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My husband tells me to leave

Whenever we argue about anything even slight he tells me to take the children and leave his house, he does it because he knows I can't do it, the house is in his name, I'm a stay at home mother to our baby so have absolutely no income, we also have an older child, I have no welfare payments, no access to his money, my car is also in his name and when I did pack up the children to leave once he said he would report the car stolen.
I have no family at all left and no friends close enough to go to with something like this.
I have nothing and no-one.
He makes life hell for us for weeks on end until he decides not to. He will tell us we can't sit on the furniture, can't use a glass or his taps to drink water from, can't eat the food, can't use his bathroom and so on.
When he is like this we are OK during the day.
Continued in comments


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Answers (29)

Answered by OP

Hey everyone, I left the same day I posted this when he went to sleep. I called police link like someone said to explain I was going to leave with the car and they put me on to my local police officer, we only have two here and so one came and waited at the end of my street to meet us and gave me fuel money himself and escorted me to the highway, I am so grateful. We only took some clothes, toiletries and ID that I packed in the car before he got home that day and he knows where I am because even though I turned off what I thought was find my phone but we think he must have another way to find it, he probably would have known anyway because it's the only place I had to go but my friends husband and brother are both here with us for the next 2 weeks or so until they go back on a work swing, centrelink gave me a crisis payment and a social worker rushed through single parent payments for me and my bank also gave me a domestic violence grant so I'm just looking for somewhere new to go and then I'll get a court order in place so he can't just take the children or anything. The officer that helped has been in contact with me several times a day with advice on what to do next and is watching my husbands movements to give me a heads up if he leaves town. I don't really feel relived to have left, I feel torn and emotional and even guilty and then I feel worse for feeling like that.
The kids are confused but busy for now and I'm worried about where we will end up.
Anyway, thanks so much for all your help and advice and I hope anyone else reading that's going through similar can find a way to escape it.

 It's ok to be scared but you did the right thing. I'm glad there were so many people to help you on your way 💗
helpful (6) 
 So much love to you! What some people don’t understand about leaving is you leave behind what you know, even when what you now is abusive! It takes so much strength to leave for the unknown and it is stressful! But your kids and you DO NOT DESERVE to be scared of someone that should love you!

Scary and uncertain now, but your kids are better of out of that situation! Everything will work out! And all the wonderful ladies in this thread are here to listen and support!

Good luck on your new life ❤️

helpful (5) 
 I am so so so proud of you. It's a long road but you have taken the first of many steps. Stay strong, we are here for you.

helpful (5) 
 From what I understand it is normal for women in abusive situtions to feel the way you are feeling. You have done the right thing though. I am so glad you are safe and was able to get help.
helpful (5) 
 I'm a single parent and through financial and emotional support I got from my friends I'm now 6 years on and my kids and I are living a happy life. I'd like to be able to pay it forward to another mum just starting out. Is there a way I can do this?
helpful (4) 
 So glad to hear you are ok. Thanks for the update. I’m sure it’s emotionally tough for you, I’m wondering if there’s is some counselling support you could get- even if you just phone a lifeline place or there must be a domestic violence hotline. Just so you can talk through it with someone that is trained to help you and give advice?
All the best love I wish you only happiness ❤️

helpful (3) 
 You are such a brave person
helpful (4) 
 I am so proud of you!! Your future will be amazing, just believe in yourself - all of us do ❤
helpful (4) 
 Op you are so awesome, and it’s a beautiful story that you shared about others coming to your aid. I know at 5is time you are probably quite preoccupied with all that is going on, appointments and taking steps without a real idea of where you are going next, but just remember to take deep breathes and listen to that voice deep inside you when you are feeling unsure. You may not feel so strong, but you certainly are and your kids are so lucky to have you. One step at a time, the future will become clearer in the future, but right now it’s the present
helpful (3) 
 This is probably the best thing I have ever read on the internet. I am SO happy and proud of you even though you are a complete stranger. The kids will be fine and they will adjust. Stay focused, stay strong!
You are smashing it!! GO GIRL xx

Sending love and strength to you friend, good luck on your new adventure <3

helpful (3) 

Op I'm bewildered. You don't deserve this! This is abuse and the police are there to help you. Even if you are pulled over the worst that will happen if you explain it to them is that they escort you to a refuge.
I would encourage you to take the car just so you can take more things and get further away.
I can't imagine what you are going through but I really wish you all the best. You can do this for yourself and your children's sake. Just thunk about a future where you and your children are free and happy xx

OP I’m in Brisbane with a spare room (I can easily make it two) and will come and pick you and your children up so he can’t report the car stolen and bring you here until we sort out permanent accomodation for you, even if it means putting you on a plane to get to your friend’s house. If this is something you need please let us know. There are enough of us on here who can help you leave and get some support. You and your children need to get out of that environment ASAP.

OP This is so unbelievably kind, I did end up leaving though. I'm in FNQ with my friend and her family and I'm just looking for somewhere to go to settle now
helpful (4) 
 Glad you are safe!
helpful (2) 
Answered by OP

OP HERE - We're all good, the days are feeling really long living in limbo though, I'm waiting for approval on a rental unit in a really cheap beach town in which my friends husbands family owns a little pub and will put me on as manager. I'm currently doing course to get the appropriate licences and certificates I need,
They're going to give me an advance pay to buy furniture and what not and garnish my wages over time to pay it back. They came for a visit and just offered all of this 😭 they're so nice.
I have a DVO against my husband now because he was sending threatening messages to my friend and I, my eldest child is getting restless about missing school so hopefully I hear back soon (today would be nice). Plan B is to move in to the pub accommodation until we get a house, it's not ideal to do so with the kids but either way this time next week I'll be working and we will have a new home. My friends husbands family have a bit of pull in the town so I'm very hopeful I'll get the rental 🤞🤞🤞

 This is all good news I'm so happy you went up there and reached out for help. It was incredibly brave. What wonderful people you have helping you. Don't get lax on the dvo hon keep it on and best of luck. Perhaps look up some school work on the internet for your child to do to ease their anxiety about missing school and keep their mind busy.

Oh I'm wondering also if you need a new phone and number or at least get it off your husbands account as I remember he worked out where u were from it? My sister's controlling husband has somehow set up their iPhones so he gets all her pictures and text msgs so maybe a trip to the Apple store to make sure there's none of that and a new account in your name only. Restore phone to factory settings if you can't afford a new one. Just covering all bases. And new bank account in only your name. Good luck with it all!

helpful (2) 

OP how are you going? Have you decided on any plan? I just want you and your children to be safe. This man is not safe.

 She answered
helpful (2) 

My heart breaks for you. But honestly I hope the out pour of respect, compassion and solidarity from all these other people here give you the strength you need to stand up for yourself and walk on out that door.
You CAN do this and you WONT let him run your soul into the ground. Life is too short. Teach your kids a great lesson in life not to be treated like shit even if it is their father.

Ok my husband does this. Firstly if you’re married he can’t report the car stolen and also your house is classed as marital property under the law. This is exactly what my husband says and does. This is classed as domestic violence just so you know also. I’m in Queensland but this comes if under federal law being family law so it’s the same in every state. Our situation sounds literally exactly the same form what you’ve written.

 Sorry my auto correct is crazy!!!!! I’m so over it and don’t know how to turn off
helpful (0) 
OP I'm in QLD too and I have a friend up north that will send me petrol money and take us in but she's about 11 hours away and the only thing that's stopped us going is being terrified of being caught with the car. I've thought of going to the police station and telling them first im taking it and why etc but I don't know if that will get me in trouble before I even leave. I have 9 hours if I leave when he leave for work so a further 3 hours to get there without being pulled over probably 5 hours because I'll have to stop a fair bit with the baby and he also will know where I'm going because it's the only place I can go.
helpful (1) 
OP I'm so sorry you're also going through this. It's so so awful. I feel so trapped.
helpful (1) 
 If your married then you can't steal it can you?
I would call policelink and ask anonymously if that's even possible

helpful (1) 
OP He says he'll report it stolen and cancel the registration, I'm just terrified of what would then happen to my children halfway to no where and being arrested for stealing a car. Google doesn't give a clear answer so I'll pluck the courage to call police link.
helpful (0) 
 I wrote this comment and I feel for you and no it’s not nice. Sad you’re probably really close to me. Shame I cant help I would
helpful (0) 
 He is just trying to scare you so you won't leave. Even if he cancelled the registration you can still drive the car. If you got pulled up the police explain everything and they will help you. if he reported the car as stolen it's the same thing. If the police pulled you over explain the situation they will help you. On the day you leave stop in at the police station on the way and tell them what is happening and that your husband has threatened to report the car as stolen. They will be able to give you advice and probably put some kind of note on the registration of the car should it get reported as stolen or you get stopped by the police.
You husband is only saying these things so you won't leave. You can leave, the police will help you should he report the car stolen but I doubt that he will. Call his bluff

helpful (3) 

Oh f**k love, I'm so sorry. That's a terrible way to live. Where abouts are you located??? I would love to help you.

 i will help you too just to get you out of there...where are you/ I am QLD near TOOWOOMBA
helpful (2) 
 I'm in Toowoomba and would also be happy to help.
helpful (2) 
OP Thank you both very much for your offer too, sorry I missed it before. I am really blown away by all the support for just some anonymous person. I don't think I'd have been able to leave without the validation from other people that the situation was bad, it sounds so stupid but I would just sway back and forth thinking well it could be worse and it is for so many women.
helpful (5) 

You need to start planning. The first thing is pack an emergency bag and leave it with a friend. Go to Anglicare and talk to a social worker and make a plan to leave, get as much information as you can.

Does he know the friend up north, and will he look for you there?

Could your friend pay for bus tickets so you can't get to her? Then you don't have to worry about the car.

 You can also claim single parent pension living under sae roof. Westpac bank do grants for separated parents. Good luck
helpful (2) 

This is extreme financial and emotional abuse. You need to get out of there as soon as possible.
There is really no point in trying to save up pennies.
You need to take the advice above about getting advice from Lifeline, take the car, fill it with as much as you can and go to a police station as far away as you can get and report what is happening and that you fear for your own and childrens safety, as you leaving will "set him off", and advise he will probably report car stolen.
Find out where the nearest womens refuge is before you leave, if you can.

The treatment the children are subject to, and that they see you subject to, is damaging for them. They need to be removed from that situation as soon as possible. It will either turn them into abusers, or marriers of abusers, as that is the behaviour they will learn is normal.
Also, he will systematically continue to try and make you feel worthless, which will damage your faith in your own worth and your own capability.

Centerlink will probably give you an emergency grant, (Lifeline will give you guidance over this), and you can take him to court for maintenance.
If you are married or defacto the law decrees that all assets are joint property.
Make sure you gather financial & bank account and property details as best you can before you leave. That will help the lawyer.
I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. It is really tough. But once you are away from it you will not look back.

 Agree with this hon and also grab the kids birth certs and yours and their immunisation records.
helpful (2) 

This is abuse. You deserve better. He may report car stolen but you won't get in trouble as it's a joint marital asset. Once you are at a safe location u can call police and inform them. Call domestic violence hotline tomorrow honey xxx

Sending love to OP and all the helping kind hearts here... 💕💕💕

Are you Ok now, OP?
I noticed your last update was 4 days ago. I’m keen to hear if you and the children are doing OK.

Apply for Centrelink
Tell them you are separated and live under same roof cause you have nowhere to live

 Don’t do this - they will check it with the husband!
helpful (0)