. If she sits in the corner miserable that's her choice. Hard and easier said than done but shouldn't let it ruin your Xmas too. Good luck x
helpful (2) 

Bitch or not, your mother is handling her life the best way she knows how to do it.
If she could handle it any better she would not be a bitch but a loving mother.
I know it is hard but it is the best she knows how to do it

 Sadly she’s never been a loving mother. Didn’t abuse me, but no love or support or encouragement. She’s still never said I love you.
helpful (0) 

Say that you are going away for christmas.

 Tried but couldn’t get accomodation so going away the week before. But next year I’ll be prepared.
helpful (1) 

Have her for dinner instead of lunch?

 After going out for a big late lunch the last thing I want to do is have her over for tea. She hates every bit of food offered. She’s miserable. We are seeing her for an hour before lunch but she’ll be shitty that I havnt invited her to lunch.
helpful (0) 

I can’t go away for Xmas cause my hubby is mummys boy

I don’t see my nephews cause my brother is boring and wants to sleep
Demanding when lunch will start and comes and hr early