Ask SAHM is a place where you can ask our staff & community a question safely & anonymously. Please read our disclaimer.

bitchy, cliquey school mums

Never did I ever expect the most horrible people I've ever met to be fellow mums in the playground. For the sake of my childrens friendships ive tried to get to know other parents but ive been appalled at how quickly some of these parents get involved in the school yard squabbles that their children have mostly been the cause of! I let the school handle things and don't suddenly "hate" people because our children aren't currently getting along. I've been ignored, fb deleted, the obvious target of gossip when things have turned sour. my child is quiet and timid and we have sought psychological help after bullying. All I can think is that the teachers knowing the situation don't tolerate any nastiness or bitchiness directed at my daughter and their children have been "in trouble" for their behavior. This said I dont want people like this in our lives but I wonder has anyone elses experience been as horribly negative?

Report

Got an Answer?


Answers (52)

I walk in a smile and hello everyone even if they don't reply I usually get a smile. I got a few death stares from other parents the first time I did just that to a well known bikie club memebers wife 😂 Poor woman gets snobbed all the time, she always looks pleased to be acknowledged. One mum turns up to drop off in pj pants most mornings, than I realised she has 5 kids to get ready, they all look sparkly. Meh I often feel like grabbing her a take out coffee when I get one on my way instead of looking down on her like some of the snooty ones do.
Even the snooty mums I feel for, the layers of make up must take forever and being such a bitch must be exhausting.

My kids don't associate with class mates out of school. Definitely would never host a whole class birthday party as they are such a mixed bunch.

 You should totally buy her a coffee 😊 It's nice to hear someone talk about how they've seen people for more than face value - if only all school mums were like you !!
helpful (10) 
 Sending You love mama...❤
helpful (0) 

yes and its horrible. with five kids all of whom are heavily involved in extracurriculars i found i've been snubbed everywhere, to this day at 30years old i'm not sure what it is about how i come across that puts women off. I'm very friendly, non judgey and not codependent, i don't do the overdressed heavy makeup thing because hell i need to be comfy to constantly keep things on their juggling sticks and i can't do makeup i'm allergic to everything lol.
I will chat to anyone and my kids are a very friendly bunch as well, and while they have great social groups at school i have found they have met resistance for birthday invites and joining social cliques because the mums aren't friends with me. I have tried swallowing the nauseous anxiety and approaching the closed in circles with their little blankets laid out, and their backs turned eyebrows arched but whatever it is that makes you 'in' i just don't have.
Its' hard i would love some mum friends to share that sympathetic understanding with and to share and spread the happy times but apparently it's not to be, i just focus on teaching my kids to be kind, accepting and confident in their own minds.

We had a group of parents constantly complaining about my number 2 of 4 child. The school always listened he'd get in trouble, we would back the school. In the end we asked for help for him only to have the specialist observe his behaviour to find out the other kids targeted him and he was always retaliating or defending himself. Silly us didn't listen to him... one of the parents hit me up on last day of school, whoopsy for her!!! I went at her like a firecracker. I didn't realise how stupid parents are to get involved. This is 3 years ago, now we are still trying to get his trust back. But I always listen to his side now before backing the school.

 I've got similar. Constantly "at me" for my "naughty child". But unfortunately, he's not a communicator so won't tell me what's happened/set him off. It's just never sat right with me that he's "naughty and violent without provocation". We're starting specialists now but I'm STILL arguing with the school that there HAS to be a reason. His older brother has only just started watching then sharing the bullying he is receiving in the build ups!
helpful (2) 

I hate how they find their groups and then the kids are excluded from play dates when one parent isn't in that group. It makes you feel like absolute shit.

 I had a parent send me photos of kids at her daughter’s party that my child wasn’t invited too...
helpful (1) 
 No. That's terrible.
helpful (2) 

haven't experienced it with my kids but picking up my nephews. bitchy under the breath comments about being too young to have kids, that my kids called me by my first name and not mum, yep smart ones they were. picking kids up in my work uniform it's so sad I have to work it must be hard not having money or after a nightshift getting up and looking like crap cos to me it was 3am and maybe I should try harder. never said anything to them for my nephews, until a really crap shift and lost it calling them all trophy wives. never effected the boys really they didn't like those womens kids anyway.

 LOL they sound like people you wouldn't want to know anyway. And not very bright. You work therefore you have money. And loads of kids get picked up by family members at our school. Nobody would comment on it.
helpful (2) 
 My daughter is 1yo soon and I'm already dreading the cliqueie school mums. I hate, and don't buy into this sh*t. I have experienced very similar things to you when I've picked up my nephew from school. I don't see why being a working mum is bad? In fact I think we are bad a*s b!****s for doing what we do (or should I say, I will soon be doing). Keep doin what your doin mama! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
helpful (2) 

I used to get this all the time until i dressed how i normally do. Instead of wearing casual clothes to pick up- i dressed how I DO when heading into town for lunch dates etc. Went from a slacks and singlet, messy bun and no make up to heels, holey tights, low cut singlet, hair and makeup on point and just smiled at them in their lil group like they werent shit to me. Its amazing how much they are intimidated by beauty. It pisses them off too that i always smile and wave to their hubbys ;) bi****s should have been nice when I tried to make friends

Yes I hate going to school for pickup. This actually gets me down. I am openly ignored by many. Cannot wait til school years are over.

OP It gets me down too. I have become very reluctant to try and am then sad because my kids aren't included, invited etd
helpful (3) 
 Me too, like those ones who are right into the school and think they are the Principal or something! I won't join the P&F because of them and I would really like to.
helpful (7) 

It's even harder when you are an older parent by a generation. I absolutely hate picking my child up from school, most parents are nice but some of them look at you daggers. It hurts when you are friendly, couteous and giving. I have to accept that all people are not like me. These parents I've come to believe have their own issues. Me, I'm grateful for my manners. I don't do sporadic Hellos.

People always talk about 'school mums' and I don't really get it. I guess I'll find out next year when my kid starts but so I can mentally prepare myself, when/where do you talk to these women? Do you have to all get out of your cars and gather at a certain spot to collect kids? Are you expected to try and make friends? Can you not just stay in the car and play candy crush, then catch up with your actual friends later?

 Keep to yourself
helpful (2) 
 You will need to take your kid to class and then go back to the class to pick them up. You can't expect a prep aged school kid to find their own way and then meet you at the car. So this is when you will meet other mums. And you can expect party invites too. I didn't realise how cliquey they could be until my kids started school. I chit chat to a few of them, sa hi to a few of them. Thacts about it, I dont out myself put there, its like ding back in high school and I hate it.
helpful (1) 
 Yeah but like... Picking up my kid from kindy I get out my car, go find my kid, get all their stuff, we go back to the car. There's other parents there also getting their kids, I sometimes smile at them or OCCASIONALLY say hi, but that's it. I don't stop and chat with them. Am I meant to? Is it an unspoken social rule? Are they all judging me for being snobby?
helpful (0) 
 Also (reading through this thread) are they all judging what I'm wearing and whether I've done my makeup? I've honestly just not taken that much notice of the other parents!
helpful (2) 
 I don't think people really care what you wear unless you're at some upscale school. You also don't have to talk to other mums, but if you are there 20minutes early and waiting you might feel awkward sitting there being antisocial to a degree when others are chatting away... but as you say, you can just stay in your car and sit on your phone at that point to avoid any communication. I do personally think those are the silly mums(maybe they are the smart ones if these bad scenarios are happening at the school), but where I go, it's all nice low key chatter and I don't really like the idea of phone addicts so I'm quite bias.. :)
helpful (1) 
 Of course you don't need to stop and chat. You will find there are other mums who don't wish to socialise. Some like me who really just say hi and maybe a bit of a chat with other mums as we wait for our kids. And others who form a social circle and make lots of friends.
helpful (1) 
 Ok cool.
I only mentioned phone games as a suggestion of something to kill time, I'd just as likely read a book. I'm not a terribly social person and already have plenty of friends so I'm hoping I can get away with minimal contact with school mums. Sounds like I'll be ok.

helpful (0) 
 I talk to them when picking up my children, my youngest is an impatient little turd who won't wait in the car for 15 mins and thinks he has control over the radio when I park. You aren't expected to make friends but it is good to be friendly towards the parents, just small chitchat (something I fail miserably at but somehow manage). For our school someone made a Facebook group to arrange for play dates, school info etc. which I wouldn't have known about if not for having a chat with one mum. It wasn't organised efficiently which means half of the parents miss out. This happens a lot too if you don't make the effort, like when my daughter was in prep there were children who missed out on "class" play dates because mum or dad weren't in with the right people. My youngest will be in prep next year and I've already made the connections to gather and spread info so no one misses out. It isn't fair that this is the way it works but it's what happens.
helpful (1) 

It's funny but you are not alone on this matter. I hate picking up my kids after school or even morning drop off. Some of the mums behave like they were in high school! Come on grow up! I was bullied at school because of my hair and skin colour being different but come on, back to the bitchiness again, we are way over this era people. It's annoying and frustrating.

Yes this has happened to me & the whole gang of them then turn on you & spread malicious gossip. In hindsight you just need to be very careful when dealing with a group of women. The claws can suddenly appear very quickly. You have to get things into perspective & rise above it. Sooner or later they will have their own troubles to deal with as such is life & you will not be such a focus of attention.! It is often as a result of petty jealousy & insecure pack mentality. Just keep smiling enjoying life & your beautiful family..that will kill them about right!!

For what it's worth, I recently moved to NZ and took on a headteacher role at a niche school in a small town. The cliquey mums make my life hell too - I can't do anything right and I've cried often about this. I try to ignore them but it clearly doesn't fly in my role and they refuse to be pleased because who do I think I am walking in and doing my job. Stay strong ladies and be kind to each other.

 Wow. Is that harassment? It's not okay to bother someone to the point of making them upset
helpful (4) 
 I live in NZ too and totally agree, I wish we could actually bring this topic more out into the open, the saddest thing is that these mums are teaching their children to be the same way and therefore the cycle of bullying continues.....
helpful (0) 

Go to tallpoppylives.com and read my blog on Mafia mums in the schoolyard. Hope it puts a smile on your dial 😊

 I call them the mumfia.
helpful (3) 

School mums are the most judgemental bi****s I've ever met, they think their crap don't stink and all their kids are perfect I can not wait til school era is over really. They pick on others cloths the way they look etc, their is one bitchy group at every school. I have a few ladies I chat to but don't associate with anyone outside of school, been there done that never again, I seem to find the needy cling ons, or those that think I want their husband, please

 Not all school mums are like that.
helpful (1) 

There is a Mum at my kids’ school who ices me, just me, every time we meet. She is friends with all the other mums, but won’t say hello back to me, didn’t rsvp or turn up to my son’s party, didn’t invite my kid to her son’s party. The other day I went up to talk to my friend, then realized she was talking to snobby mum, but I smiled and said hello. Snobby mum ignored me and just told my friend she had to go in this offended way. Absolutely no idea what I’ve done. My kid has no problem with her kid. Even if there was a problem, why behave like that? I’m starting to think I have an evil twin who farts in this woman’s handbag or something!