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I know the response will be divided.... re cheating...

Long story short, my husband cheated on me (before kids ,24 and doesn’t remeber much)
I caught him out through gut instinct (that iv had twice before with him but never chased.)
I looked at emails a while back (maybe a year now? ) it was in his language so it’s hard to know the exact context so hard to go after it but iv thought about it since I read it

Translated he was telling his friend
“I was offered a happy ending to the massage, it was hard to resist” (while
He was in Indi)
But the way the “hard to resist” was written it is hard to interpret. I don’t know if our history and my second language skills are mis interperating, or if it’s another thing and I’m ignoring my gut.

We are about to enter into a serious deal financially. If I split now I loose 100k and bear the hurt but I gain a mortgage free home and rental income plus my successful business... he is an amazing father, I would have him see our kids daily.
But do I confront this email?


Got an Answer?

Answers (11)

Do and see a financial planner and do what you can to protect yourself. Get a family trust that he isn't included in now, and get something in place to protect any money coming from your family immediately!!

 Yes. Do this soon. Get legal advice as there are lawyers who specialise in it, as there are lots of tricks and traps if it is not structured correctly.
helpful (0) 

It's clear you haven't recovered from his deception all those years ago and you know what you don't need evidence, you don't need an excuse, if you still don't trust him, if you can't get over the cheating even it was 10 years ago then you are completely entitled to feel the way you feel. If you want to leave and find security and happiness then leave.

This is soo far in the past. How can you ignore the fact that you have had a strong relationship with him since and he has grown up probably insurmountable amounts since he has had kids. Everyone is immature and silly and having had dated an Indian for three year, many years ago, I remember he was propositioned the same way. I literally dropped him off at the massage place and right at the end, the lady offered him the same happy ending. He said it ruined it for him, because he couldn’t get that through out of his head since it had already aroused him, even though the lady wasn’t attractive at all in my books. I didn’t last with him, we had a deep relationship but I needed someone more mature. If there are other factors sure, but I’m confused if this is the factor in your decision it seems really reactive to something you can move through and discuss. Again, if I think back to the beginning of my current raeltiinship, I was so young and having a crap background too, I can see I wasn’t perfect either. But I’m where I should be, and I have my husband to thank for being the mature one!

 Also, life isn’t a about money. I know you know it isn’t , but this it the father of your kids your talking about. Which makes me think there is more going on
helpful (0) 
OP Yes. I totally agree but we have grown up together.
We dated from 19. We are 35.
We met travelling and have lived that life together.
He has a lot of issues depression, anxiety wise mixed with a closed personality. I know he’s more open to me than anyone, but as an open person it’s not always enough.

Yes I’m trying not to be reactive, I guess that is part of the reasons I’m posting here! To stop myself from being reactive you know.

Thankyou , all the same for the time to repond. It’s a hard predicament . :/

helpful (0) 
OP I appreciate your perspective thanks
helpful (0) 

I would say, don’t ask him outright. Continue checking the emails until you have much much more proof than what you do: as he WILL be able to hide it better if he knows what you know. Speaking from experience.

OP That’s kinda how I feel! There’s still a chance iv read it wrong.... it was a different kanguage, and with “sensitivity” mixed in.

I don’t feel it’s “hard” enough evidence

helpful (0) 
 Yeah just sit tight and wait and see. Read emails or phone or whatever you can but don’t bring it up until you see something that is solid evidence as he’ll just learn to hide it 100% better by deleting etc.
helpful (0) 
 Listen to your fat gut instinct
helpful (0) 

The real danger would be if he got into an emotional relationship with someone else. Thats what is dangerous about cheating; that someone else becomes more important to them than you are. That is unfaithfulness. Personally I would consider that even if he has weakened with an offer like that, it is pretty minor in the scheme of things.
Do keep an eye on the emails or texts, but dont let him know what you found. As the others say, he will simply get better at hiding it.
Depression is a terrible thing, and it can make people do things out of character when they are stressed.
My brother did the same, (caught trying to hook up with a prostitute, and getting on sex chat lines), twice, years apart during his relationship, at times of high stress.
He and his partner had a rough time for a while, got very close to splitting up, but have survived it, and now are back to having a good mature relationship.
Like you two they have things in common that they share, and enjoy. But, they do not have children together. So there is more holding you two together.
You need to assess is there a risk of him deserting you ? If not, you are better to weather through the storm.
If your physical relationship is not as good as you would like, you could look at ways to re-ignite that. It is the sort of thing that needs to be worked on during any long relationship. Organising date nights, with just the two of you, buying sexy lingerie etc.

 Your brother is still cheating he just got caught twice.
helpful (0) 

Just confront him about it. His reaction answers your questions. If he tells you you are overreacting and makes you out to be the jerk then dump him on his head. If he admits fault, cries hard and apologises profusely then there is hope. People make mistakes. The difference between people you can trust and people you can't is the people you can trust own those mistakes. If he is out getting weekly happy endings and its not something you can deal with then you need to part ways.

If you are even considering splitting up from him, you need to get legal advice, from specialist family law practitioner, as soon as possible, to know what your rights and obligations are.

You are trying to come up with reasons to Stay
You have series issues mamma

An amazing father doesn’t cheat on the mother of his children
Dump him now

OP He wasn’t a father then.

Also I differ from people whoveiw that , his relationship with our kids is seperate from his and mine. We have adult issues and stupid complicated shit.
His love for our kids isn’t involved with all that and is seperate to he and i! No matter what would happen between us as long as he treats our kids the way he does I’m fine!

I think this is how “custody” becomes bitter. No matter if we split in 6 months of 59 years, he loves those kids, he adores them and wants their life to be better than the one he had. But he is human, with his own ingrained flaws that his children actually improve.

Sorry I disagree I don’t think it’s fair to project an adult relationship onto a seperate relationship that is between a father and child. Our daughters know what real love is because he loves them unconditionally our son knows what a real
Man love like because in spite of differences, we still are friends. He still respects me as Person even if not a lover.

helpful (3) 
 Yep I tend to agree with the op
helpful (1) 
OP When he held our firs born I watched him fall in love.
Our children hold him to a higher standard than he has ever known.
But culture, upbringing, circumstance can play a role. And when it all
Makes a bad situation.... that does NOT make him a bad father.

He loves our children more than he loves himself. They’ve saved him from the edge literally.

To equate issues in an adult relationship to the live one has for their child is poor insight and judgments

I appreciate your advice but I think it’s harsh and a poor generalisation.

Perhaps I wouldn’t have gone so hard if you hadn’t have called into question his parenting ability which has nothing to do with he and I.

If we break up, then I’ll raise our kids white a great father who was. A crappy partner.
You can be both they are not one and the same.
You can treat someone bad as a
Wife but well
As a baby mumma

helpful (2) 
Answered by OP

The more our relationship goes on, obviously the more I have to lose. I’m the one who brings the major money as i am the main income earner, and I have a wealthy family behind me that sets us up very comfortably.

He’s from a really fu***d yo family with a fu***d up life, and struggles with mental health, I just I want to confront him about this email, but if I’m wrong he might get better at hiding? Am I ignoring the obvious but using the language barrier as buffer?

I don’t even know why I’m writing
I have super close girl friends but I don’t want to talk about this with them cos...
Is an assumption there.

I don’t know what to do right now